Big Changes

 So here we are in February 2024, and I’ve made some really big changes this year. Biggest on the list is I’ve switched talk therapists, leaving Fetter for younger Matt McTeague who has a background in both mood disorders and substance abuse disorders. I went to Matt specifically for assistance in dealing with this crippling anxiety that has plagued me for a good seven years now. Matt uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques and also does this eye movement stuff for trauma—I’ve thought for years that the trauma from all my hospitalizations, the ECT, and being in psychosis has fueled my anxiety. 

Leaving Fetter was extremely difficult to do though, even though I’d been thinking about it for awhile. Fetter was excellent when it came to talking about psychosis, he helped make it less scary, it’s just that I was always left with unmanageable anxiety to contend with in between sessions. I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I’d heard about how successful CBT was for treating anxiety. So when I found out about Matt, I jumped at the chance to get his help. We will see how this goes.

My psychiatrist Alan Levy has also increased my Gabapentin morning and noon doses to help me feel less anxious and stop the obsessive catastrophic thought loops. I’m feeling relief, though I am arguably more sedate. I had begged him for help, what with all the worrying I’ve been doing over my mother in law’s worsening dementia. Thankfully, Dr. Levy did the Gabapentin tweaking just right and I’m feeling better.

I’m also going to try and set goals for myself to move more and execute more tasks at home. I’m resigned to the fact that the 4 mg Risperdal dose is not going to change and I must push back against the fatigue as best I can. I am tempted to beat myself up for being lazy yet I know I have to fight against powerful med side effects that would set anyone back. I’ll always try to be a fighter, I just get frustrated a lot. I wish I had a support group of people who had to be on antipsychotics—but maybe it would just dissolve into one big bitch session. 

As always, I’m so grateful that I’m sane and sober here in 2024. No wandering, no hospitals, no delusions. I’m continuing on with my Creative Writing Group, it really means a lot to me to keep practicing my writing skills. The guys in the group are very supportive and it helps strengthen my sobriety. So things are somewhat good right now. I’ll take that.