Taking Stock

Well, its January 2019, a new year, and I have been dealing with bipolar disorder and dreaded medication for seventeen years. I cannot believe that much time has elapsed...where did it all go? Much has been learned, mistakes made, wisdom gained. I feel this incredible desire to share my experience with others. I want to help others suffering from mental illness. Is this normal? Should I just keep to myself and live a simple, private life with my husband?

I am remembering back to 2002 when I was first diagnosed and I found the support group in Columbus "Bipolar Bears." It met on Wednesday nights at 7:00 pm at a church in downtown Columbus. I loved the group and made many new friends. It was there I learned about federal disability benefits and how to apply. We discussed meds we were on, and exchanged horror stories about loony bins. Unfortunately, Bipolar Bears was not to survive. I left the group and lost track of it, but I know it's disbanded now.

Today, I get my group support from a Smith College mental health Facebook support group called "Semicolon Smith." It is a closed group of Smith College alums (and those who have gone to Smith) who are dealing with mental illness. I put up posts of things that are challenging me, and readers respond with uplifting comments. I believe the group was established in 2016. I know I became a regular poster all throughout 2018, and actively support people putting up posts of their own. Now, I do not believe this online support is as good as the face to face group support I got from the Bipolar Bears. But it is better than nothing.

 I firmly believe that my stability today is rooted in the following:

1. Taking all meds, as prescribed, at nighttime and getting 9-10 hours of sleep

2. Seeing psychiatrist at least once a month, sometimes more frequently

3. Seeing talk therapist once a week for 90 minute session

4. Having rituals which include coffee in the morning. Quiet time waking up. No stress.

5. Support group Semicolon Smith where I can connect with others who have bipolar disorder

6. Water exercise at the YMCA. One hour class twice a week.

7. Cooking! My passion, my love. Every night I cook dinner for my husband and me. This has held solid through the entire span of my illness. It is my anchor. My pride and joy. I draw my self esteem from it. It keeps me sane.

8. Writing. I also get a lot of self esteem from my ability to write, to craft beautiful sentences with ease. But this talent has not been reliable. I have had many writer's blocks. The meds interfere. I will just keep pushing through. I may pursue a writer's workshop this year. Maybe. I am going to try and write more regularly here.

9. Close girlfriends. I have two pals from High School that I see regularly, and I am branching out with another. I hope to widen my circle. Female companionship is so, so important; and also they don't have mental illness so we can talk about something else besides it.

10. My mother! God, I'm so glad she's here in Columbus. I talk to her every day, sometimes multiple times a day; we do water exercise together, we enjoy dinners out and music performances. She is my confidant.

11. And last but not least, my husband Michael. He has loyally stood by me the whole way. I tear up when I think about all we have been through. What awaits us in the future? I guess I will just keep on moving forward, day by day. Thank you Michael, for your love, your support. I treasure you. Always.

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This is a lot of writing today. I'm thrilled! I will keep on practicing. Slowly, patiently. I see Dr. Levy tomorrow and I will report that I am seeing progress. Part of me does feel greedy and wants the Risperdol reduced further, from 4 mg down to 3 mg. Yet deep down I know the likelihood of that happening is very remote. Well, I shall just rejoice that I got this writing done today. I'm proud of myself. More to come!