Met with Dr. Levy this past week and he yet again told me I have to put up with my med side effects (cognitive impairment, lack of motivation, sedation and weight gain) in exchange for being stable and sane. My med cocktail is Depakote, Risperdol and Gabapentin, it will not change; I am too high risk for psychotic mania. I asked if I could hold out hope for new medication coming out, but Dr. Levy said even with a new med he would be hesitant to switch me over because of the risk.
Which leads me to acceptance.
Dear readers, I hate my meds' side effects more than you can possibly imagine. My quality of life is greatly impacted. But I thought today, at least I have the use of my limbs, I have my eyesight; things could be a whole helluva lot worse. So maybe I just need to accept my current situation and stop getting so upset over it.
But as you can imagine, that's hard.
I want to be a fighter, keep making demands for a change in meds, but to be honest I'm 52 now and I'm tired. I love my sleep, really treasure it, and I'm blessed to have a low-stress lifestyle, free of a job or responsibilities for children. Things are, well, predictable. My husband is now semi-retired and at home with me, watching over, making sure I am okay. I am able to do my cooking every day. That remains a constant.
But I continue to struggle with housework. It has been this way since way, way back in 2002 when I was first put on psychiatric meds. The laundry isn't done, the house is dirty; I am someone who definitely needs help. We are in between maid services right now and I'm really frustrated. Now, I can keep up with keeping the dishes and kitchen clean, so there's a glimmer of hope there. As for the rest...help!
I just want you to know that it has been very challenging for me to get this blog post written. The words don't flow for me right now. But my family doctor said to keep pushing through, keep writing so that's what I'm doing. My brother, a psychologist, doesn't know why I write a blog--he says the Internet is unsafe. I guess I could be writing in a journal but for some reason I find this easier.
Okay, that's it for now. Merry Christmas!
