Acceptance

Met with Dr. Levy this past week and he yet again told me I have to put up with my med side effects (cognitive impairment, lack of motivation, sedation and weight gain) in exchange for being stable and sane. My med cocktail is Depakote, Risperdol and Gabapentin, it will not change; I am too high risk for psychotic mania. I asked if I could hold out hope for new medication coming out, but Dr. Levy said even with a new med he would be hesitant to switch me over because of the risk.

Which leads me to acceptance.

Dear readers, I hate my meds' side effects more than you can possibly imagine. My quality of life is greatly impacted. But I thought today, at least I have the use of my limbs, I have my eyesight; things could be a whole helluva lot worse. So maybe I just need to accept my current situation and stop getting so upset over it.

But as you can imagine, that's hard.

I want to be a fighter, keep making demands for a change in meds, but to be honest I'm 52 now and I'm tired. I love my sleep, really treasure it, and I'm blessed to have a low-stress lifestyle, free of a job or responsibilities for children. Things are, well, predictable. My husband is now semi-retired and at home with me, watching over, making sure I am okay. I am able to do my cooking every day. That remains a constant.

But I continue to struggle with housework. It has been this way since way, way back in 2002 when I was first put on psychiatric meds. The laundry isn't done, the house is dirty; I am someone who definitely needs help. We are in between maid services right now and I'm really frustrated. Now, I can keep up with keeping the dishes and kitchen clean, so there's a glimmer of hope there. As for the rest...help!

I just want you to know that it has been very challenging for me to get this blog post written. The words don't flow for me right now. But my family doctor said to keep pushing through, keep writing so that's what I'm doing. My brother, a psychologist, doesn't know why I write a blog--he says the Internet is unsafe. I guess I could be writing in a journal but for some reason I find this easier.

Okay, that's it for now. Merry Christmas!

Downward Slide

I'm feeling down and I hate that. It's summer and it's hot and the heat affects my Depakote and I get tired and slow. I feel my extra weight caused by the Risperdol and it all just spirals downward and I want to stop my meds--or at least "tinker" with them. And I know from experience this is the worst thing I could do.

Fortunately I saw Dr. Levy today and we talked everything over. I was honest with him and told him I hate the meds, and I'm so down that I want an anti-depressant. He explained that anti-depressants can cause mania in me, and we don't want that. We talked about my use of Simply Sleep to sleep, when I probably don't even need it because I take the majority of my meds at night, and they are strong and can put me to sleep. He wants me to stop taking it, and said my mood may improve and I'll have more energy during the day.

I don't know if I'm addicted to Simply Sleep--I just know I like to sleep, and when I'm depressed I "hide" in sleep. But I want to get better and Dr. Levy is the best psychiatrist in town, and if he says stop this pill I'm going to comply. I'm tired of fighting...I just need to follow doctors orders. But I'm kinda scared to let go of my sleeping aid. I've been dependent on it for a long, long time. It's going to be hard, but I so want my mood to improve. Dr. Levy said to start cutting one pill in half and take that for one week, then go a week with no Simply Sleep and see him to assess where we are.

Maybe I will get stronger and be able to do the housework without such a struggle. I am having great problems bathing every day. My clothes are clean, so that's good, but it's hard doing laundry. I am able to keep up with the cooking, but it feels like a chore. Not something I love to do. It's summertime and I am depressed.

Exercise!

Hooray! Big movement forward for me! Mom and I signed up for Water Aerobics two days a week at the Gahanna YMCA. We started today. It was fabulous just moving in the pool--I've been damn near totally sedentary for a year and finally, finally I am moving!

Dr. Levy is going to be so happy. He's been after me to exercise for months on end. I just had to build up to it. Well, the tip of the iceberg was my husband jokingly calling me a pork cutlet; it didn't necessarily upset me, but it did push me into action to call Mom, who located the Y and the classes. A day later, we were enrolled (Mom works quickly).

So I now have my Y classes on Wednesday and Friday mornings. Mondays I have my Ceramics class in the afternoon from 1-4 pm. Thursdays I have talk therapy from 12:30-2 then I get a massage at 3:30. Listen, I gotta tell you: massage therapy has helped me hold it together during this past year. I got a great deal going with my mom's masseuse -- she massages me for 90 minutes for $50. That's $200 a month I spend for sanity. It's a must-do and I budget accordingly.

Things are slowly starting to come back into line. I'll probably never work in an office again, but I'm building back up a full life with interesting things in it. Oh--my anxiety did end up getting much, much worse. Dr. Levy raised my Gabapentin (generic Neurontin) and it cut my anxiety right down. I actually was a little over-medicated, so he tweaked it a tad downward. I'm happy to report I'm anxiety-free, if that's possible...I feel relaxed and calm. Yay.

For The Love Of Cooking

The one thing that has remained constant through this recovery has been my cooking. I don't know why, I sometimes don't know how, but I am able to cook every night for my husband. And these aren't easy dishes--the recipes come from the New York Times and they can get very complex. I love spending time in the kitchen and it's the one room in my house that I clean daily, without fail. (The rest of the house is another story.)

Cooking excites and calms me at the same time. I love the colors of the vegetables, the smell of the herbs, the texture of the meats and cheeses. I love working away at a dish and coming up with a finished product that my husband adores. I've noticed that it takes me a little more time on each dish since I was put on the Risperdol--it slows me down. I'm frustrated with that. I was used to breezing my way through recipes.

The cooking lends structure to my day, which I definitely need in this recovery period. I know I will be in the kitchen most days from 4-6:30 to 7. I take time in the morning to select my recipe, then go to the market to get provisions. After walking the dogs, before I know it, it's time to cook. My time to create.

The past few days I've been sick with a terrible cold so I haven't been able to cook. I miss it. I feel "off." Interestingly, my anxiety has been ramping through the roof. I could write a whole post about anxiety but I'm worried that will make me more anxious. Let's just say when I stopped smoking pot and drinking alcohol, I no longer had these things to numb an extreme anxiety disorder. I am taking the Neurontin prescribed by Dr. Levy and he has increased the dose once. He may have to increase it again. Or put me on something else.

Dear readers, my anxiety has been horrible for months. I know we were talking about cooking, and now I'm on anxiety. Sigh. Let's hope I recover from this cold soon so I can get back to my beloved kitchen and my cooking calm.

Mem-ries

My memory is fuzzy and I blame the Risperdol. But I also had that ECT in October 2016 and that impacted my memory as well. I'm wondering though: I'm 51 and is it normal and natural to be forgetful about things? I am struggling to remember what happened to me these past 16 years since my diagnosis in February 2002. I know there were good times--my husband and I took several road trips out West--and sadly, bad times spent in hospitals and at home recovering. But everything feels like a blur, distant..is that normal? I don't know.

There is one thing I must remember and that is to take my meds. Mom got me a pill container last year (can you believe I was just popping the pills from the bottle for years...no organization...how did I keep things straight?) and it is placed prominently on my kitchen counter.

My current meds are:

Risperdol (anti-psychotic)
Depakote (mood stabilizer)
Neurontin (for anxiety)
Water pill
Antabuse (for alcoholism)
Synthroid (for Graves disease)

I also take an over-the-counter sleeping pill every night. I've been taking one for awhile...I'm not exactly sure why. Dr. Levy wanted me to stop taking them but I haven't been following his instructions. I guess I want to make sure I get to sleep and stay asleep. With the sleeping pill I can ensure I'm asleep by 9:00-9:30 p.m. and awake at 7:00 a.m. I don't think I've had this kind of a steady, solid sleep pattern for years.

I also remember the advice from a former therapist to bathe every day. I am taking showers regularly and soaking in the tub from time to time. In the past, this was very difficult. I'm so happy I'm keeping myself clean. It's something those who don't have a mental illness take for granted. I think I'll make a list of my victories:

1. Cook for husband, myself and the basset hounds
2. Bathe regularly
3. Do laundry/change sheets
4. Blogging again
5. Working with Dr. Fetter in therapy
6. Walk dogs (exercise!)
7. Reconnecting with friends slowly
8. Activities with mom (musical performances, theater, art museum, films)

I'm sure there are other things but these are the most important. So I'm building back a life. And now the sleeping pill is kicking in and it's hard to keep my eyes open. Up to bed I must go. Good night all. More at a later time.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

I'm waking up from a six month medicine haze. Dr. Levy has me on Risperdol and it packs a real punch. My days, my routine is very, very simple: wake up at seven and have three cups of coffee and cereal; call mom; plan dinner; go to grocery store; walk dogs; cook dinner and eat; spend time on Facebook then go to bed at nine. I find house cleaning chores to be very difficult right now. Doing laundry can be a challenge. I call it a great victory when I get the sheets changed.

Are things difficult because of the Risperdol? I have to ask Levy. Levy doesn't accept insurance. I pay out of pocket to see him. He's the best and you pay for it. A 20 minute session is $210. I see him once a month, but if my anxiety ramps up, or we have to tweak my meds I see him more frequently.

This is the thing about mental healthcare, this is the rub: those with severe cases need expensive meds and pricey doctors--and odds are they can't work and don't have a steady paycheck and good insurance. So how do they afford this? Well, in my case I rely on my family, my husband, and I have Medicare through my Social Security Disability plan. Things could be a hell of a lot worse.

I just want to be assured I won't go manic and get psychotic again. But no one will give me that assurance. The medicine just isn't that good--we haven't made enough breakthroughs. It's all a big crap shoot (I think). Yes, I'll continue to take my medicine as prescribed even though my history has shown I go manic every 2-3 years.

But looking back, I did smoke pot throughout the past 15 years. I was very hesitant to give that mood-altering substance up; and I have met many bipolars here over the years who smoke pot. It's certainly possible in my case that the pot contributed to my manias. I have to admit that. Today I do not drink or smoke pot. I am hoping this will keep the episodes at bay. Soon, I will (reluctantly) start exercising. Dr. Levy keeps prodding me to get to the gym. I like to swim laps and used to swim a mile four days a week in my younger days. I will try to get back to this soon.

It's challenging for me to write right now, but I'm going to keep pushing forward. One foot in front of the other. This is a start.

Picking Up The Pieces

Oh, dear readers, where have I been? In psychosis, hospitalized three times...my writer's block lasted what--two years this time? I've forgotten how to use Google Blogger. My husband navigated me here.     I'm just going to start typing and let things flow. It's hard to put together sentences; I don't feel witty; I don't know how to put pictures on this page. I'm flustered, I'm frustrated, I'm scared. What's wrong with my brain?

I guess I share with you what I remember happened. In October of 2016, I was hospitalized at The Ohio State University. I was in psychotic mania. I had been taking the med Vraylar--at the time approved for schizophrenics but not yet bipolars--and something went terribly wrong. Yes, I had been smoking pot and that probably didn't help matters.

Once in OSU's clutches, they put me on the anti-psychotic Risperdol. I was in the hospital for a month. When the psychosis didn't ease up, they talked my husband into approving ECT shock treatment. I was to have 12-15 sessions but I only had 4; and I damn near died on the table coming out of anesthesia the last treatment session. I woke up early (I think) and no one was watching me. I just remember being paralyzed and choking on the tube in my throat. I couldn't breathe...then somebody finally pulled it out and that's all I can remember.

I was released in time for the Presidential election of 2016 between Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton. My mom took me to my voting location, but I was too disoriented and tired to navigate the crowd. I ended up not voting--a first--and I'm still a little upset about that. I blame OSU. I think they traumatized me and should be held accountable.

I would get psychotic manic again in January 2017 and went back to the mental ward, this time Dublin Springs hospital, a pricey place, arguably the best mental health hospital in Columbus. I stayed for two weeks, went home and in February came under the care of my current talk therapist, Richard Fetter. He is 70, kind and intelligent and I don't know what I'd do without him.

My third hospitalization was in April 2017, again at Dublin Springs, and I only stayed a week. I was psychotic still, and the psychosis did not completely break until I came under the care of my new psychiatrist, Dr. Alan Levy, who is ranked as one of the top psychiatrists in Columbus. I began seeing  Dr. Levy in June 2017. He got me straightened out on the Risperdol and Depakote and treats my anxiety disorder with Neurontin.

While I was manic, I separated from my husband and moved in with my mom. I lived with mom from February-early July 2017. I thought I wanted to get divorced from my husband and wouldn't talk to him on the phone. The whole thing is very upsetting to think about...why is it when I get manic I want to leave the love of my life? I'm sitting with him now in the TV room. He's on his iPad playing chess and I'm here writing for the first time in two years. Tears are welling up in my eyes...I'm emotional. What would I do without husband Michael, Fetter, Levy and mom?

It's February 1, 2018 and I'm still in recovery mode from the mental wreckage of 2016-2017. I sleep a lot (11-12 hours a night) but I'm so pleased that I am able to cook! Michael gets a gourmet meal almost every night. I keep the kitchen clean and tidy (but I struggle with the rest of the housework). Our house is cluttered and I don't want people over...I am private in some ways. I long for the day when I am stronger and I get the house cleaned up and I can invite a friend over...I don't know when that will be though.

So I'm 51 now and "retired" I guess. I'll explore this more later. I'm glad I was able to write today. Dr. Levy says I won't have to go to the hospital again. Do I believe him? How many hospitalizations have I had? Nine? Ten? Too many. I'm going to slowly keep writing. I'm slow...still recovering...okay that's all for now.