Tarry, Tarry Night

We have introduced another drug -- Seroquel -- into my med cocktail. This drug has anti-psychotic and mood stabilization properties, plus helps one sleep. Although I do feel better, my mind is definitely not sharp; my memory is out the window; and I'm having trouble writing. Right now my hands shake and my vision is a little blurry, despite my wearing glasses. I'm nervous about this.

I am assuming we will pull the Seroquel out and back down the Depakote and Invega when this "episode" passes. I'm looking forward to that because I feel like I'm in a mental tar pit. I was having crazy thoughts of going back to work on Monday, but I'm in no shape for that. I'm tired most of the time, which is a big pain in the butt.

I have learned that although I may have pills and "skills" from talk therapy, my surrounding environment is important too. I think I told you my place is a mess -- I am a terrible housekeeper -- and I believe it represents who I am right now. This brings me down. I thought we had someone lined up to do the exterior projects but that fell through. I'm so disappointed. I just don't have the energy to do the projects myself. Wish I did, but this is a fact.

Feeling dejected because I know I must go back to AGC. We don't have the money for me to just hang out all summer. I really, really don't want to go back but I'm wrestling with guilt and it's familiar to me. The thought of having to manage Build Ohio 2014 is frightening to me right now. It's one of my responsibilities and I must do it. But I am afraid.

Also, my sense of "grandiosity" -- i.e. I am a special being that must be put in the spotlight and celebrated -- is starting to phase out. I'm just an ordinary woman, with a very poor self esteem problem, traumatized, and a mental train wreck. I just want to cry forever, knowing that were it not for my disorder, I could have accomplished so much more. I'm really getting upset as I write this, as it's so hard to come to grips with the fact that I am basically just mediocre.

I think I better stop writing for today. It's getting me upset. It's a beautiful day today but I feel so sad...maybe this will change.