Concerns

 Good morning. The same things are bothering me: we definitely need a new car. It’s summer time. Will I be inside in this recliner the entire time? What am I going to do about my sedentary nature? My husband wants to travel but I am terrified to leave our town. It’s morning and I’m fearful again. 

I’m a terrible housekeeper and our house is cluttered. I struggle to do chores. I lack motivation and it’s extremely difficult for me to get started on tasks. I blame the medication but no one wants to hear that. I complain to Dr. Levy but he doesn’t change my meds. What am I going to do about this? I guess I must dig deep and summon up some energy, no matter how little, and just do a chore. Like organize a drawer or a cabinet.

I came clean to Matt and said there are basic things like eating enough at breakfast and lunch and showering that I’m not doing enough of. I told him I needed help with these basics, that I’m struggling. Look at me, I sit too much, I’m frightened, I don’t eat enough, I need help getting clean. What in the hell is going on, why do I agree to take these meds? Oh I know why, if I don’t take them I end up manic psychotic and in the hospital. 

How does my husband put up with me? In a chair all day, except to cook dinner. Why have I given up, or is it not giving up, it’s just all I’m capable of doing? I cannot tell which aspects of my disability cannot be overcome, and which can be changed if I just push, push, push. God, I hate summertime, it’s so debilitating for me. 

***

Spent an hour on the phone with mom, venting about my difficulties. Finally peeled back the onion enough to see that I’m just not a morning person, and if I’m in the chair, so be it. I get out of the chair throughout the day and accomplish things. It’s not as horrible as I paint it in the morning. If my biggest concern in life is I’m sedate I don’t have much to complain about.

Here we are getting closer to noon and I’m starting to feel better. More optimistic and not feeling as challenged as I was earlier. I’m going to try and set a goal today of putting away some clothes or maybe cleaning out the cutlery drawer or organizing a pantry cabinet. I can do small chores inside when it’s unpleasant outside. 

God bless mom for putting up with my morning calls! I need to do a better job of shielding her from my angst, which always dissipates as the day goes on. Things are not as bad as I make them out to be! Mom is wearing herself out trying to find answers for me, trying to fix me. I need to give her a break. I must make this a priority.

Ok I’m going to get on with my day. Easy does it. Let whatever you do today be enough.