Debilitating Panic Attack

Yesterday morning I had one of the worst panic attacks I have ever had. I want to record this here so I have something to look back upon if it ever happens again. I awoke with this crippling fear that Michael was dead; which led to what in the world would I do if my husband was gone. I saw myself becoming destitute, going insane, and ending up on some bench downtown, alone and lost. I felt absolutely debilitated, trapped, I couldn’t see a way out. 

I took extra Gabapentin to try and calm myself, but I felt severely impacted by this attack all day. Even after talking with mom, who assured me the family will always take care of me. Michael tried to soothe me when he woke up, assuring me he was alive and well and he would always take care of me. I texted with my social worker friend Katie, who explained morning anxiety happens, it has something to do with the sleep/wake cycle, and I probably had a bad nightmare that carried over.

I spoke to sponsor Shawn on the phone in the afternoon and he helped to calm me and to discern the fear from the facts. I basically realized I have a fear of being abandoned, and an even greater fear of getting sick again, even though the facts are none of this is going on. When I finally got to the kitchen around 4:00 pm and started in on my cooking project for dinner, I completely forgot about the attack, my body relaxed, I felt so much better. I read some of a romance novel after dinner and that further helped to distract me from my troubled day. I also went to a meditation AA Zoom, and the fellowship was extremely helpful.

Today has been basically good, I cut back on my morning coffee amount and had a massage at 11:00 am. I had a twinge of feeling out of sorts after dinner, thinking back on the panic attack, and I wonder if that’s because I’m drinking decaf coffee at night. I have plans to stop that habit soon, and also to give up the nicotine gum. I’m going to take some extra Gabapentin before bed, see if that helps me sleep through the night. I had trouble with waking up in the middle of the night last night.

I guess these panic attacks happen, what helps is:

1. Talking to someone and getting reassurance I am OK

2. Gabapentin 

3. Distracting myself with an activity

4. Cutting back caffeine/nicotine 

5. AA Fellowship

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I’m relieved the attack is over, it was a doozy to be sure. I wasn’t really able to complete the assignment for this week’s writing group, but that’s OK. I’ll go and provide support to the others. I love the fellowship and sharing. OK, I’m going to go up to bed soon. Sleep tight, all.