A month earlier:
My husband is productive, while I sit paralyzed with fear in my chair.
There is clutter everywhere upstairs, yet I do nothing to straighten things up.
I’m plagued by flashbacks to traumatic events, they keep reoccurring with little relief.
I’m a mess.
It’s been 7 years crippled by anxiety with no headway made in therapy to improve things.
Is my anxiety caused by my surroundings or do I have miswiring in my brain?
How can I break this inertia and institute change?
Why do I catastrophize about the worst things that never come to pass?
Why don’t I trust that good things will come to pass?
I think my biggest problem is my current inertia and paralysis when confronted with stress; stress of any sort sends me into a tailspin, I become immobile and trapped in panic and worry. I am meeting with a new therapist on Wednesday in two days and I hope he can help me overcome this anxiety, either through tools he gives me, or maybe we might try certain therapeutic techniques to break whatever block is causing my inertia.
I’m stressed and my feet are freezing, I’m miserable with my current situation, I so desperately want change and improvement. Maybe I need to reach out to sponsor Shawn, but what good can he really do right now? Michael is all business today, he doesn’t want to deal with any meltdown from me. I’m angsting over things I cannot control and I need to just let go and let outcomes happen.
***
Today:
The increase in Gabapentin and switch to new therapist Matt is doing wonders. The obsessive, anxious thought loops have been stopped in their tracks; my mornings are calmer, no more break through anxiety plaguing me throughout the day! I actually walked to Matt’s office this week, and we spent time talking about the trauma of my ECT back in 2016. We will begin ART eye movement therapy on it in two weeks.
Matt is challenging my negative thoughts about myself, prompting me to look at things in a positive light. He is encouraging me that I have made a lot of positive growth since I got sober and med compliant in 2017. We are still getting to know one another but I feel good about working with him. We are meeting Wednesdays at 1:00 pm.
Michael and I are getting into little tiffs mostly having to do with trying to control one another. It never works, I should know from my AA experience to let go trying to orchestrate outcomes. We are both under stress with his mom’s dementia. Being a caregiver is mentally draining, no one prepared me for this. But I’ll try to keep my head above water as best I can.
My interest in cooking is waning, I don’t know if this is permanent or something that’s just temporary. I’m scared if I don’t have my cooking to lean back on for stress relief, routine and a sense of purpose. It really feels like a chore, I jump at the chance when Michael suggests a dinner out. I suspect side effects from meds are causing my troubles in the kitchen. Why, why, why?!
It’s February in Columbus, a dreary time, I’ve got problems but so does everyone else. At least the anxiety has died down, hooray for that. I just shed some tears, something very hard for me to do, and it feels cathartic. I got handed a bunch of lemons, and I guess I’m doing my best to make Strawberry-Lemonade. Some days are good, some are bad. Such is life.
That’s it for now.
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