Some Words About Shame

Most probably know that in the good old days, individuals with a mental illness were likely confined to asylums for long periods of time, and basically shut off from normal society. It's almost as if the general feeling was, "We'll just put 'these people' here, where no one has to see them."

It's my belief that, although our society has made some strides in mental health care, efforts to eradicate the stigma attached to the mentally ill have been woefully lacking. And when we hear of individuals with a mental illness doing a very violent act (i.e. mass shootings), the public becomes frightened and/or outraged -- rightfully so. Yet this stokes the stigma flames and in my case, makes me feel very scared I will be forever perceived as a potential threat, even though I have never been violent or harmed anyone.

The existing stigma also makes me so ashamed that I have a mental illness, it must be my "fault," and I need to stay away from the general public. Now, I guess I know that deep down, none of this is true, but I cannot seem to break this line of thinking. I feel "less than" and my self esteem is very, very low right now. I have been seeing a therapist once a week for over two years to work on these issues -- and we are making progress -- but my shame feelings are very strong and difficult to unravel.

As I've expanded my network of friends also contending with a mental illness, it's clear that I am not the only one contending with shame. It's widespread, and they are also frightened of how they will be perceived if people find out they have a mental disorder. Many keep their diagnosis secret. Over the years, I have become more comfortable revealing my illness and talking about it, but it took some time to get to this point.

Sadly, my shame has led to cutting off my friends, and interacting with only family, four colleagues in my office, a few doctors and individual at clinics, and the friends I have through Facebook. For some reason, I am very comfortable on Facebook and prefer that mode of communication to "face to face" interaction. It feels safe, I cannot be physically seen, and I can express myself freely and confidently. A few of my Facebook friends know I have bipolar disorder, but many do not. And I like it that way.

I think as advancements are made in eradicating mental illness stigmatization, I can shed my shame a little easier. In the meantime, I'll continue to work on it in therapy. It's the fear of a negative perception that keeps me trapped. Before I end here, I want to really emphasize that the vast, vast majority of individuals with a mental illness are not violent in any way. We can be engaging, productive members of society. I hope all can remember that. It's important.