Speaking of AA, on Monday we are holding the Celebration of Life recovery meeting for Jessica. I have written the piece Shawn wants me to read, discussing my dual diagnosis of alcoholism and bipolar (which Jess had as well). There will be four of us speaking, I’m kinda nervous, Shawn said he is expecting between 75-100 people there. But I’ve been rehearsing my piece, which isn’t too long, so I should be ready.
I’ve completely given up on my morning walking, it’s been hot outside and I don’t tolerate the heat well. I’m mad at myself, I’m back at square one, sitting in this stupid brown recliner all day. Michael keeps at me to increase my step count, Dr. Levy keeps prodding me to join a pool, and I just ignore them both. Is it the meds or am I just a really, really lazy person? I’ve never thought of myself as lazy, I shudder at that label. No, I’m pointing to the 4,000 mg/day of Gabapentin I take for the anxiety plus the 4 mg/day of Risperdal. That’s an elephant tranquilizing dose. It’s no wonder I’m a sedated lump.
I’m keeping up with my cooking, but it’s harder executing things. I’m tempted to slightly dial back some of the Gabapentin but when I tried that before, things went downhill. So I’ll just continue to fumble my way through things as best I can, accepting that these side effects are the trade off for being able to stay stable and sane.
So aside from the disabling meds, I guess everything is ok. I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, my family is healthy. The psychotic manic episodes are a thing of the past—for now—and the depressive episodes haven’t bothered me in years. That’s something to be grateful for and I don’t take that lightly. I’m very lucky, I know that. Good things are coming. One day at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment