Monkey Mind

I found another audiobook, a memoir about anxiety called, "Monkey Mind." You know, I think I have to be careful with all this exposure to mental illness literature. Why am I not listening to the other audiobooks I have, "Winesburg, Ohio" or "Lady Chatterly's Lover?" I find I am just getting worked up and triggered and I'm sitting here wondering if I will ever be normal again.

As far as I can understand it, I had that horrible period of three hospitalizations in 2016-2017, and the psychosis that lasted nine months and I am just not the same. I don't know when I am going to pull out of this; and I'm trying to put on a strong front but dear readers, I'm mush inside. I'm an anxious mess, I worry about everything. I never used to be this way I don't think, but then again my memory is toast because of the ECT in 2016 and my meds. Well, it's not completely toast--I'm catastrophizing as most with bad anxiety do.

I've got to make a commitment to myself to seek out gentler, softer reading. It pisses me off that I need to be much more cognizant of potential triggers these days--I berate myself for not being stronger, more centered, more comfortable in my skin. But I'm a wreck. Thank God my mother talked me through a bad period of anxiety this morning. If I can just talk it through, it really helps. Mom understands so well because she has terrible anxiety. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I just want to understand this anxiety, understand my Monkey Mind, and get the tools for bringing it under control. I have several anxiety audiobooks to listen to, if I can handle it. This whole thing is frustrating and overwhelming. I curse the Gods for giving me bipolar and anxiety to handle. It's a lot. Why do I have to be positive? Why do I have to keep fighting? Sigh...it's a tough time right now.