Therapy Assignment: FEAR? Face or Flee?

FEAR?  Face or Flee?

The assignment is write a short piece telling anxiety, fear and worry to fuck off. I find I can utter these words out loud but do I really mean it? Lord, am I ready to throw off this incredible beast of anxiety holding me down; gripping my neck tight and throttling me within an inch of my life. All I do is worry and panic, getting frightened so easily by the smallest things. 

The current stressor du jour is that my endocrinologist of 25 years announced he is retiring, and I’m panicking that I won’t find a suitable replacement for him. I’ve been in an ongoing state of high anxiety for a week, requesting the addition of some new medication to give me relief. Dr. Levy turned that down, believing the stress will resolve in time, and that I have the fortitude to weather this storm.

I’m already on a large dose of anxiety medication, Gabapentin, which helps some but doesn’t protect me from anxiety breakthroughs. So I’m out here floundering, dealing with a tightened stomach, rapid heartbeat at times, and obsessive thoughts of fearful scenarios that swirl around in my head. All of this absolutely exhausts me, and keeps me trapped in my recliner most of the time. I need to break free of this. I can’t stand it anymore!

I’ve temporarily halted all my exercise, the weather outside is too oppressive for walking, and my thoughts are too disorganized and chaotic for me to operate a motor vehicle and drive all the way to the pool. My therapist Matt is going to challenge me, and give me a hard time for being cloistered inside and sedate. I don’t have the strength to argue with him. I’ll just say I’ll try to get back to my routine on Thursday, when the weather is better.

The worst thing I’m dealing with is a tightening of my mid section, my stomach area; it’s in a knot that won’t unwind. I’m thinking an Ativan or hit of weed would settle things right down, but no, that’s not for me anymore. Shawn says pray and the anxiety will go away. I don’t believe him, so I don’t pray. I’ve asked others to pray for me though, which they kindly have agreed to do.

Now back to my original assignment, telling this anxiety and fear monster to fuck off. I need to summon up some self esteem and a backbone to do that. Some self confidence to stand up and really challenge my central nervous system to get back in line so I can relax like I want to. 

I guess I took the easy way out and instead did an easy 4 minute session of Box Breathing on Insight Timer, followed by some 4-7-8 breathing exercises designed to help you release tension and find calm, in the face of an anxiety attack. Honestly this helped some, but the tension is still there. Will it always be?

I think I’ll compose a Haiku about my inability to architect a brutal response to anxiety. Did I fail this assignment? Maybe Matt will grant me some leniency.

FLIGHT NOT FIGHT

Feet far from the ground

Anxiety won this round

No fucks to be found