Unlock And Unload

Just when you thought it was over...

I am feeling very drugged out, which means I am stabilizing and the meds are too strong now and I need to ease off of them. As you know, Dr. Z took the conservative approach and locked and loaded me up with an arsenal of anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers. They didn't really phase me, save keeping the mania and psychosis controlled. I was able to function.

But now as we move into August, as I predicted, the mania is over and these darn extra pills aren't needed anymore. So here comes the weaning off period. Physically, I'm a mess. I can barely walk because my body has swelled so much from the effects of the Haldol and Seroquel. I've gained at least 50 pounds. If you have been on these medications, this probably happened to you. But I had to go through this in order to control  the mania (and importantly, the psychosis).

The weight gain is the hardest thing I must face. In my opinion, I look horrible, unlovable, like a cow, a "less-than." Sure, none of this is my fault. But how is someone looking at me supposed to know that? Fat = Lazy in American society. Unable to control yourself. And here I am, a huge butter ball and I just want to cry about the whole darn thing.

It is very difficult for me to lose weight given a thyroid disease I have (Grave's Disease). My metabolism is very slow. I did have success shedding a significant amount of weight (80 lbs.) through a liquid diet that lasted 9 months. Looking back, I cannot believe I did it, as it requires great resolve, focus and discipline. What I found, however, is when I reached my target weight, I started drinking and then soon maintenance went out the window.

But after walking with my husband last night and only being able to suffer through a few small blocks, I decided: This is going to stop NOW. I have some of my diet products here and I started the program today. It consists of 4 shakes and 1 soup a day. I actually like the way the products taste and to have food completely removed from the equation gives me great relief. So today is Day 1 of my program. I will let you know how it goes.

We have set September 2 as my return date to my office. This is the day after Labor Day. After much uncertainty and delusions about my job, I report that I am really looking forward to returning to work. I will have August to enjoy (as much as that's possible) then it's full steam ahead. And I can get back to blogging about bipolar disorder in general versus penning journal entries.

Yes, the skies will be opening up for me and I'm so pleased. I just need to tend to the physical wreckage of this episode left behind.

A Day Of Celebration!

The gears are starting to turn!

Woke up this morning and I know the "click" is coming. I've already made the commitment to go back to work and I am feeling so much better and grounded today. Deep sigh on my end. This has been a long, stressful summer and I feel like I can finally relax and enjoy what little is left of it.

I also know that we can start ratcheting back the pills and I couldn't be happier about that! I can start making a dent in this 50+ pounds I have gained. That is very, very important to me because it is very painful for me to even walk right now. I'm a butter ball and I don't want to see anyone when I am in this condition. It's embarrassing.

I'm glad I was able to get some posts up here when I was in psychotic mania -- this will be very helpful for me to review if future episodes emerge (which they will). I remember scrawling out notes in prior manias but for the most part it was gibberish. I think this blogging medium helps me to get my thoughts relayed in a more intelligent fashion.

I have returned to Facebook and I am putting up a few posts. Nothing controversial. I try to steer clear from sensational news as best I can. It fires me up and can spark an episode if I'm not careful. I love Facebook because, as a hermit, it connects me to other people. I need this so I don't feel so alone.

Some words on sobriety: I have been sober for almost 2 months. Maybe longer (I've lost track). I think I let you know that I have the dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and alcoholism. The booze has been a real monkey on my back for a long, long time. I cobble together a few years sober then relapse. Very tough disease to manage, as there is no cure. But you know me -- I'm not giving up. Pass the Iced Tea with some lemon wedges.

My day is open to me. Lots of possibilities. I may try to walk around the park, even if it is painful. I've got to start moving again. Nowhere to go but up. Fortunately, I've been here before. I've got a mountain to climb but I'm equipped with the gear. Plus my climbing partner -- my husband -- has me roped to him in case I slip. I can do this.

Onward, upward. My mantra for today.