All's Calm On The Western Front

Well, my tummy is full right now, after eating a lovely dinner I cooked for my husband and myself. After signing off in my last post, I went straight to bed and crashed out cold for 4 hours. Woke up, had a massage, did some grocery shopping, and prepared dinner. My husband bought a "sweet treat" for me to have tonight. I'm sipping hot tea and feeling quite stable. Perhaps we have indeed nipped this mood escalation in the bud.

 I saw this "quote" on my Facebook News Feed tonight and it intrigued me. I'm right there with my life not going as planned. It's the "and that's okay" which gives me pause.

I have never felt like "it's okay" to have a mental illness. I talked earlier about the stigma issue; it causes stress and worry and fear; I've become almost agoraphobic, blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't wish bipolar disorder, or any mental illness for that matter, on anyone. It takes a big emotional toll and in my case, my self-esteem sure is in the proverbial crapper.

But I am feeling calm and settled at this moment, so perhaps I can reflect on some good changes in my life brought about by the bipolar disorder. First, as I mentioned previously, it strengthened, it cemented my marriage. Second, I have become extremely compassionate and caring towards those suffering from mental illness like myself. Third, I have gained a deep wisdom about living -- and what's really important versus what is not. I'd wager a guess most people with a disability are quite wise in this regard as well.

In my talk therapy we are spending a great deal of time on this concept of "being okay" with who I am right now. We also discuss ditching the shame and feeling good about myself and my capabilities. I've been pushing myself hard lately to make needed behavioral changes, and that probably contributed to the hypomania emergence. I need to slow down. We all know Rome wasn't built in a day.

What I really want back is my sense of humor. I miss it. I brood a lot, ruminate a lot now. If my mood elevates, I start to obsess on something(s) and that's not good. Good news is my wonderful husband works hard to make me laugh. I'm lucky there. Hopefully soon I can return the favor.

Well folks, this is about as far as I can go tonight. Took my slew of pills earlier and deep slumber awaits me. Hoping I won't wake up at 3:00 a.m. again. Let's keep our fingers crossed.