Writing Prompt: Giving Thanks

 Prompt: In recognition of the Thanksgiving holiday, write about some things you are thankful for.

Giving Thanks

Well, I’ve noticed that when I’m asked to reflect on things I’m thankful for, it changes according to how old I am. Now that I’m here at age 58, pushing up against age 60, the first thing that comes to mind for me to shout thanks to the heavens is for my health. I’m in reasonably good shape for my age, the only drawback being I get fatigued by my bipolar medicine and can get sedentary, but I’m pushing back against that. I’m walking and I joined a pool for water exercise classes. I eat a balanced diet and keep my stress low. I’m thankful that I don’t have any major health problems. I hope this continues for a long while.

Next, I’m thankful that I’m not alone, one of my biggest fears that I contend with. I’m thankful for my husband and our lengthy marriage, which has survived rocky times and remained intact. Yes, he irritates me sometimes and we have conflicts. But for the most part we are compatible, and continue on happy together. I’m thankful for supportive friends and family that I can lean on in my vulnerable times. This includes my AA family, which means so very much to me as I work to manage a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and alcoholism. My AA sponsor Shawn is especially important to me. We have met weekly for over 3 1/2 years, and he is patiently guiding me through the Steps. 

I’m thankful I have the resources for my excellent treatment team working with me to manage my bipolar type 1 with psychotic features and anxiety disorder. This includes a great psychiatrist and a talk therapist who is challenging me to keep pushing forward when all I want to do is give up and play the victim card. I’m thankful my psychiatrist tweaked my meds so I can now write again and read books. How frustrating it was when I couldn’t do either, something that I contended with for years. And I’m thankful my therapist is using eye movement therapy with me to successfully treat my trauma and anxiety stemming from repeated psychotic episodes. Finally I’m feeling relief and I’m functioning more normally.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, I’m thankful the obsession to drink, the craving for substances has left me. It took an extremely long time for this relief to come about, there was a whole heck of a lot of instability and repeated hospitalizations before I finally surrendered and eventually found my way back to the AA way of living. Only then did the cravings leave me. Was it the AA fellowship I found that successfully smashed the obsession? Or did a Higher Power relieve me of my weakness? Whatever the case, today I am sober and deeply thankful for it. I had been headed down a dark road but fortunately took a detour and today I walk in the light. Thank goodness for second chances. Now bring on happy, joyous and free! That’s what I’m working for. One day at a time.

Writing Prompt: AA Promises

 Prompt: Think about the AA Promises. Write something about a promise coming true in your life, or a promise(s) you would like to see happen.

Sometimes quickly, Sometimes slowly

I love it when the AA Promises are read before the meeting begins. Listening to them gives me hope that there will be a bright light at the end of my long, sometimes dark recovery journey. I’ve been at this sobriety thing off and on for 25 years; but only this recent go around have I been working with a sponsor on the Steps and earnestly looking for the promises coming true. So far, I have experienced the following promises:

1. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Like all alcoholics, I have done things in the past while drunk that I was deeply ashamed of. But when I opened up to sponsor Shawn and told him about things, my shame started to diminish. I don’t want to forget where I’ve come from and I won’t. My spiritual rock bottom was extremely vivid and painful. But today I’m on much stronger spiritual footing. There’s no room for regrets.

2. We will see how our experience can benefit others.

Attending sponsor Shawn’s Monday night Zoom for over 3 1/2 years, I’ve had ample opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope with the other attendees. I’ve been amazed by the people who have reached out to me after a meeting to let me know how much they appreciated what I shared. That makes me feel so good.

and 3. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

One of the most important things in my life is my relationship with sponsor Shawn and the members of my AA groups I attend. This fellowship with other alcoholics in recovery takes my focus off of myself and puts it squarely on hoping for the well being of friends trudging the same recovery road that I am. I truly love the AA fellowship I am a part of, and I care deeply about people I have met. When they share about themselves I’m interested in what they say. My life is richer because of these relationships.

As I continue working on the Steps with Shawn, I’m really looking forward to the following promises coming true: Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. Self seeking will slip away. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. And We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

I’ve had glimpses of some of these promises working in my life. There are moments in my day when I feel truly peaceful and serene. And in a few instances, I’ve prayed to God and he’s taken away my acute anxiety I was feeling. I look forward to experiencing all of the promises more fully. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if I work for them.

Writing Prompt: Dismantling Fear

Prompt: Take a fear you have and write about your plan should that fear become reality. That way when the fear returns we can confidently say nope, I’ve already written out a plan, no need to revisit that fear.

Dismantling Fear

I’ve shared with you before that when I did my Fourth Step with Shawn and had to write out my fear inventory, I came up with three very strong fears that plague me constantly when I’m future tripping in morning anxiety. It is the fear that I’ll end up a) alone, b) broke and c) insane. 

I assume all of these three things will be going on together, with no hope in sight. But wise AA Sponsor Shawn had me make a list of these fears, with the added instruction write underneath each fear the FACTS about where things stand today. A plan of sorts, to ensure these fears don’t come to fruition. What followed was an eye-opening exercise which left me feeling confident, definitely less fearful, and yes, optimistic that I was indeed going to be safe and OK. So let me go through this piece of paper I have, giving voice to the facts that keep me grounded in today, not a catastrophic unknown future.

Fear #1: I am alone.

Facts: I have a loving, loyal husband by my side. I have extended family all over Columbus, including my mother, brother, sister, and numerous nieces and nephews. I have numerous friends all over this town. I have my AA family, including Sponsor Shawn, my Creative Writing group, and other individuals in the recovery community. I may join a church, and find a new church family. So in other words, I am definitely not alone!

Fear #2: I am broke.

Facts: My husband and I are not broke. We have ample savings and financial security throughout retirement. We own our house. We do not live a lavish lifestyle and stay within a budget. My husband is frugal and an excellent financial planner. Everything is going to be OK. 

Fear #3: I am insane.

Facts: I have bipolar type 1 with psychotic features. I may have sporadic episodes but they are managed by one of the best psychiatrists in the city. I take my meds now as prescribed, religiously. I am completely sober from all substances, and have been for over 7 years. I get anxious I will go off the rails, but I have a safety net of doctors, family and friends around me. I know what to do if an episode starts to take hold, who to call and where to go, the hospital if need be. Every one of my episodes has a beginning, middle and end. They do not last forever. Today I am sane—and I’m like this most of the time! Can you even call me in an episode insane? Does this label even apply?

When I think about my base fears, I can see that they are rooted in this feeling that I am not going to be OK, or safe even. Sponsor Shawn said to me, Am I practicing faith that everything is going to be OK? I think about this a lot. My therapist Matt has told me to look into the mirror each morning and say, “I am safe. I am OK.” I’m experimenting with that and it’s helping.

According to the facts, my fears have no merit. Isn’t it time to let go and see my Higher Power has got me, has ensured I’m safe, I’m protected. Put your faith in the Higher Power and rest easy. Everything is handled. And that’s a fact.