Christmas Eve Reflections, and On To The New Year

  Well it’s another Christmas Eve, and yet again I found myself sliding into the dumps, and feeling sorry for myself and hating what my medication does to me. I’m kinda unhappy, I’m certainly fearful of a lot, and I had great difficulty listening to the Christmas music Michael was playing this morning. I’ve got cooking to do this afternoon and I don’t want to do it. Call me restless, irritable and discontent, this has been going on for months now.

I read over last year’s Christmas entry and I felt the same way. I guess holidays are rough for some people, myself included. I feel lonely, and physically not in the best shape. I’ve been feeling lightheaded and woozy, and as always trapped in this recliner. Nobody likes to read about some depressed, broken down, old bipolar, and certainly not on Christmas. I need to turn this ship around, but how?

I’m absolutely sick and tired of Levy, Matt and Michael telling me to exercise. I’m not going to do that, except my water exercise class two days a week. That’s better than nothing. I know these guys are trying to help but god damn it, I just don’t have the energy and these meds make me so damn sedate. Oh, how I hate these pills! Why won’t new meds come on the market? 

It’s Christmas and I’m complaining. What a mess. Perhaps things will turn around Christmas Day. I just want to feel better. Santa make my wish come true.

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Ok, my, have things turned around for me since I penned the depressing stuff above! Welcome 2025, today I got myself to the Schiller Park Rec Center where I got the schedule for their winter session fitness classes. I am signing up for a morning fitness class on MWF, as well as an art class on Fridays. Everything is free for seniors! Therapist Matt got me focused on making this step, and I’m excited to start working off this holiday time weight gain.

Got the outdoor Christmas decorations put away, but we are leaving the tree up for a little longer. We have been going to hockey games and the Blue Jackets are actually winning a lot of them! It’s been fun being in the arena with everyone cheering our team on. My beloved Ohio State Buckeyes soundly defeated Oregon in the Rose Bowl yesterday, and now the team advances to the quarterfinals in the College Football championship. We might actually win the national championship this year. Fingers crossed for good luck!

The only thing really bugging me right now is my weight. I’m going to embark on calorie counting and portion size reduction to try and carve off some pounds. I may limit carbs but I have to be extremely careful of that. Carb restriction affects my Depakote dosage and I can get sick. The key is to do this weight loss slowly, not to get impatient and want to rush things. I can do this!

I’m feeling much better, not dizzy and sick like I felt last month. Not sure what brought about this change, maybe it was stopping drinking the water from the fridge dispenser? Whatever it is, I feel better and I’m relieved. I’ll be focusing on my health and wellness in 2025, I hope to get stronger and feel a lift in mood, like Dr. Levy has promised. 

So Happy New Year, keep moving forward Melissa, one foot in front of the other. I’m feeling positive vibes today, so I’m gonna ride that as long as I can. Bring on 2025!

Writing Prompt: Sweet Little Lies

 Prompt: Think about little white lies and the effects and consequences from them that we never consider when telling them in the moment. Write about your experiences and encourage other group participants. 

Sweet Little Lies

There are some lyrics from an old Fleetwood Mac song that go, “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.” I’m reminded of that when I think about the little white lies I often tell my husband, even though I’ve sworn to myself that I needed to clean up my act and be truthful in everything I do. I guess I was a liar throughout my drinking and using years, and that’s continued into my sobriety. A glaring character defect that I’m reluctant to turn over to God even though that might do me a world of good.

A recent lie that I was perpetuating involved my sneaky purchases of boxes of nicotine gum behind my husband’s back while he was trying to ration me to 8 pieces of gum a day. I would take those 8 pieces of gum he would give me then supplement it with a stash of extra pieces from the box I had purchased. A box I kept hidden in a bag buried underneath some coats hanging up in a closet. The behavior reminded me of my using days when I’d hide bottles of wine underneath the sink, and drink more than everyone else. No attempt at moderation or rationing would ever work.

I finally got free from the insanity of the hidden nicotine gum boxes four months ago, when my husband and I gave up nicotine gum for good. It took complete abstinence from nicotine for me to stop this particular lie, something I’m painfully aware of. 

I decided today to tell my husband about the hidden gum boxes. He wasn’t angry at me at all, but what concerns me is he basically accepts that I tell these little white lies. He doesn’t think I will change. This doesn’t sit well with me, I don’t want to be seen as a liar, I want to be known for my attempts at honesty and turning over a new leaf by trying to live by a 12-step program. But I guess when you’ve been telling little lies to your spouse for decades, and they are aware of it, building back trust is not going to happen overnight.

Another lie I’m telling is that I’m brushing my teeth every night. My husband wants us to practice good dental hygiene so we don’t have expensive dental bills. So he reminds me every night when I go up to bed to brush my teeth. For some reason, maybe laziness, I don’t want to brush my teeth every night. But I run my toothbrush under the faucet in case my husband checks it. He asks me if I’m brushing and I lie and say yes. 

I feel powerless over this lying. Is it something all addicts do? Maybe people lie whether they are addicts or not. I want to change. God grant me the courage to change the things I can. It may be time to fess up to my husband about the teeth brushing. I think if I just go about dismantling one sweet little lie at a time, I’ll be making good progress. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…things will always materialize if we work for it.

Writing Prompt: A Daily Reprieve

 Prompt: Contemplate the idea of a daily reprieve and the work required to keep it. Write about where you are with this in your life today. It could be a reprieve from any number of issues that you are experiencing now in sobriety.

Beyond Temporary Relief

For this week’s writing on AA’s Daily Reprieve, I decided to first look up the definition of “reprieve” to see what I could find. A cancellation or postponement of a punishment, it said. And a cancellation of a painful or otherwise lousy situation. In other words, if you’re being tortured, a reprieve is a break from whatever’s tormenting you. To get a reprieve is to get relief for a time. A reprieve is only temporary. 

In sobriety now for over 7 years, I’ve found a long term reprieve from the horrors of active alcoholism. The Big Book says: “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” A daily reprieve in AA refers to the idea that people in recovery can postpone the inevitability of their damaging drinking or drug use by staying focused on one day at a time, and carrying God’s will into all our activities. Importantly, this means His will, not mine, be done.  

To maintain this AA daily reprieve, I do the following: 

1. Practice spirituality through prayer and meditation. I try to pray consistently, though it’s been hard remembering to say a prayer every day. I joined a prayer accountability group with a few people which has helped me to stay focused and on track. As for meditation, I installed the Insight Timer app on my phone, and I’ve been following some guided meditations for managing anxiety and fear. It’s been helpful.

2. Live in the present by focusing on the here and now, not the catastrophic future. Nick from our AA fellowship says the Higher Power resides in the present. I firmly believe that. When I hang out in future thinking I tend to feel nothing but terror and I feel alone. But in the present I have peace and have experienced conscious contact with God. God’s will for me can be found in the present. I just need to let go of trying to control outcomes. 

3. Work the AA program. I do this by attending AA meetings, meeting my sponsor Shawn once a week, and working to complete the 12 AA Steps. I’m currently on Step 7 and I’ve been here for awhile. Shawn is letting me take my time, which I appreciate. I’m looking forward to the Spiritual Awakening that comes from completing the Steps. 

And 4. Serve others. I do this by sharing my experience, strength and hope at AA meetings, making 7th tradition donations, and staying active in my prayer group and my writing group. It’s important that I stay involved with my AA fellowship. I treasure the people I have met in AA, and consider them kindred spirits traveling along with me on this sober journey.

We are not cured from alcoholism or drug addiction. But we do have this daily reprieve, which can bring us a happy, joyous and free life—if we work for it. One day at a time, my life is getting better. I’ve moved beyond temporary relief from something definitely lousy into something consistently pleasant and sometimes even wonderful. Amen to that!