Life Saver

My husband got me to take a walk after dinner. I have been sedentary for so long that I need firm prodding to move my body. I also told you he reminds me every night to brush my teeth. Mom is going to start reminding me to bathe on a regular schedule. I have problems with that.

There's a Beach Boys song that's in my head tonight:

The Beach Boys

"God Only Knows" The Beach Boys

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows what I'd be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I'd be without you

Awakening

My writers block is gone. It lasted eight months this time. Eight months of an inability to put any of my thoughts down on paper.

To try and get things moving, I asked my husband to buy me a laptop for Christmas. He obliged but there it sat in its box until two days ago. And I find myself today with it comfortably on my lap, up and running.

What in the world smashed the block this time?

Brian Wilson

Well my husband took me to the movie "Love and Mercy" over the weekend. Have you heard of it? It's the biopic about the prodigy composer Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys who has bipolar disorder with auditory hallucinations.

I was mesmerized by the film and suddenly my head was filled with things I wanted to write about, things I wanted to create, things I wanted to say, wanting to enter a dialogue with others to have an exchange of ideas. All these things want to come out.

And frankly, I'm afraid.

My mother wants me in a controlled, peaceful environment when I write. To be disciplined. Say, do laundry and dust, write for an hour, and then cook dinner. Folks it doesn't work that way. I can get a little frenzied when I write particularly when I have had blocks for long periods of time. I don't know when they will come back again.

Fortunately my husband is behind me 100%.  He wants me to let go and ride the creative wave wherever it takes me. What I am envisioning is blending my writing with pieces of my art and links to songs that underscore what I am relaying.

They also say write about what you know, and in my case that is psychosis and I really want to provide a good "picture" of it. It's almost impossible to truly understand psychosis unless you have gone through it. And that I have -- many times. I've been through it and spit out on the other side, frightened, disoriented, drugged, dead to the world. I'm tired of trying to repress the memories of it.

Tomorrow I am taking Mom to my therapist to talk about this important window of opportunity that has opened. She's afraid I'll get sick again. I don't agree. I'm glad we have a safe environment to calmly discuss next steps.

I'm so happy to be blogging again. Thanks Brian Wilson for the inspiration.