Writing Prompt: Night Moves

 Prompt: Write about a special Fall evening you had or write about what you’d like to do at night this Fall.

Night Moves

I approach this particular prompt with a sigh, because lately at night I’ve been conking out in my chair in front of the TV around 9:00 p.m. every night, and this is vexing me. I feel so old, even though I’m only 59. Perhaps I look at this as a rite of passage, trading in the late nights for an early bedtime, and waking up at the crack of dawn. This is just inevitable, particularly if you’re like me and take sedating evening meds every night. 

But can I rig the system, say, on a special night I want to stay up late, take my pills later and perhaps drink some coffee in the afternoon? Sure I can, I’ve done this on countless occasions. This is my new normal as  a bipolar who is rigidly med compliant: Evening activities for me to do take planning, and altering a pill dosing schedule that is set in stone for 7:00 p.m. every night.

One such occasion this Fall I’ll be managing my evening pill schedule is on Monday, October 13 when my husband and I are going to the Blue Jackets Opening Night game at Nationwide Arena. It’s actually also our 24th anniversary and we are celebrating by treating ourselves to special lower bowl seats for the game. The game starts at 7:00 p.m. and will go until around 9:30. Then we have to make our way back to the car, and usually make it home between 10:30-11:00 p.m. That’s when I’ll take my evening meds, almost four hours later than usual. 

Because I’m normally sleeping during the hours when the game is on, it’s very novel and interesting to me to be awake and watching the hockey action live. The fans can be loud, the rink chilly, the music and game feed thrilling to experience. My senses feel alive, and this helps to keep me alert and focusing on things. I cannot imagine being this awake every night of the week, but for hockey game days I certainly can handle being alert and on top of things.

Opening Night this year offers up a lot of hope and expectation that our team, which has struggled the last five years, might finally take it to the next level and have numerous exciting wins this season for us to celebrate. We have some really good players, capable of burying the biscuit in the net when we need them to. Hopefully our game we are seeing will result in a victory. Bring it on boys!

I’d like to note that my husband and I have gone to every Blue Jackets Opening Night game since the team was founded in 2000. This year will mark 25 years’ worth of opener experiences. What was it I was saying about being old? Sheesh. So there’s a little poignancy to this upcoming evening event. No chair sleeping at home for me! Let’s Go Jackets and all that jazz. Show us your night moves on the ice and get us a win!

Writing Prompt: A Power Greater Than Myself

 Prompt: Who has changed your life, and how?

A Power Greater Than Myself

Step 2 of AA goes as follows: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I have a concrete example of this in my life, my psychiatrist Dr. Alan Levy, who in his conservative, measured way brought me out of insane bipolar instability into the stable, controlled life I lead today. I have been under his care for 8 years, and we have developed quite a relationship.

Dr. Levy got my medication straightened out, and encouraged me to stay the course when med side effects started wrecking havoc on my system. He patiently listens to me gripe session after session, yet somehow he calms me and I end up staying religiously med compliant, along with staying completely sober. 

It took me a very long time to get to this total abstinence from alcohol and weed, and I realize that Dr. Levy appreciates my sobriety journey. He’s never said this directly but I’m fairly certain Dr. Levy wouldn’t treat me if I were actively using alcohol, weed, or another mood-altering substance. So I guess I had to be ready to work with him, and that didn’t happen until I was 51 years old.

Everything dovetailed together in the Spring of 2017, starting sobriety again, finding Dr. Levy, and getting on a completely new medication cocktail. It all just clicked, and I was finally on my way, after years of chaos and multiple hospital stays. It hasn’t been a complete bed of roses throughout the past 8 years. I’ve had some challenging struggles with anxiety, which we cannot seem to completely control. But maybe that’s something you can’t permanently nail down. Oh well.

Dr. Levy is aging, he’s definitely in his late 60s, maybe early 70s? I’m not sure. He’s not considering retirement yet, but I know we are inching closer to that day. I’ll be devastated to lose him, I truly cherish his wisdom and skill at identifying the correct meds and dosage amounts for me. I’m going to stay out of the scary future though and not worry about what happens when Dr. Levy and I part ways. Today things are good.

Feeling Better!

 Well, after weeks of feeling physically off; and having my doctor run blood tests and urine tests and everything else under the sun, only to find nothing was wrong; I report that I have enjoyed a good week of feeling good! I know a few weeks back I cut back my Gabapentin dose by a mere 400 mg. and maybe this has something to do with it? I’m not sure.

But I’m extremely pleased to be feeling better. I have been continuing with my morning walk and swim exercise class twice a week. I want to add something else, like get a personal trainer and hit weights, but that’s expensive. Maybe I’ll just add something else like additional walking into my days. 

At some point I’ve just got to address my excess weight which keeps me from moving the way I want to. I’m roughly 50 pounds overweight and I’ve thought about doing the GLP-1 weight loss injections, but something is holding me back. I love my cooking so much and I don’t want those injections taking away my love of preparing food. 

There’s always the option of just cutting my calories down, I’ve done that before and lost a lot of weight. But I’m struggling with that, I think I may have been somewhat depressed lately and my appetite is increased. Oh, I just hate this excess weight and how difficult it can be to get it off and keep it off! Quitting the nicotine gum last year slowed my metabolism down further, and I gained 10 lbs. I just can’t get off. It’s frustrating.

But let’s put this weight talk aside and just enjoy the fact that I’m feeling good today. I’m roasting an oregano fennel seed chicken with tomatoes and garlic and the house smells divine. It’s our Sunday dinner, and I’m excited to have it. 

Michael and I are talking about taking a vacation somewhere. It’s been an extremely long time since we travelled. On the one hand I want to get away, on the other hand I’m scared. Feel the fear and do it anyway, right? We are at the age where we should be traveling. I need some courage. Something to discuss in therapy. The saga continues.

Writing Prompt: Land of the Lost

 Prompt: Write about a time you were lost. How did you find your way?

Land of the Lost

Thirty years ago, Central Ohio AA was home to a lot of lost people, myself included. I was 29, unemployed, recently returned to my hometown from Washington D.C. where I abandoned a career I loved in favor of a doomed relationship that blew up in my face. 

Yes, I came home and proceeded to drink myself silly every night, wallowing in self-pity. When the depression took ahold of me, I somehow made my way to a nearby talk therapist who, after a few sessions, quickly sized me up as a drunk and told me to go to rehab. I resisted a little, but knew the writing was on the wall. I was near bottom and had to turn things around.

The rehab place I went to enrolled me in their six week intensive outpatient program, which met three nights a week. Additional attendance at local AA meetings was required, and I can’t remember if I did the well-known “90 meetings in 90 days.” I did though go to plenty of meetings all over town. 

I remember learning a lot about the disease of alcoholism in those outpatient sessions I attended. The information sunk in and made sense to me. It carried me through five years of sobriety from alcohol after leaving outpatient. But I was someone who kept going to AA meetings without getting a sponsor or doing the 12 Steps. I also kept smoking marijuana so I wasn’t practicing total sobriety. 

But I was faithful to five years of alcohol abstinence, which for someone in their late twenties/early thirties living in a big drinking town was no small feat. Times then weren’t like they are today, with younger people not drinking as much anymore. It seemed like everyone was drinking. But not me. I counted my days, got my coins at meetings, and got stronger. 

I would go on to enroll in a Journalism Masters program at the Ohio State University, and at a local coffee shop meet the man who would become my husband. Good things happened to me. The seed of recovery was planted, and I felt lost no more. 

Why Do I Feel Off?

 So I continue to feel off around an hour after I take these pills. I’ve narrowed things down to the hefty dose of Gabapentin I’m on (felt sick after taking my noon dose), so two days ago I shaved off 400 mg from my noon dose. We shall see how I do. So far, so good. I want to reduce from 4,800 mg down to 3,200 mg/day eventually. Can I get there?

 I just feel in my gut that I’m on way too much of this med and it’s making me sick. I tried to bring my concerns about it to Dr. Levy but he kinda brushed me off. I have an appointment with my PCP Doug Schumacher next week and I’m going to ask him if he thinks I’m on too much Gabapentin. 

The problem is what other anti anxiety med is there out there for me if the Gabapentin isn’t used? Buspar? I’m not allowed to be on an SSRI so my options are limited. I’m very frustrated and just want to get back to feeling better. I was experiencing almost total relief from anxiety at the hefty dose of gabapentin I was on, but now I don’t feel well and that sucks. So back to the drawing board.

One thing I have noticed is if I push through the sick feeling and just do my walking or water exercise I tend to feel better afterwards. When I’m sedentary I feel worse. So I’m just going to get moving more. I got Michael to take me to a local park to see a bison herd and then we hiked down to a creek bed, I got over 8,000 steps, which is really good for me! 

Maybe what I’m going through is just natural aging stuff, but no, I’m 59 and I should be feeling better than I do. I can pinpoint when I started feeling off, it was exactly a year ago, and I had given up chewing nicotine gum and having occasional cigarettes at mom’s place. I’m now completely nicotine free and I’m having a lung scan tomorrow to see if there is any damage to my lungs we need to be concerned about. 

I’m nicotine free, no more alcohol, weed or cigarettes. So why aren’t I feeling better? It’s a mystery, I blame all these meds I take. But I’m definitely going to continue to be med compliant, that’s not going to change. Maybe we chalk my ailments up to being an aging bipolar with anxiety and Graves’ disease. I’m perhaps not supposed to be feeling good all the time.

 Let’s not forget I’m presently 50 lbs. overweight. What are we going to do about that? Do I try GLP-1 weight loss drug injections? I really don’t want to do that. Embark again on a quasi-Keto diet? That just makes me feel like shit. What to do…just lean into acceptance? Perhaps.

So I’ll keep an update on how I’m doing. The doctors, so far, haven’t helped me. One year feeling “off” is a long time to be suffering. I want answers. I guess I have to be my own advocate. Sigh.

Physically Off

 Good morning reader(s), I report I’ve been going through a period of not feeling well physically. I can’t really verbalize my symptoms, it’s just a sense I have of feeling “off” and kinda like these medications I’m on are too strong for my system. I keep waiting for this situation to resolve itself but nothing improves. What’s going on?

I asked Dr. Levy if something was wrong with my med dosages and he said no, what was happening was I have gone through a very intense anxiety episode over Dr. Larrimer announcing his retirement in July. Basically my body is still reacting to that, and needs time to recover. 

This explanation sounded a little like a brush off of my concerns; I was thinking maybe this 112 mcg dose of levothyroxine was too high, but no, Dr. Levy wants it remaining where it is. Honestly it’s exhausting trying to figure out what’s causing me to feel unwell. I’m constantly questioning the meds, but I really have no idea what’s causing this. 

I’m left wondering how long I’m going to feel this way. Will it just continue to be an issue for the rest of my life? It’s so friggin tempting to start tinkering with that hefty Gabapentin dose I’m on, start lowering it, even though I’ve got ample experience showing me that the anxiety comes roaring back if I do that.

Speaking of anxiety, I’ve had extremely blissful mornings since switching to half-caff coffee. I’m going to make a commitment to decaf coffee eventually. I wish I had done this sooner! Now what’s left is to get moving more, get out of this chair. That’s proven to be a very hard thing to do, I’m entirely wedded to staying seated and sedate.

My thinking now is try to improve the way I’m physically feeling by increasing my step count. Michael is trying to nudge me to move more, and Matt is being more forceful about it. Dr. Levy has been after me to move for years. I know I can commit to this, just need to push myself. Ok, I’m headed out for my morning walk. One foot in front of the other!

Relief? New Changes

 Hello there reader(s), I report I’ve made changes to my morning routine and I’m feeling better! Morning anxiety isn’t plaguing me as much, which is a blessed relief! Here’s what I’m doing:

I am now drinking only two cups of Starbucks “Half Caff” in the morning. I go on a 10-minute walk after my first cup of coffee. I have a banana sometimes before the walk, sometimes after. I do the walk even on mornings when I have the pool class. This combined reduction in caffeine and increased movement in the morning has really lessened my anxiety. Both were suggested by my friend Julie, yet Dr. Levy has been after me to exercise for 8 years.

I told Matt I wanted to shower more frequently so he suggested bathing on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ve been experimenting with the Sunday and Wednesday but have yet to include the third day, Friday. But today is Friday so I’m thinking I will get in and rinse off, so I have something to report to Matt next week. Plus it makes sense since I’m in the pool Tuesdays and Thursdays and I should be washing the chlorine off my body.

It was difficult for me to admit I needed help bathing more than once a week. I feel ashamed that I am not taking better care of my hygiene. Michael doesn’t feel like it’s a problem; but I’m concerned enough that I’m working to implement a change in habits.

 I’m also starting now to brush my teeth in the morning as well as at night. I have been doing nightly brushing for a long time (with repeated prompts from Michael). It’s so tempting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out WHY I struggle so much to brush my teeth and shower. I’m not depressed (I don’t think), so it must be the meds making things difficult. But as Matt would say, who gives a fuck about the Why, let’s focus on changing things, improving things.

I’m almost weaned off the Simply Sleep I was taking during that awful period of high anxiety I just went through. The media has been abuzz about how these OTC aids like Benedryl cause dementia; I asked Dr. Levy about it and he didn’t really believe that was true. He said using the sleeping aids sparingly and in small amounts was ok. My PCP Dr. Schumacher said the same thing. I think it’s best right now to be off of it. So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m having a productive day of doing laundry and organizing kitchen cabinets. Tonight I’m making roasted salmon with cherry tomatoes and shallots, along with an eggplant and cucumber stir fry. At least my cooking has remained a constant all throughout my bipolar and anxiety journey. I need to remember it’s like mom says, we all have assets and liabilities. Things we can do and things we can’t (or don’t want to) do. 

Let’s live just for today, keep it One Day At a Time. I do best when I live this way. Stay in the present, Melissa. Have a good day.