Emerging From The Pit

 So here I am, back attempting to write again, clawing my way out of the pit of writer’s block that I have been trapped in for the past, oh, 4 1/2 years? Perhaps longer? It’s a pit created strictly by bipolar disorder medication—which I faithfully swallow every night, 7:00 p.m. sharp, knowing all the while how it destroys my ability to do something I have always loved. 

But never one to completely give up, here I am back trying again to communicate with the written word in a way that will inspire someone…maybe just me? Actually, I’ve come here because I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately and a Google search for anxiety distraction techniques brought up a list of things to do and writing/journaling was on there. So voilà, here I am.

It’s now February 2022, and much has gone on since my last post, most notably the global Covid pandemic which came to the United States exactly two years ago. I won’t go into a big exploration of what this has meant for my country, except to say it has had a significant mental health impact, and people are feeling both anxiety and depression at alarming rates. I’m amazed and thrilled I have not had any episodes or hospitalizations since Covid hit, and I attribute this to a.) my outstanding psychiatrist Alan Levy and his medication management; b.) my talk therapist Dick Fetter and his wise advice; c.) staying completely sober from alcohol and any drugs; d.) my husband and family; and e.) support from friends.

Tragically, I lost my best friend Andi Jeney in January of 2021 to alcoholism and drug addiction. It was a huge blow, and her final decent into the disease sent me running to a 12-Step fellowship for support and guidance. I joined Zoom meetings bringing alcoholics from around the world together to discuss our disease, new ways of living, and ways to find peace and serenity. This has helped make my friend’s passing a little easier for me to process—I mean, I do carry incredible guilt that I am still here standing while she is gone, but I have learned alcoholism is a terrible disease that takes the lives of many. 

I’ve had a chance to think about what’s really important to me now, what I want to do with my life. For years I have been driven by this crazy desire of wanting to write some best-selling book about living with bipolar disorder and alcoholism/addiction—but now I’m just wondering if maybe I accept my limitations and seek out a more simple life of lower expectations, writing only for my pleasure or to process emotions that are troubling me. I’m coming to grips with the reality that I was thrown into high-achieving educational institutions and subsequent jobs, but where did that get me? Breakdowns, hospitalizations, alcohol and drug abuse. Being a housewife now, in a very low stress living situation, is actually quite appealing, in retrospect. Maybe if I take the stress out of wanting to have the crispest, cleanest, sharpest writing and just LET GO and let things flow as they may I might gain some sort of benefit.

I guess today’s entry is sort of free-flowing, but that’s how I am now. I’ll always wonder if the botched ECT session at OSU in October 2016 led to some sort of brain damage in me, though Dr. Levy says that’s not the case. Regardless, I have limitations now in my writing abilities and that’s ok. The point is I have always loved to write and I’m going to continue to try and do so. So this is it for today. Michael wants to walk our Basset hounds together so off I go for some afternoon exercise. Until next time!

Cooking With Gas!

Dear readers I made it! A few days ago, Dr. Levy gave the green light to reduce to 2 mg./day Risperdal, my goal for so, so long, after years waiting, Im finally here! Im already starting to feel more clear-headed and thinking about my writing and I just feel so optimistic. I'm excited where I'm headed, after feeling cognitively impaired for such a long time. I had to muster the patience of Job to get to this point. Dr. Levy is so conservative, and I was so frustrated at times but finally here we are. Hooray!

Now, my dream has always been to write a book about having bipolar disorder and being an alcoholic  in recovery. I have amassed a whole heck of a lot of wisdom over the past 17 years dealing with this situation. I've been in the nut hut nine times, I've met countless people with bipolar disorder, and i want to craft a story of hope for those struggling with this mental illness. I know it will take a lot of time and effort to get this accomplished, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I just need to move forward slowly and methodically. I will use this blog as practice while I continue to chisel away at this writers block. One step at a time. I got this.

I Can See Clearly Now!!

Dear readers I am so, so happy to report that Dr. Levy has reduced my Risperdal to 3 mg and now some of the drug haze is really, really lifting! Hooray! Finally! I have patiently waited two years for this...two years! I can now converse in conversation with others; little things like typing with two hands instead of one; clean-up of the kitchen is much easier and I am cooking more methodically; I am finding it easier to write. I vacuumed the downstairs this morning and I am doing laundry too--a little bit of multi-tasking that hereforto was impossible.

Much has happened since my last post in early April. Sadly, I was not able to go to my high school reunion. I had horrible anxiety before the event and it got too overwhelming. I tried taking an extra dose of my Gabapentin but in the end it was just too much and I was scared I would faint from the stress. Looking back at it, I'm glad I made the decision not to go. My mental well-being has to come first. I am truly realizing what a formidable foe this anxiety is...and that I must take extra precautions to make sure I stay stable.

I also went to my family doctor in May to discuss very painful hip pain I was having. X-rays were taken and I have been diagnosed with mild arthritis. Great. I was given an anti-inflammatory to take for a month and I got on Google to look for more information. It said exercise was needed--now, my water exercise classes are specifically designed for those with arthritis but they are not high-intensity. I could barely muster enough energy to do minimal walking for two years. But I am deeply concerned at how sedentary I have become, and as this drug haze slowly wears off, maybe it's time to think about walking through the neighborhood more. I have to do more!

Finally, with this recent reduction to 3 mg Risperdal, I am thinking about the goal I have always had of getting down to 2 mg and holding there. I'm excited, but also at the same time deeply, deeply afraid of going psychotic again and ending up in the hospital. I still feel limitations in my abilities and I want to be functioning at the highest level I can safely have. I guess at this juncture I just have to trust Dr. Levy and all his wisdom at treating those with bipolar disorder. I just have to put treatment in his hands and continue to do what he says. Right now I have a two month script for 3 mg, and we meet monthly. We'll see where we go.

Happily, my writing ability is coming back! It is so much easier to put sentences together and the words flow. I think I will benefit from practicing here. In so many ways I feel like someone must feel who is recovering from a horrible car accident with head trauma. It takes so much time to recover...and so much work. I look forward to continued progress. 

Spring Has Sprung

Spring has come to our corner of the world, and the weather is warming up. I am starting to perk up more; it's helping that I have almost completely cut out taking the Simply Sleep at night because I now feel more alert during the day and I like that. When Dr. Levy told me I had to stop the Simply Sleep before he'd consider reducing the Risperdol I was initially upset but now I fully understand his reasoning. He wants to see how truly drugged out I am--which I can tell you I am without a doubt. It's just a little less drugged but drugged nonetheless.

With Spring comes the expected Spring cleaning, something I struggle mightily with. I hope my husband can find me some help. I'm just too overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. I've checked with other bipolars and they have this problem too. I can keep the kitchen clean, for the most part, but that's it. Yes, I definitely need a cleaning service to help.

I'm going to cling to Spring because I don't like what follows--summer with temperatures in the 90s. It's horrible for me, I don't do well in the heat, a side effect of my meds. I don't like to be outside at all, and cooking in the kitchen gets unpleasant. No, let's not think about summer! Let's enjoy Spring while it's here.

All in all I am doing okay. Wonder what my purpose is, and other mid-life crisis stuff but for the most  part I'm just taking it One Day At A Time. I'm blessed that I don't have to work, no stress to deal with and make me sick. Things could be much, much worse. Right now all I want is my Risperdol reduced  but I must be patient. I'll try.

Boredom...

Lately I have started to feel bored with my daily routine; wondering what am I doing with my life, maybe I should be doing more. My week is fairly simple: Tuesday and Friday mornings I have water exercise with Mom; Thursday morning I have tai chi followed by talk therapy and a massage.   Mondays and Wednesdays are free. I do my cooking every afternoon for the evening meal. Weekends I cook brunch and dinner.

I am left feeling I should be doing more--more housework, maybe a volunteer job, something, anything. Instead I spend hours scrolling through Facebook on my iPad. Granted, it calms me, keeps me stable. I wouldn't necessarily say I'm addicted to Facebook--it is just something to occupy the time in between my activities.

My husband is encouraging me to read more, but as I indicated in an earlier post I have great difficulty reading books. I stopped listening to audiobooks I'm not sure why. I think I am in a funk. Spring is on the horizon and that means clean up...something I struggle with. But I am committed this year to clean up the outside of the house. Bagging leaves, cleaning up the porch. I get tired easily but I am going to push through.

I suppose I should be grateful that I don't have to work and my husband takes care of us with his investment income. But lately I have been bored. I need more activities. Maybe it is a good sign that I am bored, maybe this will push me to expand my horizons. We'll see what happens. I want change!

Setting Goals: High School Reunion

A big goal I have set for myself this year is going to my 35th High School reunion. I have stayed away from reunions in the past, either sick or too overwhelmed and ashamed of my mental illness. But this year I am feeling good and somewhat confident enough to gather with my classmates for the festivities.

The reunion is at the end of April, so I have some time yet to prepare. I went to an all-girls school with 45 in my class; probably about 25 or so will come. We have a photograph taken on Friday then a brunch at one of my classmate's house on Saturday. I have made arrangements to go to the Friday activity with a classmate I trust, because I am very nervous about going back to the school, the Columbus School for Girls.

Part of the reason this is so hard for me is I am so very different from the Missy that my classmates know from high school. I used to be very outgoing and confident, high energy, creative, such a zest for life. Today I am very introverted, very flat, I don't talk much. My meds are responsible for some of this, but also I have been hospitalized so many times that I have been impacted negatively. I am, however, hoping that as I have more time stable under Dr. Levy's care my self confidence will build.

Another thing that will be hard is I am going through the weekend completely sober. The photo session on Friday is accompanied by a cocktail party and that will be challenging. Then there may be some classmates who want to go out and celebrate and I have to say no to that. But I talked to my mom and she will be available by phone to talk me through tough spots and my husband will be at home waiting for me with open arms.

I guess I need to not overthink this reunion. Just go and have a good time. Find out what classmates are doing. I'm nervous but I've got my therapy sessions to talk it through and my mom to listen when I call. It's going to be okay. I might even have fun!

Pot and Bipolar

I found myself really tested last week when a friend offered to buy me pot to help me laugh more. I do so hate being flat from the Risperdol and God knows I smoked a lot of weed over the past years, trying to combat the side effects of my meds.

But two years ago my husband and I gave up pot and alcohol--we now are completely sober and I have been episode-free and out of the hospital. I know in my heart of hearts that as a bipolar type 1 with psychotic features pot in particular is just not good for me. I have to give it up.

I'm sad about this, kinda angry at times, and I even found myself agreeing with my friend that I did need pot, before coming to my senses and telling her no, don't get it for me. I did some research on Google and found quite a few bipolars use weed, so I'm not alone in wanting it. But as an alcoholic in recovery, I have no business doing mood-altering substances. Period.

I also have two times I remember where I was smoking a lot of pot and went psychotic. Bad psychosis. No, all the evidence is there that pot is a no-go for me. I have to be honest that I am very envious of those who can use weed safely. I wish it was like that for me. I am hoping that the more time I have sober I will not miss it as much. I am hoping that I will learn to laugh naturally. Will this come in time?

Now I believe if my Risperdol is lowered I will become more animated again. I'm still at 4 mg/day and Dr. Levy is conservative and holding me here for the time being. I want to get down to 2 mg but I know from past experience not to tinker with my meds. I must follow instructions and be patient. It's so hard. Dr. Levy would never approve of me smoking pot, and might refuse to treat me if I did. I cannot risk losing him as my psychiatrist, he's the best in Columbus. No, no pot for me.

So I will move forward in my sobriety, day by day. It's nice having a clear head. I have my daily activities and cooking to enjoy. This is a new me. I am maturing. We'll see where I end up. At peace, I hope. I hope.