Boredom...

Lately I have started to feel bored with my daily routine; wondering what am I doing with my life, maybe I should be doing more. My week is fairly simple: Tuesday and Friday mornings I have water exercise with Mom; Thursday morning I have tai chi followed by talk therapy and a massage.   Mondays and Wednesdays are free. I do my cooking every afternoon for the evening meal. Weekends I cook brunch and dinner.

I am left feeling I should be doing more--more housework, maybe a volunteer job, something, anything. Instead I spend hours scrolling through Facebook on my iPad. Granted, it calms me, keeps me stable. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm addicted to Facebook--it is just something to occupy the time in between my activities.

My husband is encouraging me to read more, but as I indicated in an earlier post I have great difficulty reading books. I stopped listening to audiobooks I'm not sure why. I think I am in a funk. Spring is on the horizon and that means clean up...something I struggle with. But I am committed this year to clean up the outside of the house. Bagging leaves, cleaning up the porch. I get tired easily but I am going to push through.

I suppose I should be grateful that I don't have to work and my husband takes care of us with his investment income. But lately I have been bored. I need more activities. Maybe it is a good sign that I am bored, maybe this will push me to expand my horizons. We'll see what happens. I want change!

Setting Goals: High School Reunion

A big goal I have set for myself this year is going to my 35th High School reunion. I have stayed away from reunions in the past, either sick or too overwhelmed and ashamed of my mental illness. But this year I am feeling good and somewhat confident enough to gather with my classmates for the festivities.

The reunion is at the end of April, so I have some time yet to prepare. I went to an all-girls school with 45 in my class; probably about 25 or so will come. We have a photograph taken on Friday then a brunch at one of my classmate's house on Saturday. I have made arrangements to go to the Friday activity with a classmate I trust, because I am very nervous about going back to the school, the Columbus School for Girls.

Part of the reason this is so hard for me is I am so very different from the Missy that my classmates know from high school. I used to be very outgoing and confident, high energy, creative, such a zest for life. Today I am very introverted, very flat, I don't talk much. My meds are responsible for some of this, but also I have been hospitalized so many times that I have been impacted negatively. I am, however, hoping that as I have more time stable under Dr. Levy's care my self confidence will build.

Another thing that will be hard is I am going through the weekend completely sober. The photo session on Friday is accompanied by a cocktail party and that will be challenging. Then there may be some classmates who want to go out and celebrate and I have to say no to that. But I talked to my mom and she will be available by phone to talk me through tough spots and my husband will be at home waiting for me with open arms.

I guess I need to not overthink this reunion. Just go and have a good time. Find out what classmates are doing. I'm nervous but I've got my therapy sessions to talk it through and my mom to listen when I call. It's going to be okay. I might even have fun!

Pot and Bipolar

I found myself really tested last week when a friend offered to buy me pot to help me laugh more. I do so hate being flat from the Risperdol and God knows I smoked a lot of weed over the past years, trying to combat the side effects of my meds.

But two years ago my husband and I gave up pot and alcohol--we now are completely sober and I have been episode-free and out of the hospital. I know in my heart of hearts that as a bipolar type 1 with psychotic features pot in particular is just not good for me. I have to give it up.

I'm sad about this, kinda angry at times, and I even found myself agreeing with my friend that I did need pot, before coming to my senses and telling her no, don't get it for me. I did some research on Google and found quite a few bipolars use weed, so I'm not alone in wanting it. But as an alcoholic in recovery, I have no business doing mood-altering substances. Period.

I also have two times I remember where I was smoking a lot of pot and went psychotic. Bad psychosis. No, all the evidence is there that pot is a no-go for me. I have to be honest that I am very envious of those who can use weed safely. I wish it was like that for me. I am hoping that the more time I have sober I will not miss it as much. I am hoping that I will learn to laugh naturally. Will this come in time?

Now I believe if my Risperdol is lowered I will become more animated again. I'm still at 4 mg/day and Dr. Levy is conservative and holding me here for the time being. I want to get down to 2 mg but I know from past experience not to tinker with my meds. I must follow instructions and be patient. It's so hard. Dr. Levy would never approve of me smoking pot, and might refuse to treat me if I did. I cannot risk losing him as my psychiatrist, he's the best in Columbus. No, no pot for me.

So I will move forward in my sobriety, day by day. It's nice having a clear head. I have my daily activities and cooking to enjoy. This is a new me. I am maturing. We'll see where I end up. At peace, I hope. I hope.