Fear Itself

 I’ve been struggling with a lot of fear lately, fear of the unknown, fear of the future, fear of my surroundings, fear of being alone. I’m meeting with sponsor Shawn today, and I’m glad I have him to discuss this with, maybe get some direction on how to get a grip again and not be so debilitated by everything. I’m wondering if this is just a phase I’m going through as part of my recovery process from the hospitalization last November? Or maybe the fact that I haven’t seen my talk therapist for three sessions now? A lot of factors are in play, I need to remember that.

I’m angry at Fetter for being unavailable to meet in session, he has never in our 6 1/2 year history left me for three sessions in a row, unavailable for zoom and basically unresponsive to texts. It makes me wonder seriously if at 77 years old he is in a position anymore to provide me with the level of care I need and expect from my treatment team. I realize he has me on a sliding scale, I’m not a top-paying client, so maybe my expectations need to be readjusted accordingly. But I’ve been a mess without my consistent weekly therapy, that’s a fact, and I’m left wondering what to do about it.

Mom has been helpful in our morning phone calls, I know she wants me to be independent, but I’m growing tired with the explaining that I’m far too anxious and fearful to stand on my own two feet. Why don’t the people around me understand this, why can’t they see clearly my limitations, my disabilities that are so glaringly apparent to me? 

Lord knows I’m sick of being afraid all the time, I’m wondering if I’m in a constant state of PTSD, brought on by the repeated manic psychotic episodes? I keep trying to find information on this but there’s nothing out there, and that makes me frustrated and angry and sad all at the same time. Maybe if I was able to be employed I wouldn’t have all this time to think about trauma and fear; but I can’t work and this makes me feel trapped. Oh well, pass another mindless romance novel, anything to distract me from my miserable situation.

I think before I meet Shawn I’m going to go to the library, get some more books to read. I could go to the Zoom with the Y swim group, but I need to escape into my reading. I’m gonna try to turn things around, get reoriented into some positive thinking. OK that’s it for now, time to get moving. Fear, I can’t stand you!