Writing Prompt: AA Promises

 Prompt: Think about the AA Promises. Write something about a promise coming true in your life, or a promise(s) you would like to see happen.

Sometimes quickly, Sometimes slowly

I love it when the AA Promises are read before the meeting begins. Listening to them gives me hope that there will be a bright light at the end of my long, sometimes dark recovery journey. I’ve been at this sobriety thing off and on for 25 years; but only this recent go around have I been working with a sponsor on the Steps and earnestly looking for the promises coming true. So far, I have experienced the following promises:

1. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Like all alcoholics, I have done things in the past while drunk that I was deeply ashamed of. But when I opened up to sponsor Shawn and told him about things, my shame started to diminish. I don’t want to forget where I’ve come from and I won’t. My spiritual rock bottom was extremely vivid and painful. But today I’m on much stronger spiritual footing. There’s no room for regrets.

2. We will see how our experience can benefit others.

Attending sponsor Shawn’s Monday night Zoom for over 3 1/2 years, I’ve had ample opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope with the other attendees. I’ve been amazed by the people who have reached out to me after a meeting to let me know how much they appreciated what I shared. That makes me feel so good.

and 3. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

One of the most important things in my life is my relationship with sponsor Shawn and the members of my AA groups I attend. This fellowship with other alcoholics in recovery takes my focus off of myself and puts it squarely on hoping for the well being of friends trudging the same recovery road that I am. I truly love the AA fellowship I am a part of, and I care deeply about people I have met. When they share about themselves I’m interested in what they say. My life is richer because of these relationships.

As I continue working on the Steps with Shawn, I’m really looking forward to the following promises coming true: Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. Self seeking will slip away. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. And We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

I’ve had glimpses of some of these promises working in my life. There are moments in my day when I feel truly peaceful and serene. And in a few instances, I’ve prayed to God and he’s taken away my acute anxiety I was feeling. I look forward to experiencing all of the promises more fully. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if I work for them.

Writing Prompt: Dismantling Fear

Prompt: Take a fear you have and write about your plan should that fear become reality. That way when the fear returns we can confidently say nope, I’ve already written out a plan, no need to revisit that fear.

Dismantling Fear

I’ve shared with you before that when I did my Fourth Step with Shawn and had to write out my fear inventory, I came up with three very strong fears that plague me constantly when I’m future tripping in morning anxiety. It is the fear that I’ll end up a) alone, b) broke and c) insane. 

I assume all of these three things will be going on together, with no hope in sight. But wise AA Sponsor Shawn had me make a list of these fears, with the added instruction write underneath each fear the FACTS about where things stand today. A plan of sorts, to ensure these fears don’t come to fruition. What followed was an eye-opening exercise which left me feeling confident, definitely less fearful, and yes, optimistic that I was indeed going to be safe and OK. So let me go through this piece of paper I have, giving voice to the facts that keep me grounded in today, not a catastrophic unknown future.

Fear #1: I am alone.

Facts: I have a loving, loyal husband by my side. I have extended family all over Columbus, including my mother, brother, sister, and numerous nieces and nephews. I have numerous friends all over this town. I have my AA family, including Sponsor Shawn, my Creative Writing group, and other individuals in the recovery community. I may join a church, and find a new church family. So in other words, I am definitely not alone!

Fear #2: I am broke.

Facts: My husband and I are not broke. We have ample savings and financial security throughout retirement. We own our house. We do not live a lavish lifestyle and stay within a budget. My husband is frugal and an excellent financial planner. Everything is going to be OK. 

Fear #3: I am insane.

Facts: I have bipolar type 1 with psychotic features. I may have sporadic episodes but they are managed by one of the best psychiatrists in the city. I take my meds now as prescribed, religiously. I am completely sober from all substances, and have been for over 7 years. I get anxious I will go off the rails, but I have a safety net of doctors, family and friends around me. I know what to do if an episode starts to take hold, who to call and where to go, the hospital if need be. Every one of my episodes has a beginning, middle and end. They do not last forever. Today I am sane—and I’m like this most of the time! Can you even call me in an episode insane? Does this label even apply?

When I think about my base fears, I can see that they are rooted in this feeling that I am not going to be OK, or safe even. Sponsor Shawn said to me, Am I practicing faith that everything is going to be OK? I think about this a lot. My therapist Matt has told me to look into the mirror each morning and say, “I am safe. I am OK.” I’m experimenting with that and it’s helping.

According to the facts, my fears have no merit. Isn’t it time to let go and see my Higher Power has got me, has ensured I’m safe, I’m protected. Put your faith in the Higher Power and rest easy. Everything is handled. And that’s a fact.

My Favorite Time of Year

 My Favorite Time of Year

Well Fall is here, and that means more comfortable temperatures and beautiful colors in the trees, cooking soups and stews, and wonderful Dr. Levy taking pity on me and lowering my Risperdal dose from 4 mg./day to 3.5 mg. Hooray! I feel crisper, more motivated, and isn’t that wonderful after months and months feeling zoned out and fatigued. I feel greedy, I want to go down to 3 mg. but easy does it, Melissa, I don’t want to tip into an episode like I did in 2022 when I was down to 1.5 mg of the Risperdal.

So I’m just going to enjoy where I am, and proceed with my new water exercise classes I found. They meet twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I’m making new friends. I feel better, stronger, I’m delighted I’m out of the recliner and moving! I’m trying to walk more too, though it’s slower going with me very reluctant to leave my chair in the morning.

 My husband, bless his soul, keeps encouraging me to join him on his morning walks which I promised to do when the weather got cooler. Well, here we are, it’s Fall with temps in the 60s and 70s, perfect for strolling so what’s my excuse? I have none. Just need to push through this initial resistance but that’s hard. Don’t give up trying!

OSU football has started and the Columbus Blue Jackets hockey season starts in a few days. So that will keep me occupied. My writing group is still going strong, something I find very rewarding and I love the fellowship with the other participants. All in all I’m happy, sure I get a little stressed and anxious in the morning but besides that everything is OK. I’ll take it.

On Sunday, October 13 my husband and I celebrate our 23rd anniversary. I can’t believe we’ve been together this long, time flies and all that. We are going out to dinner to Cento, a neighborhood Italian restaurant that recently opened. I’m excited to have the night off from cooking, and to have someone else doing the dinner dishes. 

AA continues to be important to me, and I’m doing my meeting zooms plus attending an in person meeting every now and then. I’ve recently joined a prayer accountability text group with a few guys from Shawn’s sponsee family. Basically, we check in with one another to describe what we are praying for, and offer encouragement to one another. Praying doesn’t come easily to me, and I’m hoping this text group will help with that. 

I continue working with sponsor Shawn on the AA Steps. I’m still on Step 7, parked here because of a current crisis of confidence in my Higher Power, but I’m working through that. Shawn doesn’t push me, and I appreciate that, I’ve got space and time to list my shortcomings and humbly ask Him to remove them. This is a real commitment to my Higher Power, the rubber is meeting the road, and I want to be sure when I complete this step. 

So this is my update for now. It’s a beautiful day today, and I’m going to get out and enjoy it. Easy does it, everyone, bloom where you are planted. See ya. 

Writing Prompt: A Great Pumpkin

 Prompt: Write about something you do very seldom that most people wouldn’t know about you that you feel is actually a big part of who you are.

A Great Pumpkin

Once in a blue moon my husband Michael and I will rally in October and make the drive down to Circleville for the annual Circleville Pumpkin Show. I love these small town festivals, and who doesn’t love seeing the 2,400 lb. pumpkin crowned winner as heaviest of them all? Yes, there’s all the competing pumpkins to see, and then all the pumpkin foods to sample, like pumpkin hamburgers, pumpkin doughnuts, and of course the crowd-pleasing pumpkin pie. And if you like people-watching like I do, it’s a feast for the eyes to gaze into the crowd of 100,000 people that show up each of the four days of the Show.

My husband was raised in Circleville, so for him it’s a trip down memory lane when we go back to his home town. Sometimes when we go down for the Pumpkin Show we’ll leave the festival and drive by his old house, which used to be considered a solitary place in the country outside of town, but now has been surrounded by adjacent houses and some business development nearby. We never have stopped by the house and tried to meet the current occupants. Instead we just do a slow drive-by. That seems to suffice these days. But I love seeing the place where Michael spent his younger years, I imagine him raking the yard and bagging leaves for his allowance. I think his stingy Dad paid him $5.00. 

But back to the Pumpkin Show, and that wonderful, small-town vibe you get when you attend the yearly festival. I really, really love this, and although I’ve lived almost exclusively in large urban centers for most of my life, I really think I would love having a homestead in a small town like Circleville, where everyone pretty much knows one another and a lot of each other’s business. Occasionally a meaty scandal rocks the town, like right now the police department in Circleville is under investigation. Eventually things get sorted out, some people get fired and move away from town. Life goes on.

There are different parades during the four day Pumpkin Show, and I’ve seen the Little Miss Pumpkin beauty pageant parade as well as the Circleville High School marching band. Michael was in the band back in the early 1980s, back when it was a really big deal, with over 200 people participating. Michael played the trumpet, and wore black and red clothing in a military style as well as a tall, black furry hat. I wish I had the chance to see him playing with that large ensemble. What a sight that must have been!

My husband turned 60 in August and he’s pushing to convince me to move to a more rural locale for this next chapter of our lives. Perhaps we will end up somewhere down in Pickaway County, closer to Circleville. But then again maybe we will just stay put here in German Village. Who knows. I’m just taking things one day at a time, and right now we’ve got our own mixed assortment of pumpkins outside on the porch, just waiting to be carved. And I know how to make a mean pumpkin pie. Guess the pumpkin show for us is here this year. I don’t mind. There’s always next year to see the great pumpkin at the Circleville Pumpkin Show. 

Writing Prompt: A Favorite Room

Prompt: Visualize what's currently inside your favorite room. Why are those things in there? Who bought them? Why do you love the room? 

A Favorite Room

There are several rooms inside this 1906 home of mine that I enjoy immensely. I spend most of my time either in my kitchen or the TV room, but it’s the adjacent parlor room with working fireplace that I’d like to discuss today. 

My time spent in the parlor is limited primarily to the cold winter months, when my husband lights a fire for me and I curl up on the pine green leather sofa to watch the flames. Basset Lily will jump up on the couch with me and nestle in next to me. I bought this leather couch myself almost 25 years ago, back when I was single and wanted to splurge on a piece of furniture. I’m not exactly sure how much I spent on the couch but I think it was over $1,000. Nice couch.

The parlor room is filled with interesting, eclectic things purchased by both myself and my husband. Some lovely paintings hang on the walls, a landscape with trees, and three paintings purchased from a gallery specializing in American Realism. I also have a framed Toulouse Lautrec print of a red haired showgirl he loved to paint.

There’s a sampling of antiques in the parlor that we’ve gotten from our parents. I got us something called a dry sink, a large wooden piece with shelves below a top resembling a sink with no faucet or drain. Inside the dry sink I have some of my mother’s china, some nice bowls, and some formal place setting pieces. Next to the dry sink is a large antique pie safe, basically a wooden storage cabinet from years ago. My husband inherited it from his mom and uses it to store miscellaneous items, and I stashed my old portable CD player/radio in it that I used to play all the time. In the far corner of the room sits the antique secretary my husband also got from his mom. He keeps important mail and documents in there. I’m glad we’ve put the piece to use. 

There’s an antique hat and coat hanger on a portion of the wall to the left of the fireplace. Both my husband and I love to wear hats, and we’ve amassed quite a collection. There’s my husband’s Stetson hats, and my Russian furry hats in faux leopard and black mink. All the assorted ball caps from the different sports teams we support. And one of my favorite hats, an olive green fedora that makes quite a statement when I wear it out.

The focal point in the parlor room is the fireplace, and the wood mantelpiece over it with a mirror. We have an assortment of items on it, including “Harry” a stuffed squirrel; a large, silver vase in the shape of a fish stuffed with peacock feathers; a pair of bronzed baby shoes I found at an antique shop; a painting on a piece of tin of a red rooster with the lettering, “Warning: A Bipolar Rooster Lives Here”; and a small wooden frame around the following quote: “Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.”

So this has been a brief look at a room that has given me pleasure throughout the years. Soon winter will be upon us and I’ll be back in the parlor, gazing at a fire and all the eccentric items in the room. For now the room is quiet, just waiting for me. Soon I’ll be in there. Soon.

Writing Prompt: Attention Kroger Shoppers

Prompt: Write about your experience with a favorite neighborhood restaurant or store.

Attention Kroger Shoppers

My week wouldn’t be complete without my usual run to our local Kroger in the Brewery District. It’s my second home of sorts, I’ve got all the aisles memorized so I can find what’s on my list pretty effortlessly. My shopping list, now that’s something humorous to note, I’m one of those people who still writes everything down on a piece of notebook paper, I’m unwilling to use the Notes App on my phone. That’s too complicated. Yes, I troll the aisles of my Kroger with one hand on my cart, the other holding the notebook paper list. Whatever works, I guess.

I have a method for my shopping at Kroger, I always start in the produce section, then move forward as follows: Cheese section then deli; seafood and meat section; bread section, and then cover all the canned and boxed goods in the aisles. Next dairy, then frozen vegetables and frozen breads. And finally eggs, yogurt and if I want to splurge, I’ll buy ice cream.

Sometimes I’ll deviate slightly from this order, like if I need to buy napkins or shampoo, flowers or a greeting card. But mostly I stick to the same route through the store, moving slowly but with purpose. I do tend to people watch in Kroger, and sometimes I’ll strike up a conversation with someone if I see them putting interesting items in their cart. Like ask them what they are cooking, or if they recommend a certain product.

I do notice that most folks in my Kroger are only buying a few things, whereas I’m wheeling a big cart full of stuff. Perhaps they come more frequently to the store than me, with my once a week shop. Or maybe people around me just don’t cook that much, or perhaps they are getting groceries delivered. Who knows. But for the most part when I go to my Kroger in the early afternoon on a weekday it’s not crowded at all and I like that.

When it comes to checking out, I really don’t like those self-serve check outs where you scan and bag everything yourself. So I’ll go and wait in the one line my Kroger has with a cashier and hopefully a bagger assisting. I’m never in a rush, I just patiently wait for my turn, when I place my items on the belt in an orderly fashion. Frozen items up first, then refrigerated ones, then cans and miscellaneous items and lastly all my produce to be weighed and rung up. I present any coupons if I have them and have my Kroger card scanned. Then pay my bill, which hopefully isn’t too steep but with inflation who knows.

So that’s my Kroger experience, something I do weekly, regardless of weather conditions. Gotta keep the refrigerator full so I can get food on the table for my husband and myself. I’m glad my Kroger is nearby, only 5 minutes away by car, so if I forget something on my list I can easily pick it up later. Do you shop at a Kroger too? I’d love to hear about your grocery shopping experience if you’d like to share!

Why My Med Tweaks Don’t Work

 Ok, so for the third time, I tried tweaking my anxiety medication (Gabapentin) down on my own because I didn’t like the sedation it was causing. It was a disaster, I started calling mom in the morning, gripped in panic and fear and she just couldn’t help me. Why I don’t learn my lesson I don’t know, so here we are, I’ve added the 800 mg. Gabapentin back to my daily dose and yes, I’m now feeling blessed relief from anxiety in the morning. 

I need to just stop trying to take matters into my own hands. I need to stop fighting the meds, just accept the side effects. If I’m sedate, I’m sedate, if all I can muster is a two block walk then so be it. I signed up to use a warm water pool two days a week but if I’m terrified of having a fainting incident then maybe it’s not the right place for me right now.

The fact is I had a very upsetting fainting incident a month ago which included coming to and vomiting and going to the ER in the squad. I’ve since quit nicotine gum, even though my doctors can’t pinpoint the gum as a cause for my faint. Without knowing a definitive cause, I’m frightened I’ll faint again and that’s causing me to limit trips from home. I want to isolate, and I know that’s terrible for me. 

I’m going through nicotine withdrawal which is screwing up my sleep, plus I’m feeling physically off, just don’t feel well. Not nauseous per se but no appetite, kinda run down, just feel poorly. I’m assuming all this will pass? I don’t know. I talk to Dr. Levy tomorrow, I see Dr. Schumacher next week and I can ask them. I have expectations of feeling much better than this, and it’s not like I want to go back to the nicotine gum but damn, I’m tired of feeling like shit.

My 50s have been horrible, don’t mean to put all this negativity out here but it’s how I feel right now. I’ll feel better after I eat brunch and settle into the afternoon. It’s Labor Day today, a holiday, time to relax and be free from worry and angst. I hope I feel better soon. Deep breath, Melissa. Stay in today and let whatever you do today be enough.