Good Days, Bad Days

 I need to remember that like everyone else, I have good days and bad days. Like yesterday morning, I was gripped by paralyzing fear but this morning I awoke feeling like everything was going to be ok, that Michael and I would handle whatever came our way with his mother’s dementia or our current car situation. I’m wondering if what happens is I have anxiety dreams I cannot remember, and if I wake up from one that impacts how I feel in the morning? Or maybe it’s just what Dr. Levy said about the Gabapentin wearing off from the night before, that’s why I can have rough mornings.

But this morning I feel ok, which is saying a lot because it’s a Monday and those have been hard on me in the past. I don’t have much planned for today, I guess I’ll do some reading of a romance novel, a welcome distraction. I don’t read online news stuff, no newspapers, I actually work hard to keep myself in an stress-free bubble of sorts. Perhaps I will work with Matt on how to open myself up to the outside world more?

Mom continues to be plagued by IBS, she’s hell bent on scouring Google for some answer on how to treat it through food modifications instead of working on how to rein in her anxiety. Our cross to bear has been this anxiety disorder, I’m grateful that my bipolar is under control, yet saddened that the anxiety has been so much more difficult to coral. Fingers crossed that Matt can assist here, along with Levy tweaking the Gabapentin as needed. 

So I have a beautiful chuck roast in the fridge, I’m going to make the Sicilian Beef Ragout with olives and leeks and fennel, it’s a favorite. I feel like cooking today, cooking and reading, I’m blessed to be able to lead this kind of life in my 50s. Michael is joking with me that he wants me to write a smash hit screenplay for a series about a bipolar woman who gets famous, sorry I don’t think that’s my calling, I’ll just keep my little blog here that nobody reads except myself. 

Let’s rejoice that I’m not in manic psychosis today, it’s been almost a year now that I’ve been back in sanity. I’m really, really glad that I kept detailed entries here all throughout the episode from December 2022 until April 2023; now I have something to look back upon to see the workings of my manic mind (which maybe wasn’t as disturbing as I thought it was). One thing that’s definitely clear is when I’m off my rocker I definitely write every day, whereas now the entries here are much more sporadic. I guess no news is good news and all that.

Ok that’s all for now, off I go to enjoy this sunny day. One foot in front of the other, I can do this. Til next time.