Pot and Bipolar

I found myself really tested last week when a friend offered to buy me pot to help me laugh more. I do so hate being flat from the Risperdol and God knows I smoked a lot of weed over the past years, trying to combat the side effects of my meds.

But two years ago my husband and I gave up pot and alcohol--we now are completely sober and I have been episode-free and out of the hospital. I know in my heart of hearts that as a bipolar type 1 with psychotic features pot in particular is just not good for me. I have to give it up.

I'm sad about this, kinda angry at times, and I even found myself agreeing with my friend that I did need pot, before coming to my senses and telling her no, don't get it for me. I did some research on Google and found quite a few bipolars use weed, so I'm not alone in wanting it. But as an alcoholic in recovery, I have no business doing mood-altering substances. Period.

I also have two times I remember where I was smoking a lot of pot and went psychotic. Bad psychosis. No, all the evidence is there that pot is a no-go for me. I have to be honest that I am very envious of those who can use weed safely. I wish it was like that for me. I am hoping that the more time I have sober I will not miss it as much. I am hoping that I will learn to laugh naturally. Will this come in time?

Now I believe if my Risperdol is lowered I will become more animated again. I'm still at 4 mg/day and Dr. Levy is conservative and holding me here for the time being. I want to get down to 2 mg but I know from past experience not to tinker with my meds. I must follow instructions and be patient. It's so hard. Dr. Levy would never approve of me smoking pot, and might refuse to treat me if I did. I cannot risk losing him as my psychiatrist, he's the best in Columbus. No, no pot for me.

So I will move forward in my sobriety, day by day. It's nice having a clear head. I have my daily activities and cooking to enjoy. This is a new me. I am maturing. We'll see where I end up. At peace, I hope. I hope.