Why Do I Feel Off?

 So I continue to feel off around an hour after I take these pills. I’ve narrowed things down to the hefty dose of Gabapentin I’m on (felt sick after taking my noon dose), so two days ago I shaved off 400 mg from my noon dose. We shall see how I do. So far, so good. I want to reduce from 4,800 mg down to 3,200 mg/day eventually. Can I get there?

 I just feel in my gut that I’m on way too much of this med and it’s making me sick. I tried to bring my concerns about it to Dr. Levy but he kinda brushed me off. I have an appointment with my PCP Doug Schumacher next week and I’m going to ask him if he thinks I’m on too much Gabapentin. 

The problem is what other anti anxiety med is there out there for me if the Gabapentin isn’t used? Buspar? I’m not allowed to be on an SSRI so my options are limited. I’m very frustrated and just want to get back to feeling better. I was experiencing almost total relief from anxiety at the hefty dose of gabapentin I was on, but now I don’t feel well and that sucks. So back to the drawing board.

One thing I have noticed is if I push through the sick feeling and just do my walking or water exercise I tend to feel better afterwards. When I’m sedentary I feel worse. So I’m just going to get moving more. I got Michael to take me to a local park to see a bison herd and then we hiked down to a creek bed, I got over 8,000 steps, which is really good for me! 

Maybe what I’m going through is just natural aging stuff, but no, I’m 59 and I should be feeling better than I do. I can pinpoint when I started feeling off, it was exactly a year ago, and I had given up chewing nicotine gum and having occasional cigarettes at mom’s place. I’m now completely nicotine free and I’m having a lung scan tomorrow to see if there is any damage to my lungs we need to be concerned about. 

I’m nicotine free, no more alcohol, weed or cigarettes. So why aren’t I feeling better? It’s a mystery, I blame all these meds I take. But I’m definitely going to continue to be med compliant, that’s not going to change. Maybe we chalk my ailments up to being an aging bipolar with anxiety and Graves’ disease. I’m perhaps not supposed to be feeling good all the time.

 Let’s not forget I’m presently 50 lbs. overweight. What are we going to do about that? Do I try GLP-1 weight loss drug injections? I really don’t want to do that. Embark again on a quasi-Keto diet? That just makes me feel like shit. What to do…just lean into acceptance? Perhaps.

So I’ll keep an update on how I’m doing. The doctors, so far, haven’t helped me. One year feeling “off” is a long time to be suffering. I want answers. I guess I have to be my own advocate. Sigh.

Physically Off

 Good morning reader(s), I report I’ve been going through a period of not feeling well physically. I can’t really verbalize my symptoms, it’s just a sense I have of feeling “off” and kinda like these medications I’m on are too strong for my system. I keep waiting for this situation to resolve itself but nothing improves. What’s going on?

I asked Dr. Levy if something was wrong with my med dosages and he said no, what was happening was I have gone through a very intense anxiety episode over Dr. Larrimer announcing his retirement in July. Basically my body is still reacting to that, and needs time to recover. 

This explanation sounded a little like a brush off of my concerns; I was thinking maybe this 112 mcg dose of levothyroxine was too high, but no, Dr. Levy wants it remaining where it is. Honestly it’s exhausting trying to figure out what’s causing me to feel unwell. I’m constantly questioning the meds, but I really have no idea what’s causing this. 

I’m left wondering how long I’m going to feel this way. Will it just continue to be an issue for the rest of my life? It’s so friggin tempting to start tinkering with that hefty Gabapentin dose I’m on, start lowering it, even though I’ve got ample experience showing me that the anxiety comes roaring back if I do that.

Speaking of anxiety, I’ve had extremely blissful mornings since switching to half-caff coffee. I’m going to make a commitment to decaf coffee eventually. I wish I had done this sooner! Now what’s left is to get moving more, get out of this chair. That’s proven to be a very hard thing to do, I’m entirely wedded to staying seated and sedate.

My thinking now is try to improve the way I’m physically feeling by increasing my step count. Michael is trying to nudge me to move more, and Matt is being more forceful about it. Dr. Levy has been after me to move for years. I know I can commit to this, just need to push myself. Ok, I’m headed out for my morning walk. One foot in front of the other!

Relief? New Changes

 Hello there reader(s), I report I’ve made changes to my morning routine and I’m feeling better! Morning anxiety isn’t plaguing me as much, which is a blessed relief! Here’s what I’m doing:

I am now drinking only two cups of Starbucks “Half Caff” in the morning. I go on a 10-minute walk after my first cup of coffee. I have a banana sometimes before the walk, sometimes after. I do the walk even on mornings when I have the pool class. This combined reduction in caffeine and increased movement in the morning has really lessened my anxiety. Both were suggested by my friend Julie, yet Dr. Levy has been after me to exercise for 8 years.

I told Matt I wanted to shower more frequently so he suggested bathing on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ve been experimenting with the Sunday and Wednesday but have yet to include the third day, Friday. But today is Friday so I’m thinking I will get in and rinse off, so I have something to report to Matt next week. Plus it makes sense since I’m in the pool Tuesdays and Thursdays and I should be washing the chlorine off my body.

It was difficult for me to admit I needed help bathing more than once a week. I feel ashamed that I am not taking better care of my hygiene. Michael doesn’t feel like it’s a problem; but I’m concerned enough that I’m working to implement a change in habits.

 I’m also starting now to brush my teeth in the morning as well as at night. I have been doing nightly brushing for a long time (with repeated prompts from Michael). It’s so tempting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out WHY I struggle so much to brush my teeth and shower. I’m not depressed (I don’t think), so it must be the meds making things difficult. But as Matt would say, who gives a fuck about the Why, let’s focus on changing things, improving things.

I’m almost weaned off the Simply Sleep I was taking during that awful period of high anxiety I just went through. The media has been abuzz about how these OTC aids like Benedryl cause dementia; I asked Dr. Levy about it and he didn’t really believe that was true. He said using the sleeping aids sparingly and in small amounts was ok. My PCP Dr. Schumacher said the same thing. I think it’s best right now to be off of it. So that’s what I’m doing.

I’m having a productive day of doing laundry and organizing kitchen cabinets. Tonight I’m making roasted salmon with cherry tomatoes and shallots, along with an eggplant and cucumber stir fry. At least my cooking has remained a constant all throughout my bipolar and anxiety journey. I need to remember it’s like mom says, we all have assets and liabilities. Things we can do and things we can’t (or don’t want to) do. 

Let’s live just for today, keep it One Day At a Time. I do best when I live this way. Stay in the present, Melissa. Have a good day.

Writing Prompt: Poetry

Writing Prompt: Try your hand at writing a haiku or diamanté poem.

Neurodivergent

Need prompts to brush teeth.

Rewear socks days in a row.

Yet master many words.

Resilience (Sisyphus Tale)

Push to overcome

Fight temptation to give up

I can’t no option.

Mom’s recent poetry:

Patience

The last virtue to appear

Deep breathing brings it near

Physically slows the heart

Delays a hasty start.

Calms the high anxiety

Of what could be

Versus doing what one can.

And standing calm

For life’s inevitable stress

Not careless

But saying privately

One can handle whatever

Is to be.

Macro-Micro

I read recently in some place

An astounding idea of outer space:

The possibility of many universes linked

In ways beyond my ken I think.

So since I live in this changing time

Where all expands beyond my mind

Why do I continue to insist

On my own importance in this mist?

A teeny,tiny spec of sand

Insignificant

Yet to myself so grand

Logic will not answer this

The senselessness

Of the abyss.

Therapy Assignment: FEAR? Face or Flee?

FEAR?  Face or Flee?

The assignment is write a short piece telling anxiety, fear and worry to fuck off. I find I can utter these words out loud but do I really mean it? Lord, am I ready to throw off this incredible beast of anxiety holding me down; gripping my neck tight and throttling me within an inch of my life. All I do is worry and panic, getting frightened so easily by the smallest things. 

The current stressor du jour is that my endocrinologist of 25 years announced he is retiring, and I’m panicking that I won’t find a suitable replacement for him. I’ve been in an ongoing state of high anxiety for a week, requesting the addition of some new medication to give me relief. Dr. Levy turned that down, believing the stress will resolve in time, and that I have the fortitude to weather this storm.

I’m already on a large dose of anxiety medication, Gabapentin, which helps some but doesn’t protect me from anxiety breakthroughs. So I’m out here floundering, dealing with a tightened stomach, rapid heartbeat at times, and obsessive thoughts of fearful scenarios that swirl around in my head. All of this absolutely exhausts me, and keeps me trapped in my recliner most of the time. I need to break free of this. I can’t stand it anymore!

I’ve temporarily halted all my exercise, the weather outside is too oppressive for walking, and my thoughts are too disorganized and chaotic for me to operate a motor vehicle and drive all the way to the pool. My therapist Matt is going to challenge me, and give me a hard time for being cloistered inside and sedate. I don’t have the strength to argue with him. I’ll just say I’ll try to get back to my routine on Thursday, when the weather is better.

The worst thing I’m dealing with is a tightening of my mid section, my stomach area; it’s in a knot that won’t unwind. I’m thinking an Ativan or hit of weed would settle things right down, but no, that’s not for me anymore. Shawn says pray and the anxiety will go away. I don’t believe him, so I don’t pray. I’ve asked others to pray for me though, which they kindly have agreed to do.

Now back to my original assignment, telling this anxiety and fear monster to fuck off. I need to summon up some self esteem and a backbone to do that. Some self confidence to stand up and really challenge my central nervous system to get back in line so I can relax like I want to. 

I guess I took the easy way out and instead did an easy 4 minute session of Box Breathing on Insight Timer, followed by some 4-7-8 breathing exercises designed to help you release tension and find calm, in the face of an anxiety attack. Honestly this helped some, but the tension is still there. Will it always be?

I think I’ll compose a Haiku about my inability to architect a brutal response to anxiety. Did I fail this assignment? Maybe Matt will grant me some leniency.

FLIGHT NOT FIGHT

Feet far from the ground

Anxiety won this round

No fucks to be found

Challenges

 Hello again, dear reader(s). After a nice long run of fairly pleasant mornings, it’s back again to the early morning (4:00 am) wake ups, tossing and turning in bed until I arise around 8; then being gripped by worry and fear from around 8:00 am until 10:00 am. I’m on rinse and repeat, which exhausts me. 

I keep wanting to go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out why this is happening to me. But my therapist tells me that’s a complete waste of time, and to just get myself the hell out of my chair and get out and get walking, to break the anxiety train in half. I have been forcing myself to do ten minute morning walks and I have to say that it’s helping!

Honestly readers, I’m getting mighty tired of complaining to others about my anxiety disorder. I just want to quietly work to manage this beast with the tools I’m getting in therapy, and keep to myself when I have the anxiety attacks. I’ve been using my elderly mother as my sounding board for too damn long. I need to remember that the anxiety is only bad on certain mornings, and only for a two hour window. Then it fades as my medication kicks in. I can get through this.

My other challenge, the bipolar with psychotic features disorder, is actually well under control and has been for a good long while. My medicine cocktail of Depakote (a mood stabilizer) plus Risperdal (an antipsychotic) has worked beautifully to keep my moods regulated and ensure I don’t experience manic psychosis. This means I’ve stayed out of the psych ward, and what a blessed relief that is! 

Now, all is not totally peachy keen, as my meds have some very challenging side effects, including cognitive impairment, memory loss, weight gain, hair loss, and fatigue and sedation. But as I said earlier, I’m getting kinda tired of complaining about my situation, and instead I’m kinda tempted to just quietly accept things as they are. “Acceptance is the answer” from AA seems fitting when thinking about my meds.

I’m much more than my mental health conditions, and I’d like to move forward out of the worry and fear and into enriching activities to fill up my days. I do have my water exercise classes, my cooking projects, and my gatherings with friends and family. I’m trying to identify a volunteer opportunity that I might like. I’m looking into planning a trip to the Hocking Hills with my husband and hound dog. Keeping myself occupied is important; it helps me to overcome challenges. 

Well, that’s all for today, thanks for tuning in, always remember to let whatever you do today be enough. Easy does it, and all that. Catch ya later!

Writing Prompt: I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

 Prompt: Feeling out of sorts? Write about not feeling like yourself.

I Just Don’t Feel Like Myself Today

When you have to deal with bipolar disorder, and add to that contend with a wonky thyroid gland, it’s been my experience that you go through many, many days not feeling like you’re supposed to. I went through a three month stretch this past winter of feeling completely overwhelmed with anxiety, caused by doctors making changes to my thyroid medication dose. It was awful, and I wore down my support people with all my angst and complaining. Thank God I’m finally adjusted to my medication.

When my bipolar medication isn’t at the correct dose, or I’ve embarked on strange diets that alter my metabolism which in turn affects my bipolar meds, I can quickly escalate into psychotic mania. I lose touch with reality, and I definitely start behaving in ways that are not like my normal self. 

I get grandiose, believing I’m a superstar or a prophet, with special abilities and talents. I throw random things away in the trash, believing I need to send “messages” to the City. I can go on spending sprees, buying bizarre items that when I return to sanity, I end up not liking and wanting to get rid of because it’s painful to look at them.

In a way, my manias traumatize me, because I do things and say things (like wander downtown, talking out loud to myself) that later cause me deep embarrassment when I think about them. I know it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t feel so ashamed but I can’t help it. Losing my mind is not something I’m proud to admit.