Growing Up

There has been a dramatic shift in how I’m now interacting with my 83 year old mother. I realized a few weeks ago that I can no longer use her as a dumping ground for my anxiety attacks; she just doesn’t have the energy to walk me through my fear anymore, she doesn’t want the anxiety I cause her weighing on her anymore. I told Fetter last week I have no choice but to grow up, and quickly. He gave me his copy of the classic 1970s book, “I’m OK, You’re OK” which I’m going to read to learn how to parent myself. God knows this was coming, I’m 57 years old, and I’ve had 6 years contending with anxiety substances free. I’m in AA, I’m on Gabapentin, I have an excellent talk therapist, I’ve got the supports to muddle my way through. It’s time to let go of mom, and indeed I need to prepare for caretaking her now.

I’m scared though, in a way, worried again that I’m alone, that I don’t have the strength to manage my affairs. I know my husband is here, yet I don’t trust that we are safe; I had terrible nightmares last night that we were victims of crime and I awoke, heart pounding, upset, swearing I wouldn’t watch the news anymore. Got my morning dose of Gabapentin in my system and now I’m feeling somewhat better, and wondering if I just had something to occupy my time, like a volunteer job, maybe I might feel less stressed…but then again probably not.

It’s cooler this morning, signaling Fall is coming, and I’m relieved I made it through another uncomfortable summer. I’ve got plans to meet friends for dinner this month, I’m even going to a concert! Peter Gabriel, I’m thrilled to go hear songs from my youth, but I’ll be careful to watch out for getting overstimulated and if it gets to be too much I’ll leave early. I’m relieved that I’m going to this show completely sober and stable, no mania making me act inappropriate. I know my cohorts will be in their cups, but no, not me. 

I guess I’m ok with my medication, still feeling a little muddled and blunted from the antipsychotic but I’m tired of pushing for reductions Dr. Levy doesn’t want to give. Oh well, just stay the course Melissa, enjoy this stability even though you’re sedentary. I can read, I can write, my memory isn’t too good but I can live with it. I’m cooking, that gives me incredible pleasure. Things could be better, but things could be much worse, so I’ll accept where I am as the way things were absolutely meant to be.

OK, that’s it for now. Just call me someone going through growing pains. Yeah, I guess that fits.