August Psych Appointment

 So today is my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist, 9 months since my last hospitalization, 4 months since those last vestiges of psychosis. For this particular appointment, I am meeting Dr. Levy in person and I have also forwarded to him a bulleted list of notes outlining what’s going on with me right now. Honestly, it’s just a rehash of where I was 4-5 years ago, when I was on 4 mg Risperdone and contending with the side effects of this particular medication. They are as follows:

Great difficulty speaking when in group

Excessive fatigue and sedation

Breakthrough anxiety

Weight gain

Sleeping 10-11 hours a night

Problems with motivation

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But there are some good things I’m doing and I noted that on my list as well:

Rejoining Y this month

Reading entire books

Cautiously driving highway again

Involved in creative writing group

Started walking in the morning

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So I’m going to tell Dr. Levy I don’t want to sound like a broken record, and honestly I’m torn about this Risperdone, on the one hand I want relief from the side effects and to have the dosage reduced but on the other hand, I’m frightened of having another psychotic episode so I’m willing to stay with the 4 mg. I’m sure he hears this stuff from plenty of other patients, I’m not alone. I’ll bet he already knows how this session is going to go today, I think deep down I know too, we need to just stay the course, I need to put up with the side effects, such is my lot in life.

What I maybe want to say is the side effects disable me, and I don’t think that’s fair. Of course I know if I don’t take the meds I’ll end up nuts, so I won’t go down that path, but I’m left feeling despondent and not such a fighter sometimes. One thing I’m maybe not considering is I don’t like the summer heat and perhaps that’s been why I’ve been struggling more lately? Something to consider.

So I guess I’m going to this psych appointment not expecting too much, just grateful that I have an excellent psychiatrist who I trust. We all have our crosses to bear, mine are the med side effects. But let’s stick with what I’m grateful for, certainly I’m pleased and relieved that the psychosis is gone, I’m sane, back firmly in reality. Lord, I don’t want to get manic psychosis again, if that means I have to stay at 4 mg Risperdone then so be it. Maybe I just keep it short and sweet with Dr. Levy, say yeah, I sure hate these side effects but the medicine is exactly where it needs to be.

Back to acceptance again, Melissa? Aren’t we always? Oh sigh and sigh some more. 

Postscript: So the session went well, yes, we are staying at the same dosages of my meds. Time to hunker down and accept the 4 mg Risperdone, at least the Depakote was lowered last year to 750 mg and I have experienced great cognitive improvements. One foot in front of the other, I can do this. I will adapt. And accept.