Some Progress

Hello dear readers and apologies for my absence. I am heavily medicated right now and slow to respond on things. Also, my thoughts are a tad bit jumbled and hard to get down on paper. I may have to resort to just posting music lyrics that capture how I am feeling. For some strange reason, that helps.

I am back to work after a four week absence, which really is something of note. To recover so quickly from an episode has not happened to me before; plus I was able to be "hospitalized" at home (i. e. car keys and jewelry taken away; credit cards removed; medicine dosage monitored and followed through, etc.).

Medicine wise, we jacked up the Depakote to 2,500 mg/day; increased the Invega to 9 mg/day and added Seroquel at 800 mg/day. It's quite a "load" but I can definitely function. My sleep, though slightly choppy, is getting better. I do, however, have serious memory problems, but I am going to focus on writing things down -- making lists -- when something pertains to something important.

Regarding my writer's block: It is still here but I am going to try and push through it. Things just aren't flowing like they used to. We had that window there for a bit then it shut (as it always does) so I need to get it open again. Some assistance may be needed. When I'm prolific, the words just flow on to the page. I don't really have to think about things at all. But during periods like these, things are tough.

So here is where we stand today. Walking, not crawling. Which is good.

Pushing Through Writer's Block

Hello dear readers. I've been in a mild episode, but I believe I am starting to recover. Writer's block is in place, but I'm going to do my best to overcome it.

Here are two songs I've been thinking about recently:

"My City Was Gone" by the Pretenders

I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY CITY WAS GONE
THERE WAS NO TRAIN STATION
THERE WAS NO DOWNTOWN

SOUTH HOWARD HAD DISAPPEARED
ALL MY FAVORITE PLACES
MY CITY HAD BEEN PULLED DOWN
REDUCED TO PARKING SPACES

A, O, WAY TO GO OHIO

WELL I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY FAMILY WAS GONE
I STOOD ON THE BACK PORCH
THERE WAS NOBODY HOME

I WAS STUNNED AND AMAZED
MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
SLOWLY SWIRLED PAST
LIKE THE WIND THROUGH THE TREES

A, O, OH WAY TO GO OHIO

I WENT BACK TO OHIO
BUT MY PRETTY COUNTRYSIDE
HAD BEEN PAVED DOWN THE MIDDLE
BY A GOVERNMENT THAT HAD NO PRIDE

THE FARMS OF OHIO
HAD BEEN REPLACED BY SHOPPING MALLS
AND MUZAK FILLED THE AIR
FROM SENECA TO CUYAHOGA FALLS

SAID, A, O, OH WAY TO GO OHIO

* * *

"The Look Of Love" by ABC

When your world is full of strange arrangements
and gravity won't pull you through
you know you're missing out on something
well that something depends on you.

All I'm saying it takes a lot to love you
all I'm doing you know it's true
all I mean now there's one thing
yes one thing that turns this grey sky to blue.

That's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love

When your girl has left you out on the pavement (Goodbye)
Then your dreams fall apart at the seams
Your reason for living's your reason for leaving
Don't ask me what it means.

Who got the look? I don't know the answer to that question
Where's the look? If I knew I would tell you
What's the look? Look for your information
Yes there's one thing the one thing that still holds true
What's that?

That's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love

That's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love
that's the look that's the look the look of love

If you judge a book by the cover
Then you judge the look by the lover
I hope you'll soon recover
Me I go from one extreme to another

And all my friends just might ask me
They say 'Martin, maybe, one day you'll find true love'
And I say 'Maybe, there must be a solution to
The one thing, the one thing, we can't find'

That's the look that's the look, Sisters and Bothers
that's the look that's the look, should help each other
that's the look that's the look, oh, oh, oh,
Heavens above.

That's the look that's the look, hip hip hooray, ay.
that's the look that's the look, yippee ai yippee aiay
that's the look that's the look, be lucky in love
Look of love.

Tarry, Tarry Night

We have introduced another drug -- Seroquel -- into my med cocktail. This drug has anti-psychotic and mood stabilization properties, plus helps one sleep. Although I do feel better, my mind is definitely not sharp; my memory is out the window; and I'm having trouble writing. Right now my hands shake and my vision is a little blurry, despite my wearing glasses. I'm nervous about this.

I am assuming we will pull the Seroquel out and back down the Depakote and Invega when this "episode" passes. I'm looking forward to that because I feel like I'm in a mental tar pit. I was having crazy thoughts of going back to work on Monday, but I'm in no shape for that. I'm tired most of the time, which is a big pain in the butt.

I have learned that although I may have pills and "skills" from talk therapy, my surrounding environment is important too. I think I told you my place is a mess -- I am a terrible housekeeper -- and I believe it represents who I am right now. This brings me down. I thought we had someone lined up to do the exterior projects but that fell through. I'm so disappointed. I just don't have the energy to do the projects myself. Wish I did, but this is a fact.

Feeling dejected because I know I must go back to AGC. We don't have the money for me to just hang out all summer. I really, really don't want to go back but I'm wrestling with guilt and it's familiar to me. The thought of having to manage Build Ohio 2014 is frightening to me right now. It's one of my responsibilities and I must do it. But I am afraid.

Also, my sense of "grandiosity" -- i.e. I am a special being that must be put in the spotlight and celebrated -- is starting to phase out. I'm just an ordinary woman, with a very poor self esteem problem, traumatized, and a mental train wreck. I just want to cry forever, knowing that were it not for my disorder, I could have accomplished so much more. I'm really getting upset as I write this, as it's so hard to come to grips with the fact that I am basically just mediocre.

I think I better stop writing for today. It's getting me upset. It's a beautiful day today but I feel so sad...maybe this will change.