From Hellion To Hermit

I was a very "bad" girl back in the day. I say this tongue-in-cheek. In essence, I loved to socialize, loved to go to parties, always wanted to be in the center of the action. I was like this from a very young age and cultivated numerous friendships along the way. I "partied hard" with alcohol and pot, and I enjoyed it, thank you very much! I never got in trouble with the law -- and for that I am extremely grateful.

I particularly enjoyed making people laugh -- and I was a natural at it. I picked up this skill by following in my father's shoes. He had a wonderful wit and a smile for everyone. I know he was tickled pink to see that his daughter was following in his footsteps. It made him proud.

Yet when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the frustrating search for an effective medicine combination began, I began to retreat from my friends. When the phone rang, I cringed and couldn't wait for the answering machine to kick in. As for checking messages, days would pass before I forced myself to listen to the calls. I didn't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.

I slowly began to isolate myself, only going out to my part-time job in an office of five; to the grocery; to walk my two Basset Hounds; and to do miscellaneous errands that didn't require a lot of conversation. It was if overnight I was transformed from a hellion to a hermit. I know this confused my friends, who initially kept calling me to invite me out, but eventually stopped when their phone calls were not returned. Who can blame them? I don't.

Today, my true comfort zone is at home with my husband and two hounds. That's it. My anxiety remains under control and I feel safe. We do not answer the phone at all, unless it is a family member calling. This means we miss out on a lot of contact with the outside world. But I now have my Facebook world to keep in touch with old friends. As I've said, Facebook doesn't scare or threaten me at all and I feel very comfortable with it. Sure, I've had a few run-ins with some negative folks, but those are very, very rare. I do often wonder if I am a freak for loving Facebook so much, but it keeps me "plugged in" to other people.

Man is a social animal. Most are driven to intermingle with others. For the most part, face-to-face. I used to be this way, in many ways to an extreme. But all that changed. Does my shame over my diagnosis or the medication prompt me to isolate from others? I'm not sure. I know being a hermit isn't healthy, yet I do nothing to change it. I know this is behavior that needs to be reversed. It's just so hard. Chalk this up to another thing I need to work on in therapy. Grrrrr.