Hard Mornings

 So I’m having another difficult morning, filled with fear and anxiety about things I can’t quite name. We have had Spring forward daylight savings time and I’m wondering if that’s responsible for the angst I’m feeling right now. I try to remember that Dr. Levy said my evening gabapentin dose has worn off by the morning, so if I just wait until the morning dose kicks in, I’ll soon be fine. But it’s hard getting through these initial hours.

I called mom, as usual, noting the fatigue in her voice this morning, and I’m realizing she is just getting too old to be constantly talking me through these morning anxiety periods. I feel so alone, even though Michael is here, I am alone and afraid. I hate that my 50s have been so challenging, will I get relief in the next decade? 

It’s cold on this Sunday, after days of mild, springlike weather. I’m going to try and divert my attention to another feel-good romance, I keep plowing through them at record speed. I did order a creative non-fiction  writing textbook from the library, on the recommendation from Andy in my writing group. I do have that going for me, my writing circle every Saturday afternoon and I truly treasure that group. I don’t know how long we will keep going, but we are coming up on a year together. Isn’t that great?

Oh my God, I just looked outside and there are snow flurries coming down hard, guess Old Man Winter isn’t done with us yet. Yep, I’ll stay bundled up inside today, and maybe I can talk Michael into ordering a pizza for dinner tonight . I’ve been cooking up a storm lately and I can use a break. I’m starting to feel better, getting my toe-hold back, everything is going to be OK. Maybe I need to stop calling mom in the morning, instead checking in in the afternoon when I’m calm? Something to think about.

That’s it for now. I’m stable, I’m safe. I’ll take that.