And So It Goes

 So it’s after 4:00 p.m. on a Tuesday in mid-December, I’ve been staring at our beautiful Christmas tree, nicknamed “Mort” (shortened from Mordecai), who I’ve lovingly decorated with all the ornaments I’ve been collecting over the years. Michael is playing ambient music, no Christmas tunes til Christmas Day, but I listen to those on the car radio when I’m driving around. Things have been so-so, there’s been some stress and anxiety dealing with elderly family members, but Michael is steering the ship and I’m trying my best to just be an emotionally supportive wife. The catastrophic thinking has been rearing its ugly head but I’m managing it as best I can with my Gabapentin and of course talking to sponsor Shawn and therapist Dick Fetter.

I’m so friggin grateful I have all my faculties right now, and I continue with my rigid medication compliance and sleep schedule to keep the bipolar episodes in check. Honestly, I don’t think it’s possible to live a lower stress lifestyle than the one I currently have—I don’t work, I have no children, our finances are in order, I’m extremely fortunate. My moods have been stable for quite some time, the only real issue I have is catastrophic worry about unknown future scenarios I dream up when I am sedate in my recliner (which is most of the time). 

I guess my psychiatrist Dr. Levy has done a good job with my case, although I’m left sedate with breakthrough anxiety particularly in the morning hours. But I’m surviving, I’m still here, I was dealt with the blow of bipolar and alcoholism and I’m recovering from both, one day at a time. Tonight is the Tuesday night AA meditation meeting and I think I’ll go, taking some time to just breathe and let my mind unwind from anxious thoughts. Thank God for AA, I still haven’t completed the Steps, maybe I never will, but I belong to the AA fellowship and for now that’s enough.

So back to Christmastime, I’ve ordered all of Michael’s gifts and now I’m just waiting for them to be delivered. Cross that off my list, I’ve planned a special treat for myself on Thursday, I’m getting a massage after therapy with Fetter. Then Michael is taking me out for dinner. I’m so spoiled. Shawn is having his annual holiday party Saturday night, with all the tasty food and his lovely view of downtown Columbus. Santa Claus is comin to town…hooray!