A Reunion Weekend

So I just had my 40th high school reunion, I attended most of the activities, a true accomplishment considering in years past I was crippled with so much anxiety that I couldn’t budge from my recliner. This time I felt comfortable and relaxed, I’m not sure whether I credit the increase in the Gabapentin or the ART therapy sessions but whatever, I breezed through the weekend. 

We had a cocktail party and food at an event space Friday night; a brunch at Lindey’s Saturday at noon; and a dinner at Katie’s house Saturday night. The only thing I didn’t like were lots of pictures were taken and my weight gain is glaringly apparent—I’m driven to try and embark again on a diet to drop another 30  lbs. The only thing holding me back is that knowledge that each and every time I have tried to lose weight I ended up destabilizing and ultimately hospitalized. I don’t know why this has been the case, no one will tell me. Does anyone know? Probably not.

But weight aside, it was great reconnecting with old friends, talking about old times and catching up on what was going on with everyone today. I didn’t feel any pressure to be some gung ho career woman, instead I felt at ease with my life I have today as a housewife and someone who spends the majority of their time managing their mental health. I talked about my journey with a few people, but most already know my story from listening to the podcast I did during the pandemic detailing my dual diagnosis of alcoholism and bipolar disorder.

All in all, it was a great weekend. I’m tired, here on this Monday morning. I’m gonna try to do some laundry today, get the sheets changed, and winter clothes put away now that warmer temps are here. It’s very hard doing chores, I don’t know if that’s my meds or a sign that I may perhaps have a more serious situation like schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type? I tried Googling that and the available information is confusing. I’m going to ask Dr. Levy for clarification, perhaps he knows what my correct diagnosis is.

Ok, that’s it for now, gonna motivate and get some things done. Life is good right now. Later!

Writing Prompt: Total Eclipse of the Sun (One Minute, 54 Seconds)

 Prompt: Write about the solar eclipse on April 8, 2024.

One Minute, 54 Seconds

“We cannot miss this,” my husband had been telling me for months, “It’s gonna be wild.” He was speaking about the solar eclipse coming to Ohio, and his excitement about it was palpable. He had ordered those safety eclipse viewing glasses way in advance, kept speaking about “the path of totality” and how we would probably have to drive up north and pitch a tent on some farm in the middle of nowhere to get optimal viewing. I shuddered at the thought.

But as the days drew closer to April 8, I found myself taking more of an interest in this event that was to unfold. My niece up in Sunbury, Ohio, a small town about 30 minutes from us, let us know that her town was in the path of totality for two minutes, and invited us up to her home to watch the eclipse with her family. The nightly news shows were stoking the excitement, talking about loads of people traveling to our state to witness this spectacle. Would the weather cooperate for optimal viewing? Who knew?

We woke up early on the sunny day of the eclipse, and my husband went to Buckeye Doughnuts to buy a boxful for everyone up at my niece’s place. We loaded our camping chairs and Basset Hound Lily into the car and hopped on I-71 north for the relatively easy drive to Sunbury. Down a winding country road we went to her house, tucked back from the road with a trampoline for the kids out front, and a 1/2 acre grassy backyard enclosed by faded white fencing. It was 11:00 am when we arrived, my husband had insisted we arrive early, and we certainly had time to kill before the total solar eclipse at 3:12 pm.

We had a gorgeous day for an eclipse, with blue skies and only thin, wispy clouds in the sky. Around 2:00 pm, my husband set our two camping chairs up in the backyard, and we donned our eclipse glasses and cautiously looked up at the sun. It looked like a very small, dark orange orb, maybe a 1/2 inch in diameter, maybe smaller. Much smaller than I expected it to be. The moon was starting to eclipse it, casting black darkness across the orange orb.

I remember initially feeling very uneasy looking up at sun, even though I was protected by the dark eclipse glasses. I was doing something I never, ever do, and I was fearful of harming my eyes in some way. I kept looking back down, removing the glasses, and checking to see that my eyesight was ok. It was. As we approached 3:00 pm, the temps, which had been in the low 70s, started to slowly drop. I quickly ran inside to retrieve my long-sleeve shirt, then rejoined my husband outside. We were alone in the backyard with Lily and my niece’s dog Gus, who were both starting to bark. My niece and her family were in the front of the house.

At 3:06 pm, my husband started a video on his iPhone, recording us talking about what we were experiencing, above the clatter of two dogs barking in the background. It was really starting to get dark, and much colder, and the eclipse of the orange orb was almost complete. When we hit 3:12 pm, you can hear me asking my husband tentatively if it’s safe for me to remove my glasses and look up, there’s a little fear in my voice, and he says yes, but we only have 1 minute, 54 seconds of safe viewing.

Then I say, “Wow. Wow! It’s crazy!” before the recording stops. 

I can only describe it as a surreal sight of a black orb in the sky surrounded by a white, eerie halo of light. We had a 360 degree view of a dark sunset, with two barking dogs running around. I was ever-cautious of the time, and kept looking back and forth from the sky to my iPhone in my lap. Everything felt, well, beautiful, unique, awesome? I felt like I was experiencing something profound I might never experience again; suddenly I felt the weight of my age, and gratitude that I was with my husband, experiencing this together. In a backyard in Sunbury, Ohio, with a farm behind us, and little kids bouncing on a trampoline and squealing in the distance.

We only had 1 minute, 54 seconds of viewing a total solar eclipse with the naked eye, and although brief, the sight is etched in my memory forever. Already my husband is planning on somehow getting us to Egypt in 2027 to see 7 minutes of totality out in the sandy dunes, I’m wondering if we can indeed make it there. I guess that’s the thing with being lucky to see a total solar eclipse, you immediately want to see another one…(to be continued)

Back on Track!

 Yay, so I’m back to taking my anxiety medication as prescribed, and I’ve been successfully going to bed by 10:30 every night, waking up between 8-9 am. And guess what, I’ve even pried myself out of the recliner before lunch and gotten dressed and gone for a walk! I promised Dr. Levy and Matt that I would commit to moving in the morning, and here I am keeping true to my word. I’m so, so proud of myself!

Next up is to spend my early afternoons straightening up the house and yes, doing some cleaning too. I’m remembering it’s baby steps, but I’ve got Matt encouraging me, and mom and Michael too. I’m taking responsibility for breaking this inertia that has plagued me for 7 years. I’m not sure what is responsible for this change, maybe it’s new therapist Matt and the ART sessions, maybe my med cocktail is finally correct? Who knows, maybe it’s me saying enough is enough, kinda like I hit a rock bottom and couldn’t take the pain anymore.

I just keep thinking back to that conversation with friend Alison months ago when she asked me, “What do you do all day?” And I was at a loss for words, feeling a great sense of shame, knowing that I wasn’t really doing much of anything. Sure, my meds suck, and hinder me a great deal. But I am a fighter, a survivor, and I’m going to push through this sedentary shit and just do something!

So I’ve done my morning walk, next up is brunch and then my writing group at 1:00. Then a walk again with Lily, and for dinner I’m making Chicken Shwarma with yogurt sauce. The sun is out today, it’s spring but still a little cool outside. In two days is the Solar Eclipse, we are going to niece Alexa’s house to see it. I’m stable, sane, I’m grateful for that. 

That’s all for today. One foot in front of the other. I got this!

Writing Prompt: Why Do You Write?

 Prompt: Why do you write?

Why Do You Write?

I write for several reasons. I guess the first is it soothes me, makes me feel good to get things down on paper, in a somewhat orderly manner. Words tend to flow out of me in a loose, easy way most of the time. Is that a gift? I’m not sure, but I like seeing them string together on the page, filling up paragraphs. As I write, any tension I might be feeling slowly slips away, and I relax into my expression. I always feel better after a writing session, perhaps that comes from all the years I have spent journaling my feelings.

I write because sometimes I’m struggling, and I’m drawn to vomit out my angst on the page, and the purge brings blessed relief. I’m not sure why it works, it just does, I guess it’s kinda like praying and the relief it can bring. I’ll start a passage in a terrible mood, but when I’m done, things have shifted and I’m seeing possibilities that weren’t there at first. It’s a peeling of the onion, so to speak, as I move from darkness into light.

Sometimes I write to entertain, I seek out an audience like I’m a performer on a stage. I try to choose words that will entice, maybe cast a spell, perhaps cause discomfort or rather elicit some sort of emotional reaction from the reader or listener. I had a lot of experience acting in high school, always getting the lead in the school plays. This desire to perform carries over into my writing, and I love reading what I write to an audience, placing emphasis here and there. 

Some writing I do with an eye on perhaps publishing, so it’s this idea of writing giving me a purpose in life. I did once make a career out of writing, working as a newspaper reporter long ago. I’ve shared with some of you that I’ve always wanted to publish a memoir about my bipolar disorder called, “Bipolar Bared” but my husband is pushing me to pursue the loftier goal of writing a screenplay about my bipolar life. All of this is to say that writing can be a profession, and something I might embrace again.

Finally, having suffered through some med-induced writer’s blocks that have lasted multiple years, I write now because I know it’s a precious gift, not to be taken lightly, something to be really treasured. It’s extremely painful and frustrating when you want to write yet nothing comes forth. So I write because I can, I write because I’m compelled, I write to be complete. 

I have to remind myself that not everyone writes, they don’t hear the siren song I do, calling them to put pen to paper. I’m grateful for this writers’ circle we have made, where I’ve found others who hear that writerly siren song. Why write? Why not write!

And Then I Start Tinkering…Why?!

 Ok, so perhaps things were going so well that I thought I should take matters in my own hands and start tinkering around the edges with my Gabapentin. Oh why reader(s), why do I do this time and time again, expecting different results? I just got through an emotional phone call with mom, crying because I was so afraid of an unknown future filled with terrifying images of being broke and alone. Yes, we are back to this again, after I started shaving back the Gabapentin.

I’m also staying up way too late at night reading, and sleeping in til 10 a.m., thus throwing off my Gabapentin dosing schedule. I’m a mess, why should I be surprised, Melissa can you please stop messing with Dr. Levy’s instructions and be an adult and set an alarm to wake you up like everyone else does?

The first order of business is to resume the Gabapentin dosage amount as prescribed, between 8-9 am every morning. Next, I alerted Michael to help me get to bed at 10:00 p.m. every night, help me put down the book I’m reading and head up to bed at the appropriate time. That way I can wake up early and take my Gabapentin at the appropriate time. I need to take back some semblance of control over my schedule, instead of just abandoning any effort to keep to a routine. I want to be the best that I can be, and I have to work at it.

So this here is a note to myself to stop with the tinkering once and for all, and to grow up and start taking responsibility for my routine. Start adulting, Melissa. Please.