Therapy Assignment: FEAR? Face or Flee?

FEAR?  Face or Flee?

The assignment is write a short piece telling anxiety, fear and worry to fuck off. I find I can utter these words out loud but do I really mean it? Lord, am I ready to throw off this incredible beast of anxiety holding me down; gripping my neck tight and throttling me within an inch of my life. All I do is worry and panic, getting frightened so easily by the smallest things. 

The current stressor du jour is that my endocrinologist of 25 years announced he is retiring, and I’m panicking that I won’t find a suitable replacement for him. I’ve been in an ongoing state of high anxiety for a week, requesting the addition of some new medication to give me relief. Dr. Levy turned that down, believing the stress will resolve in time, and that I have the fortitude to weather this storm.

I’m already on a large dose of anxiety medication, Gabapentin, which helps some but doesn’t protect me from anxiety breakthroughs. So I’m out here floundering, dealing with a tightened stomach, rapid heartbeat at times, and obsessive thoughts of fearful scenarios that swirl around in my head. All of this absolutely exhausts me, and keeps me trapped in my recliner most of the time. I need to break free of this. I can’t stand it anymore!

I’ve temporarily halted all my exercise, the weather outside is too oppressive for walking, and my thoughts are too disorganized and chaotic for me to operate a motor vehicle and drive all the way to the pool. My therapist Matt is going to challenge me, and give me a hard time for being cloistered inside and sedate. I don’t have the strength to argue with him. I’ll just say I’ll try to get back to my routine on Thursday, when the weather is better.

The worst thing I’m dealing with is a tightening of my mid section, my stomach area; it’s in a knot that won’t unwind. I’m thinking an Ativan or hit of weed would settle things right down, but no, that’s not for me anymore. Shawn says pray and the anxiety will go away. I don’t believe him, so I don’t pray. I’ve asked others to pray for me though, which they kindly have agreed to do.

Now back to my original assignment, telling this anxiety and fear monster to fuck off. I need to summon up some self esteem and a backbone to do that. Some self confidence to stand up and really challenge my central nervous system to get back in line so I can relax like I want to. 

I guess I took the easy way out and instead did an easy 4 minute session of Box Breathing on Insight Timer, followed by some 4-7-8 breathing exercises designed to help you release tension and find calm, in the face of an anxiety attack. Honestly this helped some, but the tension is still there. Will it always be?

I think I’ll compose a Haiku about my inability to architect a brutal response to anxiety. Did I fail this assignment? Maybe Matt will grant me some leniency.

FLIGHT NOT FIGHT

Feet far from the ground

Anxiety won this round

No fucks to be found

Challenges

 Hello again, dear reader(s). After a nice long run of fairly pleasant mornings, it’s back again to the early morning (4:00 am) wake ups, tossing and turning in bed until I arise around 8; then being gripped by worry and fear from around 8:00 am until 10:00 am. I’m on rinse and repeat, which exhausts me. 

I keep wanting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why this is happening to me. But my therapist tells me that’s a complete waste of time, and to just get myself the hell out of my chair and get out and get walking, to break the anxiety train in half. I have been forcing myself to do ten minute morning walks and I have to say that it’s helping!

Honestly readers, I’m getting mighty tired of complaining to others about my anxiety disorder. I just want to quietly work to manage this beast with the tools I’m getting in therapy, and keep to myself when I have the anxiety attacks. I’ve been using my elderly mother as my sounding board for too damn long. I need to remember that the anxiety is only bad on certain mornings, and only for a two hour window. Then it fades as my medication kicks in. I can get through this.

My other challenge, the bipolar with psychotic features disorder, is actually well under control and has been for a good long while. My medicine cocktail of Depakote (a mood stabilizer) plus Risperdal (an antipsychotic) has worked beautifully to keep my moods regulated and ensure I don’t experience manic psychosis. This means I’ve stayed out of the psych ward, and what a blessed relief that is! 

Now, all is not totally peachy keen, as my meds have some very challenging side effects, including cognitive impairment, memory loss, weight gain, hair loss, and fatigue and sedation. But as I said earlier, I’m getting kinda tired of complaining about my situation, and instead I’m kinda tempted to just quietly accept things as they are. “Acceptance is the answer” from AA seems fitting when thinking about my meds.

I’m much more than my mental health conditions, and I’d like to move forward out of the worry and fear and into enriching activities to fill up my days. I do have my water exercise classes, my cooking projects, and my gatherings with friends and family. I’m trying to identify a volunteer opportunity that I might like. I’m looking into planning a trip to the Hocking Hills with my husband and hound dog. Keeping myself occupied is important; it helps me to overcome challenges. 

Well, that’s all for today, thanks for tuning in, always remember to let whatever you do today be enough. Easy does it, and all that. Catch ya later!

Writing Prompt: I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

 Prompt: Feeling out of sorts? Write about not feeling like yourself.

I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

When you have to deal with bipolar disorder, and add to that contend with a wonky thyroid gland, it’s been my experience that you go through many, many days not feeling like you’re supposed to. I went through a three month stretch this past winter of feeling completely overwhelmed with anxiety, caused by doctors making changes to my thyroid medication dose. It was awful, and I wore down my support people with all my angst and complaining. Thank God I’m finally adjusted to my medication.

When my bipolar medication isn’t at the correct dose, or I’ve embarked on strange diets that alter my metabolism which in turn affects my bipolar meds, I can quickly escalate into psychotic mania. I lose touch with reality, and I definitely start behaving in ways that are not like my normal self. 

I get grandiose, believing I’m a superstar or a prophet, with special abilities and talents. I throw random things away in the trash, believing I need to send “messages” to the City. I can go on spending sprees, buying bizarre items that when I return to sanity, I end up not liking and wanting to get rid of because it’s painful to look at them.

In a way, my manias traumatize me, because I do things and say things (like wander downtown, talking out loud to myself) that later cause me deep embarrassment when I think about them. I know it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel so ashamed but I can’t help it. Losing my mind is not something I’m proud to admit.