Challenges

 Hello again, dear reader(s). After a nice long run of fairly pleasant mornings, it’s back again to the early morning (4:00 am) wake ups, tossing and turning in bed until I arise around 8; then being gripped by worry and fear from around 8:00 am until 10:00 am. I’m on rinse and repeat, which exhausts me. 

I keep wanting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why this is happening to me. But my therapist tells me that’s a complete waste of time, and to just get myself the hell out of my chair and get out and get walking, to break the anxiety train in half. I have been forcing myself to do ten minute morning walks and I have to say that it’s helping!

Honestly readers, I’m getting mighty tired of complaining to others about my anxiety disorder. I just want to quietly work to manage this beast with the tools I’m getting in therapy, and keep to myself when I have the anxiety attacks. I’ve been using my elderly mother as my sounding board for too damn long. I need to remember that the anxiety is only bad on certain mornings, and only for a two hour window. Then it fades as my medication kicks in. I can get through this.

My other challenge, the bipolar with psychotic features disorder, is actually well under control and has been for a good long while. My medicine cocktail of Depakote (a mood stabilizer) plus Risperdal (an antipsychotic) has worked beautifully to keep my moods regulated and ensure I don’t experience manic psychosis. This means I’ve stayed out of the psych ward, and what a blessed relief that is! 

Now, all is not totally peachy keen, as my meds have some very challenging side effects, including cognitive impairment, memory loss, weight gain, hair loss, and fatigue and sedation. But as I said earlier, I’m getting kinda tired of complaining about my situation, and instead I’m kinda tempted to just quietly accept things as they are. “Acceptance is the answer” from AA seems fitting when thinking about my meds.

I’m much more than my mental health conditions, and I’d like to move forward out of the worry and fear and into enriching activities to fill up my days. I do have my water exercise classes, my cooking projects, and my gatherings with friends and family. I’m trying to identify a volunteer opportunity that I might like. I’m looking into planning a trip to the Hocking Hills with my husband and hound dog. Keeping myself occupied is important; it helps me to overcome challenges. 

Well, that’s all for today, thanks for tuning in, always remember to let whatever you do today be enough. Easy does it, and all that. Catch ya later!

Writing Prompt: I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

 Prompt: Feeling out of sorts? Write about not feeling like yourself.

I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

When you have to deal with bipolar disorder, and add to that contend with a wonky thyroid gland, it’s been my experience that you go through many, many days not feeling like you’re supposed to. I went through a three month stretch this past winter of feeling completely overwhelmed with anxiety, caused by doctors making changes to my thyroid medication dose. It was awful, and I wore down my support people with all my angst and complaining. Thank God I’m finally adjusted to my medication.

When my bipolar medication isn’t at the correct dose, or I’ve embarked on strange diets that alter my metabolism which in turn affects my bipolar meds, I can quickly escalate into psychotic mania. I lose touch with reality, and I definitely start behaving in ways that are not like my normal self. 

I get grandiose, believing I’m a superstar or a prophet, with special abilities and talents. I throw random things away in the trash, believing I need to send “messages” to the City. I can go on spending sprees, buying bizarre items that when I return to sanity, I end up not liking and wanting to get rid of because it’s painful to look at them.

In a way, my manias traumatize me, because I do things and say things (like wander downtown, talking out loud to myself) that later cause me deep embarrassment when I think about them. I know it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel so ashamed but I can’t help it. Losing my mind is not something I’m proud to admit.

Writing Prompt: Cheap Sunglasses

 Prompt: Write about something you got for free.

Cheap Sunglasses 

In the ‘80s there was this store in the mall called, “Sunglass Hut.” They sold all manner of cheap sunglasses, a much bigger selection than what you could find at the neighborhood drug store. I didn’t frequent the Sunglass Hut, as I was saving my pennies for a pair of Wayfayer Raybans like Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business (are you guys too young to remember that movie?). The Sunglass Hut didn’t sell Raybans. That wasn’t their groove.

Fast forward to today, and to the collection of cheap sunglasses, some broken, my husband has on display on top of the brick wall that runs in front of our house. He’s collected these glasses on walks throughout German Village, most if not all of the glasses lost in the environs of Schmidt’s Sausage House, which is a stone’s throw from our abode.

Michael has carefully aligned the sunglasses on the wall, thinking that perhaps someone will come looking for their missing pair. But alas, nobody does. I chuckled when I saw a pair of blue swim goggles had joined the collection, I guess they can be considered an eye covering like sunglasses, and what the heck, they add an eclectic touch to the already eccentric flair of our home. 

I guess that’s the draw of cheap sunglasses, you lose a pair and they can be easily replaced. Me, I can’t wear these types of glasses because my eyes need prescription lenses. I have to drop a small fortune on eyewear, so I currently just have one pair of glasses with transitions lenses built into them, so they can double as sunglasses when I’m outside in the sun. But I do feel like I’m missing out on all the fun of buying plastic frames at CVS. 

If you can wear cheap sunglasses and you’re looking for a freebie, swing by our place and take a look at what we have on display. These sunglasses here need a new home. And could you use some swim goggles? Hurry, before they’re gone!

Writing Prompt: Non-negotiables

 Prompt: What do you NOT want to change about your life?

Non-negotiables

It seems we are always talking about things we want to change in our lives, what one needs to implement to better oneself. I don’t know about you but I never seem to just be content with the way things are in my life. So this week’s prompt is intriguing, what do I not want to change in my life, and what characteristics about myself have I accepted as desirable and worthy of keeping? 

I took the opportunity to talk to Shawn and my mom about this prompt before I started writing, just to see if they had any ideas for me. Their feedback was interesting and helpful. I loved how Shawn told me I’m someone who doesn’t want to change their priorities of maintaining good mental health and a solid, strong marriage. I call these two things non-negotiable. Let me elaborate on that a bit.

I went through an extremely tumultuous 15 year period between diagnosis of my bipolar disorder and ultimately hitting rock bottom with alcohol and weed use. There were numerous hospitalizations and my marriage almost broke up. Eight years ago I said enough was enough and embraced a new way of living.

Today I prioritize my mental health treatment plan and complete sobriety right up there with the health of my 24 year marriage. I am religiously med compliant, I work on coping skills in my weekly talk therapy sessions. As far as my marriage goes, I strive to be open and honest with my husband, and to never go to bed angry. I’m working on not trying to manipulate and control. We keep communication open, and work to diffuse conflicts. We still have rough patches though, just like everyone else. But we are committed to weathering the storms.

As far as characteristics about myself I don’t want to change, my mom helped me identify a few things. First of all, as I’ve matured in sobriety, I’ve become a very good listener. People open up to me and share what’s troubling them. Often I can provide helpful feedback. As I’ve evolved from extrovert to slightly more introverted, this listening role has taken on more prominence in my life. I think it shows wisdom, and an ability to move beyond self-centeredness. What do you think?

The other thing I wouldn’t want to change is I’m a survivor. I’ve been to hell and back and refused to give up. When you’re hit with the kind of diagnoses I have, the alcoholism and addiction, the bipolar disorder, and the anxiety disorder, things can get mighty overwhelming and dark unless you get a grip on treatment. This didn’t happen automatically for me, I had to go through some extremely challenging times. But I hung in there, acquiring knowledge and experience along the way. I’d say I’m in a good place today. Took me long enough to get here, but I made it.

These are just a few things in my life that are important to me and I don’t want to change. I don’t need to change them, actually. They add positive things to my life. Not everything needs to be changed in order for one to be happy. Are we coming back around to acceptance again? Something to ponder!

Concerns

 Good morning. The same things are bothering me: we definitely need a new car. It’s summer time. Will I be inside in this recliner the entire time? What am I going to do about my sedentary nature? My husband wants to travel but I am terrified to leave our town. It’s morning and I’m fearful again. 

I’m a terrible housekeeper and our house is cluttered. I struggle to do chores. I lack motivation and it’s extremely difficult for me to get started on tasks. I blame the medication but no one wants to hear that. I complain to Dr. Levy but he doesn’t change my meds. What am I going to do about this? I guess I must dig deep and summon up some energy, no matter how little, and just do a chore. Like organize a drawer or a cabinet.

I came clean to Matt and said there are basic things like eating enough at breakfast and lunch and showering that I’m not doing enough of. I told him I needed help with these basics, that I’m struggling. Look at me, I sit too much, I’m frightened, I don’t eat enough, I need help getting clean. What in the hell is going on, why do I agree to take these meds? Oh I know why, if I don’t take them I end up manic psychotic and in the hospital. 

How does my husband put up with me? In a chair all day, except to cook dinner. Why have I given up, or is it not giving up, it’s just all I’m capable of doing? I cannot tell which aspects of my disability cannot be overcome, and which can be changed if I just push, push, push. God, I hate summertime, it’s so debilitating for me. 

***

Spent an hour on the phone with mom, venting about my difficulties. Finally peeled back the onion enough to see that I’m just not a morning person, and if I’m in the chair, so be it. I get out of the chair throughout the day and accomplish things. It’s not as horrible as I paint it in the morning. If my biggest concern in life is I’m sedate I don’t have much to complain about.

Here we are getting closer to noon and I’m starting to feel better. More optimistic and not feeling as challenged as I was earlier. I’m going to try and set a goal today of putting away some clothes or maybe cleaning out the cutlery drawer or organizing a pantry cabinet. I can do small chores inside when it’s unpleasant outside. 

God bless mom for putting up with my morning calls! I need to do a better job of shielding her from my angst, which always dissipates as the day goes on. Things are not as bad as I make them out to be! Mom is wearing herself out trying to find answers for me, trying to fix me. I need to give her a break. I must make this a priority.

Ok I’m going to get on with my day. Easy does it. Let whatever you do today be enough.

Writing Prompt: Finding the Good in the Bad

 Prompt: What are some good, positive aspects of our alcoholic behaviors?

Finding the Good in the Bad

It all starts with, “My name is Melissa, and I’m an alcoholic.” Recognizing and confronting my alcoholism and addiction tendencies allows me to pursue a recovery program emphasizing an healthier way of living. I am living, not on the steps of death’s door. It took my addiction’s rock bottom to get me here. I have earned my seat in the AA meeting. I experience great benefit from the AA fellowship around me. Thank goodness I made it here! 

One of my worst alcoholic behaviors is my penchant for lying. But AA constantly teaches me the importance of honesty in my life and in my interactions with others. Subsequently I’m now very aware when I lie, I don’t feel right about it, and I strive to tell the truth when I can. I can say I certainly don’t lie like I used to when I was using substances. So I’ve made improvements in my life. 

My alcoholic desire to numb myself has been replaced by my doing soothing, self care activities like meditation, getting a  massage, and twice a week going to a warm water exercise class. I’ve been successfully able to experience things that feel good but aren’t harmful to me like booze and weed are. 

My alcoholic desire to be the center of attention and run the show has been almost completely tempered in sobriety; it now only comes out for the most part in Melissa’s Kitchen at night. When I’m creating my gourmet eats I run a tight ship, and set very high standards for myself. I don’t really allow my husband to get involved and assist; I like to be in charge of what we eat. Nine times out of ten the end product is outstanding. There’s a reason why we don’t eat out that often.

Perhaps the worst alcoholic behavior I have is my indulgence of self-centered fear, worry and anxiety. In the past, I tried to medicate this anxiety with alcohol and weed. 

Trying to Pull Out of Morning Anxiety Spiral

 So the morning anxiety is back again, I’ve been dealing with it for two days now. Just when I thought I might try a slight taper down of my Gabapentin, this anxiety comes back, wrecking my Serenity. I’m digging through my toolbox of coping mechanisms to get me through this angst. Here’s what I know:

1. Journal. 2. Do CBT handouts Matt gave me. 3. Go for a morning walk (did this yesterday). 4. Limit caffeine consumption. 5. Shawn says pray. (I always hesitate to do this.)

I’m fearful that we have old, unsafe cars. I’m fearful I’m too sedentary and I’m going to die from inactivity. I’m fearful I take too much medication. I’m fearful I’m sleeping my life away. I’m frightened to go on a trip anywhere. 

As the morning progresses, these fears will have less and less of a grip on me. By lunchtime and beyond, I’ll be feeling fine. These fearful mornings really wear me out, however. I hope to journal most of this angst out before making my usual morning call to mom. She is just getting too old to deal with my anxiety venting; I have to stand on my own two feet and deal with things myself.

Fear: I’m over medicated, leading me to sleep too much, etc. Solution: Talk to Dr. Levy in two days. Fact is I’m getting about 9 hours of sleep a night, and that’s the optimum for me. 

Fear: Cars are old and unsafe. Solution: We have money for a new car. Michael says we will get one. I need to just let go and let him shepherd this purchase.

Fear: my sedentary nature is damaging me. Solution: I do get up from my chair. I walk Lily. I go on morning walks and to the pool two days a week. I’m working in the kitchen on dinner almost every night. This also includes doing dishes and cleaning up after we eat. 

Ok, so I kept my morning call to mom brief. I did not angst over my fears. She appreciated me giving her a break. I’m getting dressed soon and going on a 15 minute walk in the neighborhood. I would join my husband on his morning dog walk but he walks too fast; I’m not up to his speed yet. I like to go at my own pace. The important thing is I’m getting moving. My doctors will be pleased.

It’s been about 2 hours since I took my morning Gabapentin dose and I’m feeling relief from the morning fear. I’m beginning to focus on my strong belief that I need to embark on a diet to lose about 30 lbs. I did this once before, through calorie counting and portion control. I feel fat and I can’t stand the way my body looks. I have to be careful and not go overboard, and I think I can do this. 

So right now I’m feeling better than I did earlier. Just need to remember that the fear always passes. It’s a beautiful day to be sane and sober! Onward and upward.