One Foot In Front Of The Other

I'm waking up from a six month medicine haze. Dr. Levy has me on Risperdol and it packs a real punch. My days, my routine is very, very simple: wake up at seven and have three cups of coffee and cereal; call mom; plan dinner; go to grocery store; walk dogs; cook dinner and eat; spend time on Facebook then go to bed at nine. I find house cleaning chores to be very difficult right now. Doing laundry can be a challenge. I call it a great victory when I get the sheets changed.

Are things difficult because of the Risperdol? I have to ask Levy. Levy doesn't accept insurance. I pay out of pocket to see him. He's the best and you pay for it. A 20 minute session is $210. I see him once a month, but if my anxiety ramps up, or we have to tweak my meds I see him more frequently.

This is the thing about mental healthcare, this is the rub: those with severe cases need expensive meds and pricey doctors--and odds are they can't work and don't have a steady paycheck and good insurance. So how do they afford this? Well, in my case I rely on my family, my husband, and I have Medicare through my Social Security Disability plan. Things could be a hell of a lot worse.

I just want to be assured I won't go manic and get psychotic again. But no one will give me that assurance. The medicine just isn't that good--we haven't made enough breakthroughs. It's all a big crap shoot (I think). Yes, I'll continue to take my medicine as prescribed even though my history has shown I go manic every 2-3 years.

But looking back, I did smoke pot throughout the past 15 years. I was very hesitant to give that mood-altering substance up; and I have met many bipolars here over the years who smoke pot. It's certainly possible in my case that the pot contributed to my manias. I have to admit that. Today I do not drink or smoke pot. I am hoping this will keep the episodes at bay. Soon, I will (reluctantly) start exercising. Dr. Levy keeps prodding me to get to the gym. I like to swim laps and used to swim a mile four days a week in my younger days. I will try to get back to this soon.

It's challenging for me to write right now, but I'm going to keep pushing forward. One foot in front of the other. This is a start.