Prompt: Who are you when you're writing? How is that person different from who you are in other settings? What do you want to do with your writing?
Who Are You?
Who I am when I’m writing as of late is a person who wants to express herself. And also someone who wants to find out how and why I tick. Writing has always seemed to be an excellent vehicle to achieve these two things, and it’s a medium I turn to time and time again. I feel a strong compulsion to write, and it has been this way for as long as I can remember. Maybe it’s as simple as using the written word to help me help myself. Therapy 101. Whatever the case, I love to write, most often about my bipolar disorder.
My writing can vary greatly depending on the time of day. In the morning hours, lately I can lean towards being anxious, catastrophic and complaining; not the best company to be around. I grasp for words I think might save me from despair, and I can veer towards the melodramatic in my written pieces. In my morning pages, I’ve been hurting emotionally, I’ve been angry, most of all I’ve been frustrated. There’s also fear there too, never far away.
But then come afternoon and evening, it’s like a metamorphosis has occurred. My writing takes on a much more optimistic tone, I see possibilities, sometimes I might even reflect on a happy ending. The swing in my written work can appear very profound, and I think this offers a particularly good example of my bipolar mind at work. Tormented in the morning, liberated in the afternoon. Such is the writing “me” right now, as a woman in her late fifties chronicling her recovery from alcoholism and management of bipolar disorder.
In different settings, like when I’m at an AA meeting or out to dinner with friends, there’s still a touch of that familiar anxiety gnawing away at my gut, but I’m getting more confident with myself and it’s highly unlikely you’d notice any swing or shift in my demeanor. I’m very caring, compassionate and kind. I’m normally not candidly probing the depth of my feelings in public, like I do in my writing, so I’m removed from the sometimes rougher honesty that comes across in my written words. Though in places like sponsor Shawn’s AA Zoom on Monday nights, I’m opening up and telling my story more and more so my honest feelings are shining through.
Finally, as to what I want to accomplish with my writing, it’s pretty straightforward. I want to move from deep soul searching into something a little more removed from the self and more pointed towards exploration outward, more reflection on external events and the world around me. Being bipolar I’m kinda hot wired to be constantly assessing my mood and myself for any irregularities; I want to break free of that just a little bit and perhaps pen some fiction. Don’t get me wrong, I think my strength right now is personal reflection but I want to also focus my energy on new endeavors too.
I really enjoy the writing prompt of describing a person, place or thing, and I think a goal for myself is to take that prompt and tease out the beginnings of a fiction piece. Perhaps work on a short story, that’s something I’d like to attempt. I’d like to free myself up from constant musings about bipolar disorder and instead focus on a scene I create from my own imagination. Jesse’s prompt for next week on the “power of imagination” might be a launch pad for me to work on my goal.
