Touch of Spring

 So temps are in the 70s today, it’s feeling like Spring Has Sprung, though it might be a tad early to say that. I’ll be leaving shortly to take Lily on her afternoon walk, and I’m looking forward to stretching my legs after spending so much time in my recliner. I’m worried about my sedentary nature, yet obviously not pained enough to take any concrete action to change things. It’s kinda like I’ve given up, maybe it’s the toll from the Covid pandemic, maybe it’s the meds….oh, I’m sick of trying to figure it out.

This past weekend I read back over the entries here from 2014, and that just ended up getting me very, very upset. My psychosis then is in full display, I was so very sick and screwing around with my meds, drinking, smoking pot, I was trying to work and failing, my marriage was strained, I just was so screwed up. How many years of my life were wasted by not following directions, abusing substances, not understanding my illness? I’m trying to hold on to AA wisdom, “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” Yet I’m full of regrets right now.

I’m wondering about my blog here, if it’s helpful having episodes recorded here that only seem to cause pain when I read back over them. I guess I’m keeping a track record of my disorder’s cycles, the mania build up, the psychotic grip, then the long, slow recovery. What stage am I in now? I guess this is I’m recovered from the last episode of October 2022-March 2023, and in kind of a calmish, holding pattern if you will. I’ve been here before, August 2017-September 2022 was fairly stable, except for the anxiety plaguing me throughout. 

I want to know the future, how long will this current stability last? I guess no one can say. It’s tough having uncertainty about your sanity hanging over your head, I’m amazed I’ve lived with this for over two decades. It’s no wonder I’m anxious, who wouldn’t be if faced with this situation? Oh how I wish my bipolar didn’t have the psychotic features, the grandiosity attached! Oh well, nothing I can do about it, it is what it is. I’m not going to be ashamed anymore, this illness is not my fault.

I’m sorta rambling today, it’s just been that kind of day. Making Pasta Puttanesca for dinner tonight, then I have Shawn’s sponsees zoom afterwards. I continue to plow through assorted romance novels, I’ve lost count of how many I’ve read since I started last summer. It’s a welcome diversion from angsty thoughts. I guess I’ll leave things here, time to walk Lily. Adios for now.