Accentuate The Positive!

I decided today that I am going to take some credit for managing my illness so well right now. Well, I share the credit with my husband, who has an eagle eye when it comes to identifying the symptoms of emerging mania. It's Springtime, I'm in the Danger Zone, and I'm doing well. Nice and steady, mood-wise. This is very relieving for me.

Almost three years have gone by since I was last hospitalized (May 2011), and this is indeed something to celebrate. No locked wards, no delusional wandering around Columbus, no fights with my husband because he won't admit he's a secret agent.

My current medicine regime appears to be working well. I am on Depakote and Lamictal for mood stabilization; Invega to control psychosis; Lexapro to address any depression that might crop up; and Ativan to keep my anxiety (and stress) in check. I take my daily "med cocktail" religiously. For the most part, I always have. Pills and skills (from psychotherapy) keep this woman with bipolar disorder on the straight and narrow. Full compliance by me is a given.

I have noticed my weight is creeping up from the recent increase in my Depakote. But I am going to try to not worry about that. I guess I'd rather have mental stability over a skinny body. My husband doesn't seem to mind how I look. So I probably shouldn't mind either. But you know we women -- particularly those like me in middle age -- we want to look sexy and desirable. I did go do some clothes shopping today and found some cute clothes that accentuate my body in a positive way. Hopefully wearing them eases my worries about my weight.

I had a good day at work today. Functioning well and getting my on-going tasks done. I think all of my colleagues now know I have bipolar disorder, but they really don't appear to treat me any differently. Of course, I don't know what is said about me behind my back, but I'll just trust that it's complimentary.

I continue to crank out fabulous gourmet dinners for us every night. I've been on an Asian cuisine kick lately, making ramen and for tonight, a kimchi and tofu stew. I may try to prepare tempura later in the week. For the most part, I cook a different dinner every night of the year. I enjoy cooking so very much. It's a gift that evolved from my disorder and I'm grateful for it.

So all in all, I'm doing quite well tonight. I treasure each day I am stable. This is not to stay I don't have lingering obstacles to overcome, but the more stable days I can string together, the stronger I get. I'm thankful for today, and have high hopes for tomorrow.

All's Calm On The Western Front

Well, my tummy is full right now, after eating a lovely dinner I cooked for my husband and myself. After signing off in my last post, I went straight to bed and crashed out cold for 4 hours. Woke up, had a massage, did some grocery shopping, and prepared dinner. My husband bought a "sweet treat" for me to have tonight. I'm sipping hot tea and feeling quite stable. Perhaps we have indeed nipped this mood escalation in the bud.

 I saw this "quote" on my Facebook News Feed tonight and it intrigued me. I'm right there with my life not going as planned. It's the "and that's okay" which gives me pause.

I have never felt like "it's okay" to have a mental illness. I talked earlier about the stigma issue; it causes stress and worry and fear; I've become almost agoraphobic, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't wish bipolar disorder, or any mental illness for that matter, on anyone. It takes a big emotional toll and in my case, my self-esteem sure is in the proverbial crapper.

But I am feeling calm and settled at this moment, so perhaps I can reflect on some good changes in my life brought about by the bipolar disorder. First, as I mentioned previously, it strengthened, it cemented my marriage. Second, I have become extremely compassionate and caring towards those suffering from mental illness like myself. Third, I have gained a deep wisdom about living -- and what's really important versus what is not. I'd wager a guess most people with a disability are quite wise in this regard as well.

In my talk therapy we are spending a great deal of time on this concept of "being okay" with who I am right now. We also discuss ditching the shame and feeling good about myself and my capabilities. I've been pushing myself hard lately to make needed behavioral changes, and that probably contributed to the hypomania emergence. I need to slow down. We all know Rome wasn't built in a day.

What I really want back is my sense of humor. I miss it. I brood a lot, ruminate a lot now. If my mood elevates, I start to obsess on something(s) and that's not good. Good news is my wonderful husband works hard to make me laugh. I'm lucky there. Hopefully soon I can return the favor.

Well folks, this is about as far as I can go tonight. Took my slew of pills earlier and deep slumber awaits me. Hoping I won't wake up at 3:00 a.m. again. Let's keep our fingers crossed.

An Interruption To Our Previously Scheduled Programming

Up, up and away!

Well hello there all. As you can see, I have not posted in quite awhile. Here I had promised to delve into some quite meaty tales about life in the loony bin and suddenly I stopped, leaving folks hanging. This seems to happen quite a bit when I try to relay information about my mental illness. I get writer's block, things get painful, I get upset. I just freeze up and can't go onward. My deepest apologies.

It has always been my dream to write a book about having bipolar disorder. I know I can write well, I know I am gifted with words, and I used to write prolifically before I first got sick and diagnosed in 2002. But things have changed and my thoughts get muddled -- plus I get bogged down in confusion and fear and embarrassment. Out the window goes my dream and I am left with overwhelming sadness. Yet I do tell myself I must never give up trying.

But my writer's block as it pertains to my mental illness discussion has been lifted today. Suddenly here I am, filled with ideas and the words are flowing out. Now, this may not be a cause for celebration. What's happening is Spring has come to our little corner of the world, and up, up, up goes my mood. I awoke at 3:00 a.m. this morning filled with ideas about things to do and say. Who cares what time it is, I think. I must get all of this out now before the window slams shut!

But wait.

Here's the pattern we have learned so well: I call this "mood escalation." Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloon. The experts call it hypomania. Over-energized, obsessive in my thinking, perhaps thinking about spending lots of money, or having wild sex. It is one step away from mania, which for me is tied to psychosis and an inevitable trip to the nuthouse. So now if I get hypomania -- just a whiff of it -- we pack on extra mood stabilizing medication. And it's back to the oh-so-evil mental tar pit I go.

My husband joined me yesterday to see my psychiatrist, who took one look in my eyes and declared me hypomanic. He increased my medication immediately, told me to take today off of work, and rest all weekend. I started the new dose last night and figured I'd be conked out today -- but no, I am not. Here I am wide awake, worried I might get fired, scared about getting hospitalized again, craving alcohol (a huge no-no for me) and wondering if the grocery store is open at this hour, and feeling very upset and worried.

I haven't woken my husband up yet. Do I ask him to stay home from work? Should I give him all my wedding rings and other jewelry so I don't give them away to some stranger like I did once before? Should he take the car keys away in case I try to drive up to Canada, like I did once before? This is the time when I still have my wits about me but I'm frozen from all of those horrible memories of what happened to me when I quickly escalated -- in a blink of an eye -- into psychotic mania. This is the time that I must fully come to grips with the cold, hard truth that I have a mental illness. And a serious one at that. This is the time that I am just plain scared.

***

I have made my coffee and swallowed an extra anti-anxiety med and another 500 mg. of my mood stabilizer on top of the increase my psychiatrist made. I don't want to take any chances. I want to put myself in a very deep sleep, in bed where I know I will be safe and out of trouble. I need to send an email to my boss -- even though my husband will call in for me today -- explaining myself, explaining my temporary setback, telling him he can still rely on me and I am a good worker...or do I? Why am I so ashamed and scared of what people think of me? Why do I feel so abnormal, so less-than, so unworthy? I'm in talk therapy working on all of this. But it doesn't seem to help.

I don't feel well right now. I'm getting tired. I'll write more later.