Physically Off

 Good morning reader(s), I report I’ve been going through a period of not feeling well physically. I can’t really verbalize my symptoms, it’s just a sense I have of feeling “off” and kinda like these medications I’m on are too strong for my system. I keep waiting for this situation to resolve itself but nothing improves. What’s going on?

I asked Dr. Levy if something was wrong with my med dosages and he said no, what was happening was I have gone through a very intense anxiety episode over Dr. Larrimer announcing his retirement in July. Basically my body is still reacting to that, and needs time to recover. 

This explanation sounded a little like a brush off of my concerns; I was thinking maybe this 112 mcg dose of levothyroxine was too high, but no, Dr. Levy wants it remaining where it is. Honestly it’s exhausting trying to figure out what’s causing me to feel unwell. I’m constantly questioning the meds, but I really have no idea what’s causing this. 

I’m left wondering how long I’m going to feel this way. Will it just continue to be an issue for the rest of my life? It’s so friggin tempting to start tinkering with that hefty Gabapentin dose I’m on, start lowering it, even though I’ve got ample experience showing me that the anxiety comes roaring back if I do that.

Speaking of anxiety, I’ve had extremely blissful mornings since switching to half-caff coffee. I’m going to make a commitment to decaf coffee eventually. I wish I had done this sooner! Now what’s left is to get moving more, get out of this chair. That’s proven to be a very hard thing to do, I’m entirely wedded to staying seated and sedate.

My thinking now is try to improve the way I’m physically feeling by increasing my step count. Michael is trying to nudge me to move more, and Matt is being more forceful about it. Dr. Levy has been after me to move for years. I know I can commit to this, just need to push myself. Ok, I’m headed out for my morning walk. One foot in front of the other!

Relief? New Changes

 Hello there reader(s), I report I’ve made changes to my morning routine and I’m feeling better! Morning anxiety isn’t plaguing me as much, which is a blessed relief! Here’s what I’m doing:

I am now drinking only two cups of Starbucks “Half Caff” in the morning. I go on a 10-minute walk after my first cup of coffee. I have a banana sometimes before the walk, sometimes after. I do the walk even on mornings when I have the pool class. This combined reduction in caffeine and increased movement in the morning has really lessened my anxiety. Both were suggested by my friend Julie, yet Dr. Levy has been after me to exercise for 8 years.

I told Matt I wanted to shower more frequently so he suggested bathing on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ve been experimenting with the Sunday and Wednesday but have yet to include the third day, Friday. But today is Friday so I’m thinking I will get in and rinse off, so I have something to report to Matt next week. Plus it makes sense since I’m in the pool Tuesdays and Thursdays and I should be washing the chlorine off my body.

It was difficult for me to admit I needed help bathing more than once a week. I feel ashamed that I am not taking better care of my hygiene. Michael doesn’t feel like it’s a problem; but I’m concerned enough that I’m working to implement a change in habits.

 I’m also starting now to brush my teeth in the morning as well as at night. I have been doing nightly brushing for a long time (with repeated prompts from Michael). It’s so tempting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out WHY I struggle so much to brush my teeth and shower. I’m not depressed (I don’t think), so it must be the meds making things difficult. But as Matt would say, who gives a fuck about the Why, let’s focus on changing things, improving things.

I’m almost weaned off the Simply Sleep I was taking during that awful period of high anxiety I just went through. The media has been abuzz about how these OTC aids like Benedryl cause dementia; I asked Dr. Levy about it and he didn’t really believe that was true. He said using the sleeping aids sparingly and in small amounts was ok. My PCP Dr. Schumacher said the same thing. I think it’s best right now to be off of it. So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m having a productive day of doing laundry and organizing kitchen cabinets. Tonight I’m making roasted salmon with cherry tomatoes and shallots, along with an eggplant and cucumber stir fry. At least my cooking has remained a constant all throughout my bipolar and anxiety journey. I need to remember it’s like mom says, we all have assets and liabilities. Things we can do and things we can’t (or don’t want to) do. 

Let’s live just for today, keep it One Day At a Time. I do best when I live this way. Stay in the present, Melissa. Have a good day.

Writing Prompt: Poetry

Writing Prompt: Try your hand at writing a haiku or diamanté poem.

Neurodivergent

Need prompts to brush teeth.

Rewear socks days in a row.

Yet master many words.

Resilience (Sisyphus Tale)

Push to overcome

Fight temptation to give up

I can’t no option.

Mom’s recent poetry:

Patience

The last virtue to appear

Deep breathing brings it near

Physically slows the heart

Delays a hasty start.

Calms the high anxiety

Of what could be

Versus doing what one can.

And standing calm

For life’s inevitable stress

Not careless

But saying privately

One can handle whatever

Is to be.

Macro-Micro

I read recently in some place

An astounding idea of outer space:

The possibility of many universes linked

In ways beyond my ken I think.

So since I live in this changing time

Where all expands beyond my mind

Why do I continue to insist

On my own importance in this mist?

A teeny,tiny spec of sand

Insignificant

Yet to myself so grand

Logic will not answer this

The senselessness

Of the abyss.