So Shawn dropped a bombshell text yesterday that Jessica from our AA sponsee family has passed, but there was no mention as to how or why. I’m left feeling utterly confused and frustrated, trying to get Shawn to call me with more information, but my phone is silent.
Jessica had the dual diagnosis like me of alcoholism and bipolar, and I’m wondering if this 40-something year old is gone because of suicide or overdose, or was it something different, like a cardiac event? She seemed so solid in her AA program, stable, for the most part. I do know she was fighting for custody back of her teenage son, and she was recently hospitalized last weekend, but I don’t know if that meant a psych ward or what.
I guess I’m just feeling like there is a huge hole now in our sponsorship family, and I’m left with these questions that want answers. Shawn has left me hanging, I feel like he’s not reliable or maybe stretched too thin to meet all his obligations. I feel stuck this afternoon, I can’t move forward with projects, I’m just sitting here trapped in my recliner ruminating over this unexpected death of someone I was fond of.
The longer the questions I have go unanswered the angrier I get. I feel selfish, like I’m entitled to know all the details of this tragic event, not get blown off because I’m irrelevant when others are grieving at the same time I am. I don’t understand why I get so obsessed with wanting to know, it’s really juvenile, immature, unbecoming.
I should just be practicing patience, eventually I will come to know why and how Jess died. I need to accept that I’m not as important as I think I am, at least in certain situations. This whole thing just was so unexpected. At least for me. And that’s difficult for me to process. Jess is gone. It feels unreal.
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