Pandora’s Box?

 So good morning, dear reader(s), I awoke early today for a change, which I must say I like. I’m still staying up late reading romance novels so I probably haven’t gotten as much sleep as I need, but that’s ok. It’s a chilly, rainy morning outside, and as usual I’m here wrapped up in blankets sipping Joe. The house is quiet, I like it this way, and I know I’m stable because I’m not blaring ‘80s music on YouTube through my headphones first thing in the morning.

 I abruptly stopped listening to YouTube way back in April, dropping it like a hot potato upon realizing that things had not been “quite right” for me all last winter. I’m a little tempted though this morning to take a look at it to see what exactly I was listening to—though that may turn into something akin to Pandora’s Box if I’m not careful. I guess I’m wondering if it’s possible for me to throw myself into manic psychosis simply by listening to certain types of music or starting up some art projects again. Maybe I ask Dr. Levy what he thinks? 

I mean, I don’t want to sit here living in fear of music, of art, heck, even sometimes I’m afraid of the television because I honestly thought it was talking to me last winter. I guess I’m just uncertain as to what stimuli are safe for me to experience, so for the most part now I cut everything off, save listening to classical music when I’m driving or the jazz playlist on Pandora when I’m in the kitchen. But for some reason this morning I want to investigate just what exactly I found so intriguing on YouTube last year…maybe some high I was chasing?

***

Ok, I listened to a few songs on YouTube, don’t feel elevated. Just 80s and some 90s stuff. It’s an absolutely miserable day out today, I’m just gonna shower and stay inside today, read a book to pass the time. I’m feeling OK for the most part, just need to take things slow. 

***

Well, it’s Wednesday morning now, I got up early again, but after going to bed early last night. No more YouTube for the time being, don’t want to poke that sleeping elephant, I just feel nervous about it. I’m just not sure if I can throw myself into mania or not, perhaps I need to consult with Dr. Levy at our session next Monday. Over two decades dealing with this bipolar condition and I still feel like I’m at the mercy of it. My mood is turning sour, time for a readjustment, Thanksgiving is tomorrow after all. Time to call mom and find some laughter. I’m tired of being afraid.