Trying to Pull Out of Morning Anxiety Spiral

 So the morning anxiety is back again, I’ve been dealing with it for two days now. Just when I thought I might try a slight taper down of my Gabapentin, this anxiety comes back, wrecking my Serenity. I’m digging through my toolbox of coping mechanisms to get me through this angst. Here’s what I know:

1. Journal. 2. Do CBT handouts Matt gave me. 3. Go for a morning walk (did this yesterday). 4. Limit caffeine consumption. 5. Shawn says pray. (I always hesitate to do this.)

I’m fearful that we have old, unsafe cars. I’m fearful I’m too sedentary and I’m going to die from inactivity. I’m fearful I take too much medication. I’m fearful I’m sleeping my life away. I’m frightened to go on a trip anywhere. 

As the morning progresses, these fears will have less and less of a grip on me. By lunchtime and beyond, I’ll be feeling fine. These fearful mornings really wear me out, however. I hope to journal most of this angst out before making my usual morning call to mom. She is just getting too old to deal with my anxiety venting; I have to stand on my own two feet and deal with things myself.

Fear: I’m over medicated, leading me to sleep too much, etc. Solution: Talk to Dr. Levy in two days. Fact is I’m getting about 9 hours of sleep a night, and that’s the optimum for me. 

Fear: Cars are old and unsafe. Solution: We have money for a new car. Michael says we will get one. I need to just let go and let him shepherd this purchase.

Fear: my sedentary nature is damaging me. Solution: I do get up from my chair. I walk Lily. I go on morning walks and to the pool two days a week. I’m working in the kitchen on dinner almost every night. This also includes doing dishes and cleaning up after we eat. 

Ok, so I kept my morning call to mom brief. I did not angst over my fears. She appreciated me giving her a break. I’m getting dressed soon and going on a 15 minute walk in the neighborhood. I would join my husband on his morning dog walk but he walks too fast; I’m not up to his speed yet. I like to go at my own pace. The important thing is I’m getting moving. My doctors will be pleased.

It’s been about 2 hours since I took my morning Gabapentin dose and I’m feeling relief from the morning fear. I’m beginning to focus on my strong belief that I need to embark on a diet to lose about 30 lbs. I did this once before, through calorie counting and portion control. I feel fat and I can’t stand the way my body looks. I have to be careful and not go overboard, and I think I can do this. 

So right now I’m feeling better than I did earlier. Just need to remember that the fear always passes. It’s a beautiful day to be sane and sober! Onward and upward.

Closing Out My 50s

 Well, tomorrow is my 59th birthday, making this a time of reflection on how this decade went, and taking stock of where I am now. I can say with certainty that I am in a much better place today, compared to where I was 9 years ago, in psychosis, hospitalized three times in one year, separated from my husband, just awful. I’m filled with gratitude that I am sane and sober today.

At first glance, I’d say my 50s were filled with crushing anxiety and fear. Yet that’s not completely accurate, I’ve had days where I felt confident, days where I took initiative to take on new things. I guess the decade was a mixed bag of good days and bad days, aren’t they all? 

Importantly, this was a decade of sobriety, and time spent saving and rejuvenating my marriage. Both my husband and I are sober now, me doing AA, him doing sobriety on his own. I’ve got the AA fellowship now supporting me as I navigate abstinence and med compliance. I’m on solid ground, finally, and off the merry-go-round of repeated hospitalizations. Thank God.

I guess I really don’t know where all the time has gone, years have flown by. How did I get to 59? In some ways I don’t feel old; in other ways I’m really feeling my age. Time waits for no man, so are the days of our lives. Here we are, on the cusp of 60. I guess I will call myself “seasoned.” That has a nice ring to it.

Feeling good today. Got some beautiful strip steaks for Michael to grill tomorrow night, and he got numerous pastry sweet treats from the French bakery for us to enjoy over the weekend. Happy birthday to me, and all that jazz. I’m still standing. What an accomplishment!

Writing Prompt: Seasons and Change

 Prompt: Write about the impact seasons have on our mood. What does a season’s change teach us? How do you deal with change?

Seasons and Change

I normally don’t do well with change. I think that’s the alcoholic in me, resistant to implement a change unless things get mighty painful for me. But change in life is inevitable, particularly if we look to the cycle of seasons that occur every year. We’ve got one such change happening soon, with spring segwaying into summer. These seasonal shifts can impact my bipolar mood, lifting me up in spring and bringing me down in the hot summer. 

But ever since I started my new med cocktail and entered sobriety 8 years ago, my mood has for the most part remained steady through seasonal changes. I guess this is a relief, compared to years past when I would be too depressed to leave bed, or way too elevated and running around town in a Spring manic spending spree.

The change in seasons every year teaches me that change is a part of life, something inevitable that I don’t need to fear. Not all change is bad, I actually look forward to Spring and to Fall, relishing the changes to the plants and trees, the temperature outside, and changes in the wildlife around me. Whenever I find myself dreading or resisting an inevitable change in something, I need to remind myself of the positives that often occur. 

Today I can observe the seasonal changes quietly, pensively, and with maturity that comes from slowing down and living life one day at a time. Meds definitely assist in this endeavor, something that occasionally I’ll complain about when I start comparing myself to others who have more motivation and energy than I can muster. But recently I’ve been working on pushing myself where I’m able to, and leaning into acceptance when things overwhelm me. Perhaps I can learn to love this wise, old me who has evolved into an observer instead of a careless extrovert.

I’m hoping to gain more control over my fear of change, and get more comfortable just accepting that change is a part of life. Realizing that I’m not afraid and resistant to all kinds of change (just some) is comforting and gives me encouragement to lower my defenses and embrace new things. I guess I’m a work in progress, but then again aren’t we all? Slowly but surely I’m coming along. Bringing about positive change in myself. The ultimate goal. 

Writing Prompt: Still Cravin’ After All These Years

Prompt: When you encounter cravings, what do you do? Write about things you have successfully done to combat cravings. Share your experience, strength and hope.

Still Cravin’ After All These Years

So the topic is cravings, be it cravings for alcohol, weed, or some other mood altering substance. And what we do to keep cravings at bay. Well, I initially thought that once the obsession to drink left me, it would follow that I would no longer crave the demon rum or the dangerous-for-me weed. Not the case. I may no longer be thinking about booze every waking minute, but every so often—particularly during times when my anxiety is acute—I start to crave something to numb my discomfort, something to make it go away.

I’ve been at this sobriety game for a very long time. And the thing about my cravings is they often come when I least expect them. Sometimes they can be downright sneaky. For example, my therapist caught me in one last month when I said I wanted Ativan (an addictive benzodiazepine) for my anxiety. “Wait a minute Melissa,” he said. “Didn’t you tell me you used to stockpile Ativan to trade for weed back in the day? You’re not wanting Ativan, you’re craving marijuana to numb your anxiety. Call this what it is.”

Ouch, that hurts. Still Cravin’ after all these years!

So what do I do to combat substance cravings when they crop up? Well, first of all I know that my cravings have a beginning, a middle, and fortunately a definite end. So often it’s just a case of riding the craving out, being patient as it moves through me. Now, that’s often easier said than done. But I know the longer I stay sober, the more quickly the cravings pass. 

When dealing with a craving, I find it helps to tell on myself to my husband, sponsor Shawn, or someone from the AA fellowship. Talking about what I’m feeling, and what I want to numb, with someone is really helpful for dismantling the craving. If I stay silent and in my own head, bad things can happen. Opening up about things with someone else is the definite way to go.

Often my cravings involve fantasizing about how good I’d feel if I had a drink or a hit of weed. But when was I ever able to stop at just one? Never! I need to follow that first drink through all the way to total annihilation in a black out. Then crushing depression and a hangover. That’s what became of me and will be waiting for me if I drink again. Do I want to give up this healthy, sober life for that? No! So stay away from that first drink.

As I said earlier, most cravings I get today tend to be interwoven with acute anxiety that sometimes bothers me. But I’ve had good success working with my psychiatrist who occasionally tweaks my non-addictive anti-anxiety medication, which has brought me great relief. When my anxiety is under control, I find I am very happy with my sober life. In addition to meds, I’m getting Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools from my therapist to manage my anxiety attacks if they break through. Subsequently, cravings haven’t plagued me much as of late.

But I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get rid of cravings completely. And maybe that’s how things are meant to be. The important thing to remember is not to act on the craving, no matter how strong it is. And to lean into gratitude for all the good things a sober life brings you. Stay close to the fellowship. And never forget cravings pass!

Definitely Better

 Greetings readers, I’ve had a string of really good days, making me think maybe I’m fully adapted to the new levothyroxine dose of 112 mcg/day. I saw Dr. Levy today and he was really pleased with how I was doing. He’s keeping all my meds and dosages the same, no changes. Right now that’s fine by me.

My anxiety and bipolar are controlled. My thyroid is in good shape too. Saw Dr. Larrimer last week and he approved of my new TSH reading of 1.24. I’m to continue seeing him every three months, a change from my previous bi-annual appointments. But I’m glad we continue to monitor my thyroid closely. It’s important to stay on top of things.

My husband is back to sleeping a normal amount every night. I’m so relieved. Things were stressful for me when his insomnia flared up. I’m glad things have greatly improved. Right now he’s dealing with a springtime cold that cropped up. I’m keeping him well fed and making sure he has the necessary items to treat this cold. 

So right now things are basically good. Let’s hold on to this and make it last!