So here I am, back attempting to write again, clawing my way out of the pit of writer’s block that I have been trapped in for the past, oh, 4 1/2 years? Perhaps longer? It’s a pit created strictly by bipolar disorder medication—which I faithfully swallow every night, 7:00 p.m. sharp, knowing all the while how it destroys my ability to do something I have always loved.
But never one to completely give up, here I am back trying again to communicate with the written word in a way that will inspire someone…maybe just me? Actually, I’ve come here because I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and a Google search for anxiety distraction techniques brought up a list of things to do and writing/journaling was on there. So voilà, here I am.
It’s now February 2022, and much has gone on since my last post, most notably the global Covid pandemic which came to the United States exactly two years ago. I won’t go into a big exploration of what this has meant for my country, except to say it has had a significant mental health impact, and people are feeling both anxiety and depression at alarming rates. I’m amazed and thrilled I have not had any episodes or hospitalizations since Covid hit, and I attribute this to a.) my outstanding psychiatrist Alan Levy and his medication management; b.) my talk therapist Dick Fetter and his wise advice; c.) staying completely sober from alcohol and any drugs; d.) my husband and family; and e.) support from friends.
Tragically, I lost my best friend Andi Jeney in January of 2021 to alcoholism and drug addiction. It was a huge blow, and her final decent into the disease sent me running to a 12-Step fellowship for support and guidance. I joined Zoom meetings bringing alcoholics from around the world together to discuss our disease, new ways of living, and ways to find peace and serenity. This has helped make my friend’s passing a little easier for me to process—I mean, I do carry incredible guilt that I am still here standing while she is gone, but I have learned alcoholism is a terrible disease that takes the lives of many.
I’ve had a chance to think about what’s really important to me now, what I want to do with my life. For years I have been driven by this crazy desire of wanting to write some best-selling book about living with bipolar disorder and alcoholism/addiction—but now I’m just wondering if maybe I accept my limitations and seek out a more simple life of lower expectations, writing only for my pleasure or to process emotions that are troubling me. I’m coming to grips with the reality that I was thrown into high-achieving educational institutions and subsequent jobs, but where did that get me? Breakdowns, hospitalizations, alcohol and drug abuse. Being a housewife now, in a very low stress living situation, is actually quite appealing, in retrospect. Maybe if I take the stress out of wanting to have the crispest, cleanest, sharpest writing and just LET GO and let things flow as they may I might gain some sort of benefit.
I guess today’s entry is sort of free-flowing, but that’s how I am now. I’ll always wonder if the botched ECT session at OSU in October 2016 led to some sort of brain damage in me, though Dr. Levy says that’s not the case. Regardless, I have limitations now in my writing abilities and that’s ok. The point is I have always loved to write and I’m going to continue to try and do so. So this is it for today. Michael wants to walk our Basset hounds together so off I go for some afternoon exercise. Until next time!
