Christmas Eve Reflections, and On To The New Year

  Well it’s another Christmas Eve, and yet again I found myself sliding into the dumps, and feeling sorry for myself and hating what my medication does to me. I’m kinda unhappy, I’m certainly fearful of a lot, and I had great difficulty listening to the Christmas music Michael was playing this morning. I’ve got cooking to do this afternoon and I don’t want to do it. Call me restless, irritable and discontent, this has been going on for months now.

I read over last year’s Christmas entry and I felt the same way. I guess holidays are rough for some people, myself included. I feel lonely, and physically not in the best shape. I’ve been feeling lightheaded and woozy, and as always trapped in this recliner. Nobody likes to read about some depressed, broken down, old bipolar, and certainly not on Christmas. I need to turn this ship around, but how?

I’m absolutely sick and tired of Levy, Matt and Michael telling me to exercise. I’m not going to do that, except my water exercise class two days a week. That’s better than nothing. I know these guys are trying to help but god damn it, I just don’t have the energy and these meds make me so damn sedate. Oh, how I hate these pills! Why won’t new meds come on the market? 

It’s Christmas and I’m complaining. What a mess. Perhaps things will turn around Christmas Day. I just want to feel better. Santa make my wish come true.

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Ok, my, have things turned around for me since I penned the depressing stuff above! Welcome 2025, today I got myself to the Schiller Park Rec Center where I got the schedule for their winter session fitness classes. I am signing up for a morning fitness class on MWF, as well as an art class on Fridays. Everything is free for seniors! Therapist Matt got me focused on making this step, and I’m excited to start working off this holiday time weight gain.

Got the outdoor Christmas decorations put away, but we are leaving the tree up for a little longer. We have been going to hockey games and the Blue Jackets are actually winning a lot of them! It’s been fun being in the arena with everyone cheering our team on. My beloved Ohio State Buckeyes soundly defeated Oregon in the Rose Bowl yesterday, and now the team advances to the quarterfinals in the College Football championship. We might actually win the national championship this year. Fingers crossed for good luck!

The only thing really bugging me right now is my weight. I’m going to embark on calorie counting and portion size reduction to try and carve off some pounds. I may limit carbs but I have to be extremely careful of that. Carb restriction affects my Depakote dosage and I can get sick. The key is to do this weight loss slowly, not to get impatient and want to rush things. I can do this!

I’m feeling much better, not dizzy and sick like I felt last month. Not sure what brought about this change, maybe it was stopping drinking the water from the fridge dispenser? Whatever it is, I feel better and I’m relieved. I’ll be focusing on my health and wellness in 2025, I hope to get stronger and feel a lift in mood, like Dr. Levy has promised. 

So Happy New Year, keep moving forward Melissa, one foot in front of the other. I’m feeling positive vibes today, so I’m gonna ride that as long as I can. Bring on 2025!

Writing Prompt: Sweet Little Lies

 Prompt: Think about little white lies and the effects and consequences from them that we never consider when telling them in the moment. Write about your experiences and encourage other group participants. 

Sweet Little Lies

There are some lyrics from an old Fleetwood Mac song that go, “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.” I’m reminded of that when I think about the little white lies I often tell my husband, even though I’ve sworn to myself that I needed to clean up my act and be truthful in everything I do. I guess I was a liar throughout my drinking and using years, and that’s continued into my sobriety. A glaring character defect that I’m reluctant to turn over to God even though that might do me a world of good.

A recent lie that I was perpetuating involved my sneaky purchases of boxes of nicotine gum behind my husband’s back while he was trying to ration me to 8 pieces of gum a day. I would take those 8 pieces of gum he would give me then supplement it with a stash of extra pieces from the box I had purchased. A box I kept hidden in a bag buried underneath some coats hanging up in a closet. The behavior reminded me of my using days when I’d hide bottles of wine underneath the sink, and drink more than everyone else. No attempt at moderation or rationing would ever work.

I finally got free from the insanity of the hidden nicotine gum boxes four months ago, when my husband and I gave up nicotine gum for good. It took complete abstinence from nicotine for me to stop this particular lie, something I’m painfully aware of. 

I decided today to tell my husband about the hidden gum boxes. He wasn’t angry at me at all, but what concerns me is he basically accepts that I tell these little white lies. He doesn’t think I will change. This doesn’t sit well with me, I don’t want to be seen as a liar, I want to be known for my attempts at honesty and turning over a new leaf by trying to live by a 12-step program. But I guess when you’ve been telling little lies to your spouse for decades, and they are aware of it, building back trust is not going to happen overnight.

Another lie I’m telling is that I’m brushing my teeth every night. My husband wants us to practice good dental hygiene so we don’t have expensive dental bills. So he reminds me every night when I go up to bed to brush my teeth. For some reason, maybe laziness, I don’t want to brush my teeth every night. But I run my toothbrush under the faucet in case my husband checks it. He asks me if I’m brushing and I lie and say yes. 

I feel powerless over this lying. Is it something all addicts do? Maybe people lie whether they are addicts or not. I want to change. God grant me the courage to change the things I can. It may be time to fess up to my husband about the teeth brushing. I think if I just go about dismantling one sweet little lie at a time, I’ll be making good progress. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly…things will always materialize if we work for it.

Writing Prompt: A Daily Reprieve

 Prompt: Contemplate the idea of a daily reprieve and the work required to keep it. Write about where you are with this in your life today. It could be a reprieve from any number of issues that you are experiencing now in sobriety.

Beyond Temporary Relief

For this week’s writing on AA’s Daily Reprieve, I decided to first look up the definition of “reprieve” to see what I could find. A cancellation or postponement of a punishment, it said. And a cancellation of a painful or otherwise lousy situation. In other words, if you’re being tortured, a reprieve is a break from whatever’s tormenting you. To get a reprieve is to get relief for a time. A reprieve is only temporary. 

In sobriety now for over 7 years, I’ve found a long term reprieve from the horrors of active alcoholism. The Big Book says: “What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” A daily reprieve in AA refers to the idea that people in recovery can postpone the inevitability of their damaging drinking or drug use by staying focused on one day at a time, and carrying God’s will into all our activities. Importantly, this means His will, not mine, be done.  

To maintain this AA daily reprieve, I do the following: 

1. Practice spirituality through prayer and meditation. I try to pray consistently, though it’s been hard remembering to say a prayer every day. I joined a prayer accountability group with a few people which has helped me to stay focused and on track. As for meditation, I installed the Insight Timer app on my phone, and I’ve been following some guided meditations for managing anxiety and fear. It’s been helpful.

2. Live in the present by focusing on the here and now, not the catastrophic future. Nick from our AA fellowship says the Higher Power resides in the present. I firmly believe that. When I hang out in future thinking I tend to feel nothing but terror and I feel alone. But in the present I have peace and have experienced conscious contact with God. God’s will for me can be found in the present. I just need to let go of trying to control outcomes. 

3. Work the AA program. I do this by attending AA meetings, meeting my sponsor Shawn once a week, and working to complete the 12 AA Steps. I’m currently on Step 7 and I’ve been here for awhile. Shawn is letting me take my time, which I appreciate. I’m looking forward to the Spiritual Awakening that comes from completing the Steps. 

And 4. Serve others. I do this by sharing my experience, strength and hope at AA meetings, making 7th tradition donations, and staying active in my prayer group and my writing group. It’s important that I stay involved with my AA fellowship. I treasure the people I have met in AA, and consider them kindred spirits traveling along with me on this sober journey.

We are not cured from alcoholism or drug addiction. But we do have this daily reprieve, which can bring us a happy, joyous and free life—if we work for it. One day at a time, my life is getting better. I’ve moved beyond temporary relief from something definitely lousy into something consistently pleasant and sometimes even wonderful. Amen to that!

Writing Prompt: Giving Thanks

 Prompt: In recognition of the Thanksgiving holiday, write about some things you are thankful for.

Giving Thanks

Well, I’ve noticed that when I’m asked to reflect on things I’m thankful for, it changes according to how old I am. Now that I’m here at age 58, pushing up against age 60, the first thing that comes to mind for me to shout thanks to the heavens is for my health. I’m in reasonably good shape for my age, the only drawback being I get fatigued by my bipolar medicine and can get sedentary, but I’m pushing back against that. I’m walking and I joined a pool for water exercise classes. I eat a balanced diet and keep my stress low. I’m thankful that I don’t have any major health problems. I hope this continues for a long while.

Next, I’m thankful that I’m not alone, one of my biggest fears that I contend with. I’m thankful for my husband and our lengthy marriage, which has survived rocky times and remained intact. Yes, he irritates me sometimes and we have conflicts. But for the most part we are compatible, and continue on happy together. I’m thankful for supportive friends and family that I can lean on in my vulnerable times. This includes my AA family, which means so very much to me as I work to manage a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and alcoholism. My AA sponsor Shawn is especially important to me. We have met weekly for over 3 1/2 years, and he is patiently guiding me through the Steps. 

I’m thankful I have the resources for my excellent treatment team working with me to manage my bipolar type 1 with psychotic features and anxiety disorder. This includes a great psychiatrist and a talk therapist who is challenging me to keep pushing forward when all I want to do is give up and play the victim card. I’m thankful my psychiatrist tweaked my meds so I can now write again and read books. How frustrating it was when I couldn’t do either, something that I contended with for years. And I’m thankful my therapist is using eye movement therapy with me to successfully treat my trauma and anxiety stemming from repeated psychotic episodes. Finally I’m feeling relief and I’m functioning more normally.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, I’m thankful the obsession to drink, the craving for substances has left me. It took an extremely long time for this relief to come about, there was a whole heck of a lot of instability and repeated hospitalizations before I finally surrendered and eventually found my way back to the AA way of living. Only then did the cravings leave me. Was it the AA fellowship I found that successfully smashed the obsession? Or did a Higher Power relieve me of my weakness? Whatever the case, today I am sober and deeply thankful for it. I had been headed down a dark road but fortunately took a detour and today I walk in the light. Thank goodness for second chances. Now bring on happy, joyous and free! That’s what I’m working for. One day at a time.

Writing Prompt: AA Promises

 Prompt: Think about the AA Promises. Write something about a promise coming true in your life, or a promise(s) you would like to see happen.

Sometimes quickly, Sometimes slowly

I love it when the AA Promises are read before the meeting begins. Listening to them gives me hope that there will be a bright light at the end of my long, sometimes dark recovery journey. I’ve been at this sobriety thing off and on for 25 years; but only this recent go around have I been working with a sponsor on the Steps and earnestly looking for the promises coming true. So far, I have experienced the following promises:

1. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

Like all alcoholics, I have done things in the past while drunk that I was deeply ashamed of. But when I opened up to sponsor Shawn and told him about things, my shame started to diminish. I don’t want to forget where I’ve come from and I won’t. My spiritual rock bottom was extremely vivid and painful. But today I’m on much stronger spiritual footing. There’s no room for regrets.

2. We will see how our experience can benefit others.

Attending sponsor Shawn’s Monday night Zoom for over 3 1/2 years, I’ve had ample opportunity to share my experience, strength and hope with the other attendees. I’ve been amazed by the people who have reached out to me after a meeting to let me know how much they appreciated what I shared. That makes me feel so good.

and 3. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

One of the most important things in my life is my relationship with sponsor Shawn and the members of my AA groups I attend. This fellowship with other alcoholics in recovery takes my focus off of myself and puts it squarely on hoping for the well being of friends trudging the same recovery road that I am. I truly love the AA fellowship I am a part of, and I care deeply about people I have met. When they share about themselves I’m interested in what they say. My life is richer because of these relationships.

As I continue working on the Steps with Shawn, I’m really looking forward to the following promises coming true: Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. Self seeking will slip away. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. And We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

I’ve had glimpses of some of these promises working in my life. There are moments in my day when I feel truly peaceful and serene. And in a few instances, I’ve prayed to God and he’s taken away my acute anxiety I was feeling. I look forward to experiencing all of the promises more fully. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, they will always materialize if I work for them.

Writing Prompt: Dismantling Fear

Prompt: Take a fear you have and write about your plan should that fear become reality. That way when the fear returns we can confidently say nope, I’ve already written out a plan, no need to revisit that fear.

Dismantling Fear

I’ve shared with you before that when I did my Fourth Step with Shawn and had to write out my fear inventory, I came up with three very strong fears that plague me constantly when I’m future tripping in morning anxiety. It is the fear that I’ll end up a) alone, b) broke and c) insane. 

I assume all of these three things will be going on together, with no hope in sight. But wise AA Sponsor Shawn had me make a list of these fears, with the added instruction write underneath each fear the FACTS about where things stand today. A plan of sorts, to ensure these fears don’t come to fruition. What followed was an eye-opening exercise which left me feeling confident, definitely less fearful, and yes, optimistic that I was indeed going to be safe and OK. So let me go through this piece of paper I have, giving voice to the facts that keep me grounded in today, not a catastrophic unknown future.

Fear #1: I am alone.

Facts: I have a loving, loyal husband by my side. I have extended family all over Columbus, including my mother, brother, sister, and numerous nieces and nephews. I have numerous friends all over this town. I have my AA family, including Sponsor Shawn, my Creative Writing group, and other individuals in the recovery community. I may join a church, and find a new church family. So in other words, I am definitely not alone!

Fear #2: I am broke.

Facts: My husband and I are not broke. We have ample savings and financial security throughout retirement. We own our house. We do not live a lavish lifestyle and stay within a budget. My husband is frugal and an excellent financial planner. Everything is going to be OK. 

Fear #3: I am insane.

Facts: I have bipolar type 1 with psychotic features. I may have sporadic episodes but they are managed by one of the best psychiatrists in the city. I take my meds now as prescribed, religiously. I am completely sober from all substances, and have been for over 7 years. I get anxious I will go off the rails, but I have a safety net of doctors, family and friends around me. I know what to do if an episode starts to take hold, who to call and where to go, the hospital if need be. Every one of my episodes has a beginning, middle and end. They do not last forever. Today I am sane—and I’m like this most of the time! Can you even call me in an episode insane? Does this label even apply?

When I think about my base fears, I can see that they are rooted in this feeling that I am not going to be OK, or safe even. Sponsor Shawn said to me, Am I practicing faith that everything is going to be OK? I think about this a lot. My therapist Matt has told me to look into the mirror each morning and say, “I am safe. I am OK.” I’m experimenting with that and it’s helping.

According to the facts, my fears have no merit. Isn’t it time to let go and see my Higher Power has got me, has ensured I’m safe, I’m protected. Put your faith in the Higher Power and rest easy. Everything is handled. And that’s a fact.

My Favorite Time of Year

 My Favorite Time of Year

Well Fall is here, and that means more comfortable temperatures and beautiful colors in the trees, cooking soups and stews, and wonderful Dr. Levy taking pity on me and lowering my Risperdal dose from 4 mg./day to 3.5 mg. Hooray! I feel crisper, more motivated, and isn’t that wonderful after months and months feeling zoned out and fatigued. I feel greedy, I want to go down to 3 mg. but easy does it, Melissa, I don’t want to tip into an episode like I did in 2022 when I was down to 1.5 mg of the Risperdal.

So I’m just going to enjoy where I am, and proceed with my new water exercise classes I found. They meet twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I’m making new friends. I feel better, stronger, I’m delighted I’m out of the recliner and moving! I’m trying to walk more too, though it’s slower going with me very reluctant to leave my chair in the morning.

 My husband, bless his soul, keeps encouraging me to join him on his morning walks which I promised to do when the weather got cooler. Well, here we are, it’s Fall with temps in the 60s and 70s, perfect for strolling so what’s my excuse? I have none. Just need to push through this initial resistance but that’s hard. Don’t give up trying!

OSU football has started and the Columbus Blue Jackets hockey season starts in a few days. So that will keep me occupied. My writing group is still going strong, something I find very rewarding and I love the fellowship with the other participants. All in all I’m happy, sure I get a little stressed and anxious in the morning but besides that everything is OK. I’ll take it.

On Sunday, October 13 my husband and I celebrate our 23rd anniversary. I can’t believe we’ve been together this long, time flies and all that. We are going out to dinner to Cento, a neighborhood Italian restaurant that recently opened. I’m excited to have the night off from cooking, and to have someone else doing the dinner dishes. 

AA continues to be important to me, and I’m doing my meeting zooms plus attending an in person meeting every now and then. I’ve recently joined a prayer accountability text group with a few guys from Shawn’s sponsee family. Basically, we check in with one another to describe what we are praying for, and offer encouragement to one another. Praying doesn’t come easily to me, and I’m hoping this text group will help with that. 

I continue working with sponsor Shawn on the AA Steps. I’m still on Step 7, parked here because of a current crisis of confidence in my Higher Power, but I’m working through that. Shawn doesn’t push me, and I appreciate that, I’ve got space and time to list my shortcomings and humbly ask Him to remove them. This is a real commitment to my Higher Power, the rubber is meeting the road, and I want to be sure when I complete this step. 

So this is my update for now. It’s a beautiful day today, and I’m going to get out and enjoy it. Easy does it, everyone, bloom where you are planted. See ya.