Writing Prompt: A Power Greater Than Myself

 Prompt: Who has changed your life, and how?

A Power Greater Than Myself

Step 2 of AA goes as follows: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I have a concrete example of this in my life, my psychiatrist Dr. Alan Levy, who in his conservative, measured way brought me out of insane bipolar instability into the stable, controlled life I lead today. I have been under his care for 8 years, and we have developed quite a relationship.

Dr. Levy got my medication straightened out, and encouraged me to stay the course when med side effects started wrecking havoc on my system. He patiently listens to me gripe session after session, yet somehow he calms me and I end up staying religiously med compliant, along with staying completely sober. 

It took me a very long time to get to this total abstinence from alcohol and weed, and I realize that Dr. Levy appreciates my sobriety journey. He’s never said this directly but I’m fairly certain Dr. Levy wouldn’t treat me if I were actively using alcohol, weed, or another mood-altering substance. So I guess I had to be ready to work with him, and that didn’t happen until I was 51 years old.

Everything dovetailed together in the Spring of 2017, starting sobriety again, finding Dr. Levy, and getting on a completely new medication cocktail. It all just clicked, and I was finally on my way, after years of chaos and multiple hospital stays. It hasn’t been a complete bed of roses throughout the past 8 years. I’ve had some challenging struggles with anxiety, which we cannot seem to completely control. But maybe that’s something you can’t permanently nail down. Oh well.

Dr. Levy is aging, he’s definitely in his late 60s, maybe early 70s? I’m not sure. He’s not considering retirement yet, but I know we are inching closer to that day. I’ll be devastated to lose him, I truly cherish his wisdom and skill at identifying the correct meds and dosage amounts for me. I’m going to stay out of the scary future though and not worry about what happens when Dr. Levy and I part ways. Today things are good.

Feeling Better!

 Well, after weeks of feeling physically off; and having my doctor run blood tests and urine tests and everything else under the sun, only to find nothing was wrong; I report that I have enjoyed a good week of feeling good! I know a few weeks back I cut back my Gabapentin dose by a mere 400 mg. and maybe this has something to do with it? I’m not sure.

But I’m extremely pleased to be feeling better. I have been continuing with my morning walk and swim exercise class twice a week. I want to add something else, like get a personal trainer and hit weights, but that’s expensive. Maybe I’ll just add something else like additional walking into my days. 

At some point I’ve just got to address my excess weight which keeps me from moving the way I want to. I’m roughly 50 pounds overweight and I’ve thought about doing the GLP-1 weight loss injections, but something is holding me back. I love my cooking so much and I don’t want those injections taking away my love of preparing food. 

There’s always the option of just cutting my calories down, I’ve done that before and lost a lot of weight. But I’m struggling with that, I think I may have been somewhat depressed lately and my appetite is increased. Oh, I just hate this excess weight and how difficult it can be to get it off and keep it off! Quitting the nicotine gum last year slowed my metabolism down further, and I gained 10 lbs. I just can’t get off. It’s frustrating.

But let’s put this weight talk aside and just enjoy the fact that I’m feeling good today. I’m roasting an oregano fennel seed chicken with tomatoes and garlic and the house smells divine. It’s our Sunday dinner, and I’m excited to have it. 

Michael and I are talking about taking a vacation somewhere. It’s been an extremely long time since we travelled. On the one hand I want to get away, on the other hand I’m scared. Feel the fear and do it anyway, right? We are at the age where we should be traveling. I need some courage. Something to discuss in therapy. The saga continues.

Writing Prompt: Land of the Lost

 Prompt: Write about a time you were lost. How did you find your way?

Land of the Lost

Thirty years ago, Central Ohio AA was home to a lot of lost people, myself included. I was 29, unemployed, recently returned to my hometown from Washington D.C. where I abandoned a career I loved in favor of a doomed relationship that blew up in my face. 

Yes, I came home and proceeded to drink myself silly every night, wallowing in self-pity. When the depression took ahold of me, I somehow made my way to a nearby talk therapist who, after a few sessions, quickly sized me up as a drunk and told me to go to rehab. I resisted a little, but knew the writing was on the wall. I was near bottom and had to turn things around.

The rehab place I went to enrolled me in their six week intensive outpatient program, which met three nights a week. Additional attendance at local AA meetings was required, and I can’t remember if I did the well-known “90 meetings in 90 days.” I did though go to plenty of meetings all over town. 

I remember learning a lot about the disease of alcoholism in those outpatient sessions I attended. The information sunk in and made sense to me. It carried me through five years of sobriety from alcohol after leaving outpatient. But I was someone who kept going to AA meetings without getting a sponsor or doing the 12 Steps. I also kept smoking marijuana so I wasn’t practicing total sobriety. 

But I was faithful to five years of alcohol abstinence, which for someone in their late twenties/early thirties living in a big drinking town was no small feat. Times then weren’t like they are today, with younger people not drinking as much anymore. It seemed like everyone was drinking. But not me. I counted my days, got my coins at meetings, and got stronger. 

I would go on to enroll in a Journalism Masters program at the Ohio State University, and at a local coffee shop meet the man who would become my husband. Good things happened to me. The seed of recovery was planted, and I felt lost no more. 

Why Do I Feel Off?

 So I continue to feel off around an hour after I take these pills. I’ve narrowed things down to the hefty dose of Gabapentin I’m on (felt sick after taking my noon dose), so two days ago I shaved off 400 mg from my noon dose. We shall see how I do. So far, so good. I want to reduce from 4,800 mg down to 3,200 mg/day eventually. Can I get there?

 I just feel in my gut that I’m on way too much of this med and it’s making me sick. I tried to bring my concerns about it to Dr. Levy but he kinda brushed me off. I have an appointment with my PCP Doug Schumacher next week and I’m going to ask him if he thinks I’m on too much Gabapentin. 

The problem is what other anti anxiety med is there out there for me if the Gabapentin isn’t used? Buspar? I’m not allowed to be on an SSRI so my options are limited. I’m very frustrated and just want to get back to feeling better. I was experiencing almost total relief from anxiety at the hefty dose of gabapentin I was on, but now I don’t feel well and that sucks. So back to the drawing board.

One thing I have noticed is if I push through the sick feeling and just do my walking or water exercise I tend to feel better afterwards. When I’m sedentary I feel worse. So I’m just going to get moving more. I got Michael to take me to a local park to see a bison herd and then we hiked down to a creek bed, I got over 8,000 steps, which is really good for me! 

Maybe what I’m going through is just natural aging stuff, but no, I’m 59 and I should be feeling better than I do. I can pinpoint when I started feeling off, it was exactly a year ago, and I had given up chewing nicotine gum and having occasional cigarettes at mom’s place. I’m now completely nicotine free and I’m having a lung scan tomorrow to see if there is any damage to my lungs we need to be concerned about. 

I’m nicotine free, no more alcohol, weed or cigarettes. So why aren’t I feeling better? It’s a mystery, I blame all these meds I take. But I’m definitely going to continue to be med compliant, that’s not going to change. Maybe we chalk my ailments up to being an aging bipolar with anxiety and Graves’ disease. I’m perhaps not supposed to be feeling good all the time.

 Let’s not forget I’m presently 50 lbs. overweight. What are we going to do about that? Do I try GLP-1 weight loss drug injections? I really don’t want to do that. Embark again on a quasi-Keto diet? That just makes me feel like shit. What to do…just lean into acceptance? Perhaps.

So I’ll keep an update on how I’m doing. The doctors, so far, haven’t helped me. One year feeling “off” is a long time to be suffering. I want answers. I guess I have to be my own advocate. Sigh.