Ever since waking up I’ve been contending with horrible fear about being alone and unable to cope. I feel helpless, with no one to call on. I’m trying to remember Sponsor Shawn’s lesson of write the facts underneath the fear. So here goes:
Fear: In the future, I am alone and unable to manage.
Facts: TODAY I am NOT alone. I have my husband and mother, brother and sister, nieces and nephews, friends both in and out of AA. Dr. Levy, therapist Matt, Dr. Larrimer. There are others I can call on. I can manage! I am intelligent. I am resourceful. I know how to research, I know how to communicate. I am not helpless. I am a survivor.
If I get back to the present moment, back to today, I can get a toehold and feel stronger and more capable and resilient. I must remember in the early morning my cortisol levels are high and the anxiety is spiked. I just took my morning Gabapentin and that will kick in and then I will really feel relief. I don’t like it that I’m reliant on so much medication but I’m not going to fret about that right now.
I think a key for me is to become more self-sufficient. I’m extremely dependent on my husband and my mother. But mom is already starting to push me out on my own; she’s starting to ghost my texts, and is showing less and less compassion when I come to her with fears. Maybe she’s sick of me, or I’ve just worn her out. Anxiety is exhausting. She is putting up boundaries. I must respect them.
Ok, postscript, I just had an hour long conversation with mom and now I’m feeling so much better. Yup, I’m dependent on mom, need to do something about that. Oh well, something to tackle tomorrow.
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