Friday, October 27, 2023

Writing Prompt: A Romantic At Heart

 Prompt: Write about a piece (genre) of literature and how it influences the way you look at life.

A Romantic At Heart

I wish for this week I could regale and astound you with an impressive selection of literary masterworks that blew my socks off and set me on a course of great action. But instead I’d like to share with you some more of my story, specifically the great pain I went through having the world of books shut off from me for nearly two decades, thanks to psychiatrists who doped me up on strong dosages of bipolar meds that caused significant cognitive impairment. 

What happened to me was I would attempt to read a book and would experience actual pain in my head as I tried to absorb the information on the page. I’d throw down the book in despair, cursing that I had to take these meds, constantly complaining to the doctors about my limitations, and then in an act of desperation started tinkering with my med doses on my own, only to get extremely sick and have to be hospitalized. Repeatedly. It was a horrible period in my life, and to make matters worse, I was literally surrounded by mountains of books here at home, as I was a voracious reader before I was put on meds at age 35. I’d stare at the bookshelves longingly, wishing I could read them, wondering if they would be closed off to me permanently.

But last year, something dramatic and ultimately wonderful happened. The dosage of one of my meds, Depakote, was cut in half by my psychiatrist, and soon I found myself writing again. By summer, I found myself joining my niece and delving into some contemporary romantic fiction my mom bought for us—nothing special, I just started with this book, “November 9” by the author Colleen Hoover who I had never heard of, but this was a start. Before I knew it, I was done with the book in two days, and eagerly plowing through five other Colleen Hoover romance paperbacks my mom had bought on Amazon.

On I would go to the Columbus Metropolitan Library downtown, where I checked out even more Colleen Hoover books, and asked a librarian to suggest additional authors specializing in contemporary romance. She gave me five names, and for the past three months I’ve been tearing through everything romance I can get my hands on. Yes, I think I may be reaching my limit with this rather mindless, guilty pleasure genre, but I’m honestly thrilled that I can now make it through an entire book without physical pain. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine getting both the writing and reading back, I’m ecstatic.

So when I’m asked to reflect on a piece of literature, or in my case the genre of romantic fiction, and how it influences my way of life, I can honestly say these types of books are opening a door long shut to me, and I’m eager to step inside and see what else awaits me in my rediscovery of the written word. My romances give me hope that I might return to the meaty fiction and nonfiction works I devoured so long ago before I fell so ill. I guess it’s all about starting with baby steps when you are learning to walk again, and being grateful for whatever progress you make each day. Right now it’s Easy Does It. And honestly, I’m enjoying this ride.

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

Writing Prompt: Nothin’ But A Heartache?

 Prompt: Describe an heartache.

Nothin’ But A Heartache?

With the season of Fall comes football, and as a rabid Ohio State Buckeyes football fan, every year I step onto the rollercoaster ride which is their season. I cannot be described as a “casual observer,” having been groomed since birth to accept nothing less than every single game won by a comfortable margin, something impossible to attain, but I expect without fail each and every year. When you set such high, unobtainable standards for perfection, clearly you’ve gotten away from the AA golden nugget of “It’s progress, not perfection.” And you’ve set yourself up for something reoccurring all the time: excruciating, never-ending heartache.

Earlier this year, ESPN announcer Kirk Herbstreit said about 15% of Ohio State’s fan base is psychotic. Initially I took umbrage with that comment, having gone through actual bipolar psychosis in the past and I didn’t think it was appropriate to throw around the psychotic term like that. What I think would be more appropriate to say is a lot of people setting impossibly high standards for Buckeye football are having their hearts shredded every week so maybe they might think about a slight “attitude adjustment.” Or something like that. Yet I know how very difficult it is trying to right-size your expectations, particularly when you have tasted the triumph of the undefeated Bucks winning the National Championship. (Even though the last time that happened was back in 2002.)

To make matters worse, what I seem to go through is intense anxiety coupled with re-occurring heart-shredding every time my team fails to complete a perfect set of downs, or God forbid falls behind in scoring. Last week against Maryland, when we fell behind, I just up and left the house in the middle of the game and went to Starbucks, only returning home when OSU had managed to claw back and go up by 13 points.  I just found I was getting so emotionally distraught I had to remove myself from the premises, you know much like seek out sober faces, sober faces, I fled to a place where there wouldn’t be a 60-inch TV mounted to the wall. So much for sticking around during the tough times, though maybe in this instance it was self-preservation.

Call me someone with an intense emotional disposition, though it’s interesting to me that I don’t get nearly as worked up over Columbus Blue Jackets hockey, which I also love. Guess this re-occurring heartache of mine is reserved solely for the Buckeyes, so pass the Starbucks coffee, looks like I’ll be hanging out there more frequently on Saturdays. Sure, I can pop the extra Gabapentin for my anxiety, but I need something entirely different to help manage the pain caused by unreasonable, stupid perfectionism. Any experience, strength and hope? Lord knows I need it!





Tuesday, October 10, 2023

Writing Prompt: “Work in Progress”

 Prompt: what does “work in progress” mean to you?

When I hear the well-known phrase “work in progress,” I immediately think of my life as it has stretched out before me, both past and present, at times painful and others extremely happy and content. It means reaching milestones, putting in the work, whether to confront my demons and make drastic life changes, or simply implement routines to reach a serene existence. 

I guess “work in progress” means effort, and God knows I’ve put a lot of effort into bettering myself, healing myself, particularly in the past six years I’ve been in total sobriety. Twenty years ago, I had to come to the major realization that I had a dual diagnosis of both substance abuse disorder as well as bipolar type 1 disorder, and this would require tackling two things head on with rigid med compliance and complete abstention from all mood altering substances. At first, that was no easy task, and I struggled for years to find some semblance of sanity in all the chaos.

 I have some major regret that I didn’t fall into line until I was age 50. So many wasted years spent fighting and tinkering with my meds and chasing a marijuana buzz to quell anxiety that would have been handled if I just took my meds properly. But I guess this was just the “progression” of the work I had to do, and all I can say is thank God I finally cleaned my act up before it was too late. I’ve lost friends who also had a dual diagnosis, and it’s oh so painful to attend a funeral of someone gone before it should have been their time.

Today I devote my time to working on my Steps with sponsor Shawn, working with my treatment team to stay med compliant and in a healthy mental state, and working with my family, friends and AA fellowship so I feel supported and understood. I still have some bad days, but the vast majority are good, and I’m so grateful to have this sobriety I have worked hard for. With my life as a work in progress, that sort of indicates to me that new challenges might very well emerge in the future, but today I feel equipped to handle whatever comes my way. For with past work comes experience, with progress comes strength.