Writing Prompt: What If?

 Prompt: Pick a “what if” scenario and write about it.

This week’s assignment was to write about a “what if” scenario. I thought it would be easy at first, pick something whimsical to write about and just let myself be taken away. I was going to write about “what if I won the lottery” and regale everyone with my lottery fantasies, but something stopped me dead in my tracks. 

At first I couldn’t put my finger on it, why was I suddenly encountering difficulty putting together sentences about hitting the jackpot? I started to fret about it, wondering if I was encountering writer’s block again after a year of writing freely. I have been feeling a touch depressed lately, maybe that might explain my difficulties? But no, that really wasn’t it.

Then suddenly this morning it hit me: I actually do think about “what if” scenarios all the time, but it is always, always in the context of crushing, anxious catastrophic thinking about the future. For example, what if I find myself old and alone, with no one to help me? What if my meds stop working and I’m propelled into manic psychosis again? What if I find myself alone and broke and living on a park bench? Yes, it’s those age old fears of being alone, broke and insane that rear their ugly heads and thwart any attempt at being positive in my writing today.

I try to think back to when I was an innocent child, or a fearless woman in her 20s, basking in the hopefulness that a “what if” scenario could bring. Why is it that now in my 50s, hope has been eclipsed by fear and anxiety, is that a product of my sobriety, or is that the kind of world we now live in, thanks to social media, mainstream media, and everyone walking around with an iPhone recording things? I’m frustrated that I can no longer equate “what if” with something positive, it just defaults to something that makes me uncomfortable and afraid.

Perhaps my problem is I have outlined my fears in Step 4, but have yet to move beyond to the other Steps, so I can experience a spiritual awakening and finally find peace. I wonder if there are others who are in a similar boat as me, struggling with a fear response when thinking about “what ifs” or anything that might involve future scenarios. I wonder if I can force myself into positive thinking but alas, right now, my mood is kinda down. But at least I managed to cobble a few paragraphs together, giving us something to reflect upon for a bit. Here’s hoping I might once again find the whimsy in “what if.” Perhaps some day. Perhaps some day.