Monkey Mind

I found another audiobook, a memoir about anxiety called, "Monkey Mind." You know, I think I have to be careful with all this exposure to mental illness literature. Why am I not listening to the other audiobooks I have, "Winesburg, Ohio" or "Lady Chatterly's Lover?" I find I am just getting worked up and triggered and I'm sitting here wondering if I will ever be normal again.

As far as I can understand it, I had that horrible period of three hospitalizations in 2016-2017, and the psychosis that lasted nine months and I am just not the same. I don't know when I am going to pull out of this; and I'm trying to put on a strong front but dear readers, I'm mush inside. I'm an anxious mess, I worry about everything. I never used to be this way I don't think, but then again my memory is toast because of the ECT in 2016 and my meds. Well, it's not completely toast--I'm catastrophizing as most with bad anxiety do.

I've got to make a commitment to myself to seek out gentler, softer reading. It pisses me off that I need to be much more cognizant of potential triggers these days--I berate myself for not being stronger, more centered, more comfortable in my skin. But I'm a wreck. Thank God my mother talked me through a bad period of anxiety this morning. If I can just talk it through, it really helps. Mom understands so well because she has terrible anxiety. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

I just want to understand this anxiety, understand my Monkey Mind, and get the tools for bringing it under control. I have several anxiety audiobooks to listen to, if I can handle it. This whole thing is frustrating and overwhelming. I curse the Gods for giving me bipolar and anxiety to handle. It's a lot. Why do I have to be positive? Why do I have to keep fighting? Sigh...it's a tough time right now.

Limitations and Warning Signs

Well, I have gotten so intrigued by Marya Hornbacher, and wanting to know more about her, that I located her Facebook page and spent most of the day scrolling through years worth of posts...I didn't get to what really needed my attention--two days worth of dirty dishes--until late this afternoon. Keep in mind I am a gourmet cook and I use a LOT of dishes...the house is a mess, but at least I can count on keeping the kitchen clean. These dishes must be done. Period.

And now I'm juiced up and want to write like Mayra, so I wanted to rush here and start plowing ahead....Melissa. Just. Slow. Down.

Take your evening meds. (Check.) Double check pill dispenser to make sure you got everything for the day. (Check. The other day I overlooked my Risperdol and a Gabapentin--they got wedged in a compartment and they are white like the pill container so I didn't notice.) Nothing, I repeat nothing is more important than taking my meds. On time.

Let's just slow down here and take an honest assessment of things. I am on some very powerful medication making household chores, let alone writing, very, very difficult. It takes a yeomans effort just to get those damn dishes done, sheets changed, laundry done, hell taking a shower. I need to keep things simple, my sanity depends on it.

The dream of going back to my writing needs to be put under the microscope of "Let's Get Real." I mean, people I can't read books! Dr. Levy is not going to change my meds, I'm too high risk. How many writers are out there that cannot read?

If you haven't noticed, I'm frustrated, and I want to give up, and I feel like an idiot for thinking I could ever write again. Oh, I don't know what I'm thinking. Sigh. Deep breath. I have limitations. And I don't like it.

Marya and Me

Well, I have finished Marya Hornbacher's "Madness: A Bipolar Life" and I must say it has left me highly motivated to work on my own writing. I found a way to contact her by locating her website on Google and I fired off a kind email asking what meds she was on that enabled her to still read and write. I'm sure she gets tons of email and cannot respond to all of it and I'll never hear back, but boy I wish I did.

Like me, Marya has bipolar type 1 and has been hospitalized numerous times. She is also an alcoholic in recovery. In her book, published in 2007, it said she was on Lamictal and Geodon (among other meds) as the mainstays, plus the anti-depressant Wellbutrin. I was once on the anti-depressant Lexapro when I was under the care of Dr. Zafirides--Dr. Levy has taken me off all anti-depressants, because they lead me into mania.

I doubt Marya is still on the same med-mix today, but she might be. I would just love to talk to her about how she able to read and write while on these meds we must take. I also want to know if she has been able to bring her psychotic manias under control. Was she ever put on Depakote? Risperdol? To be honest, I'm so envious that she can write. I struggle so much. But maybe she is just forcing herself to write something, anything down every day; chiseling away at the block caused by the medicine.

I know I couldn't compose these sentences when I was on the 6 mg Risperdol. It was not until we finally lowered it to 4 mg that things would ease up ever so slightly, so I could come here and begin writing, bit by bit. It's so maddeningly slow. But I do find listening to the Audiobooks so, so helpful. It stimulates my mind, makes me want to write. Which makes me wonder:

Why do I want to write so much? Is this part of the bipolar disorder? The creative passion that so many bipolars have? I think so. I was such an idiot in college, majoring in Government and taking all those classes in Economics. I should have been studying English and taking Creative Writing courses.      I hold a Masters in Public Management. Why? Yes, I did go back and start on a Masters in Journalism with a dream of doing Public Affairs reporting before I had a breakdown and had to pull out. 

I made it to a newspaper and started working as a journalist before the bipolar exploded out. No, it's my humble opinion that bipolars don't belong in the stressful field of the media. Danger, Will Robinson, Danger! Hell, the way the media is going today, no sane person should consider that a viable work option. But I'm rambling here...I'm just pleased that I'm able to do some writing today.

So, I don't know if Mayra will write back but I hope she will. I figured I had nothing to lose by sending an email. Me, I'll keep practicing my writing. One entry at a time.

Taking Stock

Well, its January 2019, a new year, and I have been dealing with bipolar disorder and dreaded medication for seventeen years. I cannot believe that much time has elapsed...where did it all go? Much has been learned, mistakes made, wisdom gained. I feel this incredible desire to share my experience with others. I want to help others suffering from mental illness. Is this normal? Should I just keep to myself and live a simple, private life with my husband?

I am remembering back to 2002 when I was first diagnosed and I found the support group in Columbus "Bipolar Bears." It met on Wednesday nights at 7:00 pm at a church in downtown Columbus. I loved the group and made many new friends. It was there I learned about federal disability benefits and how to apply. We discussed meds we were on, and exchanged horror stories about loony bins. Unfortunately, Bipolar Bears was not to survive. I left the group and lost track of it, but I know it's disbanded now.

Today, I get my group support from a Smith College mental health Facebook support group called "Semicolon Smith." It is a closed group of Smith College alums (and those who have gone to Smith) who are dealing with mental illness. I put up posts of things that are challenging me, and readers respond with uplifting comments. I believe the group was established in 2016. I know I became a regular poster all throughout 2018, and actively support people putting up posts of their own. Now, I do not believe this online support is as good as the face to face group support I got from the Bipolar Bears. But it is better than nothing.

 I firmly believe that my stability today is rooted in the following:

1. Taking all meds, as prescribed, at nighttime and getting 9-10 hours of sleep

2. Seeing psychiatrist at least once a month, sometimes more frequently

3. Seeing talk therapist once a week for 90 minute session

4. Having rituals which include coffee in the morning. Quiet time waking up. No stress.

5. Support group Semicolon Smith where I can connect with others who have bipolar disorder

6. Water exercise at the YMCA. One hour class twice a week.

7. Cooking! My passion, my love. Every night I cook dinner for my husband and me. This has held solid through the entire span of my illness. It is my anchor. My pride and joy. I draw my self esteem from it. It keeps me sane.

8. Writing. I also get a lot of self esteem from my ability to write, to craft beautiful sentences with ease. But this talent has not been reliable. I have had many writer's blocks. The meds interfere. I will just keep pushing through. I may pursue a writer's workshop this year. Maybe. I am going to try and write more regularly here.

9. Close girlfriends. I have two pals from High School that I see regularly, and I am branching out with another. I hope to widen my circle. Female companionship is so, so important; and also they don't have mental illness so we can talk about something else besides it.

10. My mother! God, I'm so glad she's here in Columbus. I talk to her every day, sometimes multiple times a day; we do water exercise together, we enjoy dinners out and music performances. She is my confidant.

11. And last but not least, my husband Michael. He has loyally stood by me the whole way. I tear up when I think about all we have been through. What awaits us in the future? I guess I will just keep on moving forward, day by day. Thank you Michael, for your love, your support. I treasure you. Always.

***

This is a lot of writing today. I'm thrilled! I will keep on practicing. Slowly, patiently. I see Dr. Levy tomorrow and I will report that I am seeing progress. Part of me does feel greedy and wants the Risperdol reduced further, from 4 mg down to 3 mg. Yet deep down I know the likelihood of that happening is very remote. Well, I shall just rejoice that I got this writing done today. I'm proud of myself. More to come!

Audiobooks!

Dear readers I end 2018 with some uplifting news: I am able to listen to Audiobooks, opening up a whole world of books to listen to--books I wanted to read but could not thanks to the Depakote or whatever meds are hampering my ability to sit with an actual book. I've tried, it hurts to read; earlier this year my therapist recommended audiobooks to me and I finally got down to getting a few on my iPad. It's wonderful! I'm so excited!

I am currently listening to "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott, who offers up instructions on writing. I definitely want to get into the suggested routine of writing every day for one hour--maybe I can break through my writer's block. Now that my Risperdol has been lowered slightly I feel more alert and able to come here and compose sentence by sentence; paragraph by paragraph.

The other audiobooks I got are "Madness: A Bipolar Life" and two books by Kay Redfield Jamison. "Madness" is pretty shocking, Marya the author has a very severe form of bipolar type 1, mixed, rapid cycling, which came on at a very young age, back in the 1970s when bipolar wasn't well-understood. I am finding I feel extremely grateful that my bipolar is not that severe--even though I am scared about my manic-psychotic breaks.

I'm excited about this world of audiobooks. What awaits me? Stimulating my mind after a long dormant period is tantalizing to think about. I did have a nightmare last night of my brother dying and I am wondering if this audiobook stimulation is responsible for this? Since I'm on Depakote I don't really remember my dreams, but this one about Chip was vivid and woke me up in the middle of the night. I didn't like it.

I find I want to reach out to other bipolars and those on meds who find they can't read books and tell them about audiobooks. I told Dr. Levy about them. I wonder if he is telling other patients he treats. I wish it hadn't taken me this long to discover them; but given the strong dose of anti-psychotic medicine I was on previously, I guess I wasn't ready for the audiobooks until now.

Well, I will continue my listening, and broadening my education. I'm thrilled with this. Progress!