Sunday Check-In

 So I fell asleep in my chair at 8:30 last night, and after going up at 11:00, I slept until 6:30 this morning. I’m feeling good, the morning dose of Gabapentin has kicked in, so I don’t feel troubled or stressed which is great. Still struggling with motivation and moving, but maybe that’s just how it’s going to be. Michael is busy doing tasks this morning, perhaps I just let him do the heavy lifting and I sit back and relax.

Tonight is the AA memorial meeting for Dan, who committed suicide in Mexico last month after his wife Jess died. I am not going to the in person meeting, I’m going to attend via Zoom. Just want to be a little removed from the service, after participating directly with Jess’s service last month. These deaths really rattled me and I need a little space to just keep my wits about me.

This summer has been tough for me, just like years past, with the oppressive heat and now humidity. I read that it’s the Risperdal that makes me heat intolerant, oh well, no going to Florida anytime soon. I’m biding my time indoors in the AC, back to my brown recliner which gets so much use these days. Could be worse, I keep telling myself that.

No real plans for today, I’ll probably read though I should be bagging up old clothes for donation to Salvation Army. I’ll get to that someday. Gratefully, the house is clean, we had cleaners come two days ago and they did a marvelous job with the kitchen and bathrooms, and dusting everywhere and mopping the entire downstairs. Michael was pleased so we will be having them back, which makes me so very happy.

So in a nutshell what I am able to do with great precision and every day is prepare excellent meals, and keep the kitchen clean, do the dishes every night, and do the necessary grocery shopping. I can hang my hat on that, I’m dependable in that regard. I guess it gives me purpose, which is what I want. Oh, and I’m able to do my laundry and get the sheets cleaned, so I’m not a one-trick pony after all.

I’ll always wish I could do more, but the medication is just too disabling. No more fighting it though. Enough is enough. I’m 58, post-menopausal, I’m tired, it is what it is. Pass me a book and a cool drink. Crank up the AC. Another summer spent hermiting in place. That’s me. Just biding my time until Fall. Can’t come soon enough!

Writing Prompt: A Glimpse Of Peace

 Prompt: Pick a human experience and describe it.

A Glimpse Of Peace

I had a very profound moment a few weeks back that I’d like to share. It was morning time, I was gripped with crippling anxiety again, and in desperation I closed my eyes and said a prayer to my Higher Power to take away my difficulties, just take it, take my worries and help me. 

When I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, I felt the most wonderful feeling of pure peace come over me. I was completely amazed, I never really pray like I’ve been told to do, I didn’t think prayer would work for me. But I did it and I immediately experienced a taste of peace I have wanted for so very long.

Peace for me that morning was being calm, feeling extremely relaxed in my skin, eased from troubles and worries, breathing deeply and feeling present in the moment. I felt total contentment, I was free from trying to control outcomes. I was in true acceptance of myself and my surroundings, I wasn’t fighting anything anymore. 

Humans are often rushing around, stressed beyond belief, or in my case the opposite, frozen and panicked about some unknown future scenario. Being able to experience a state of peace, no matter how brief, is a blessing. It’s a transformative experience, it’s a quieting of the turmoil plaguing us. In a word, peace is beautiful.

My goal is to be able to experience this taste of peace much more frequently, to tap into it every morning if possible. I definitely need to become more comfortable with prayer. I will work with sponsor Shawn on that. Right now it may be going against my nature to attain a peaceful state, but that does not mean things can’t change. Easy does it. It’s practice, not perfection. Deep breath. I got this.

Therapy Assignment

 Assignment: a) Why am I my biggest enemy? b) Write about being at peace.

Why Am I My Biggest Enemy?

I think I get into trouble because I sabotage myself by constantly comparing myself to others, and berating myself for not being like the person I am comparing to. Examples include not having a clean house like others, and not walking 10,000 steps a day like my husband. My grandmother used to say, “Comparisons are odious.” I need to remember that wisdom.

When I am caught up in constantly comparing myself to others it does nothing but make me feel like shit and wrecks my self-esteem. I become unable to find joy in what I do well, like cooking and writing, for example. So why do I do this? Why have I become my biggest enemy? Maybe I am a perfectionist, with unrealistic expectations of what I think I should be achieving. Maybe I’m not comfortable with just being me, flaws and all, with shortcomings. 

Maybe I have a fierce Inner Critic, who I think is supposed to keep me in line? Hold me up to impossible standards set by some unknown authority figure from my youth. I’m extremely hard on myself, have been for as long as I remember. Despite the disabling impact of my bipolar medication, I still want to achieve something great—and I punish myself for falling up short. 

Yes, I have become the enemy, ripping apart my self-esteem, and standing in the way of me finding serenity and peace. Help me to help myself. Please.

A Glimmer Of Peace

I had a very profound moment a few weeks back that I’d like to share. It was morning time, I was gripped with crippling anxiety again, and in desperation I closed my eyes and said a prayer to my Higher Power to take away my difficulties, just take it, take my worries and help me. 

When I opened my eyes and took a deep breath, I felt the most wonderful feeling of pure peace come over me. I was completely amazed, I never really pray like I’ve been told to do, I didn’t think prayer would work for me. But I did it and I immediately experienced a taste of peace I have wanted for so very long.

Peace for me that morning was being calm, feeling extremely relaxed in my skin, eased from troubles and worries, breathing deeply and feeling present in the moment. I felt total contentment, I was free from trying to control outcomes. I was in true acceptance of myself and my surroundings, I wasn’t fighting anything anymore. 

My goal is to be able to experience this taste of peace much more frequently, to tap into it every morning if possible. I think one key may be to defeat the Inner Critic. That is going to take some work. I definitely need to become more comfortable with prayer. I will work with sponsor Shawn on that. This is about progress, not perfection. I need to keep reminding myself of that too.

Readjusting the Anxiety Med

 Well I spoke too soon, the anxiety came back, resulting in weepy phone calls to mom in the morning and afternoon too. After a discussion with her yesterday, I consented to go back up the 400 mg dose of my Gabapentin at noon time. So in total for the anxiety I’m taking 4,000 mg Gabapentin, spaced out between four intervals a day. I guess I feel a touch defeated but I’m trying hard to not get down about it.

 I’m pushing really hard into acceptance of the meds and their side effects; I’m so exhausted from bitching about it. I think if I had more things going on in my life to occupy me I would be happier. So I’m gonna look around for more opportunities to do things, what I’m not exactly sure but something will come up.

In the interim I keep myself occupied with writing, reading and cooking. Doesn’t sound like much but it’s what I do. Mom and I have a water aerobics class starting up next month, so that’s something to look forward to. I have therapist Matt and AA sponsor Shawn working with me weekly. And husband Michael and mom watching over me. Plus friends I keep in touch with. Things are OK.

I feel the Gabapentin kicking in and I feel better. My life consists of trade-offs. More sedation but less worry and fear. I accept it’s worth it to be free of panic even if the cost is some grogginess. I’m wondering if I need a support group of people on bipolar meds? Perhaps I’ll investigate. Ok enough for now. Time to rest.

Writing Prompt: Grant Me The Serenity

 Prompt: Write about what the Serenity Prayer means to you.

Grant Me The Serenity

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

I really like the Serenity Prayer. Really. Any time, anywhere I encounter difficulties, I can just quietly recite this prayer and feel some semblance of peace. There’s a reason most AA meetings have attendees recite this prayer at the opening or closing; it just puts one in a good place. 

I’ve been struggling for the past month, and relying on the Serenity Prayer more and more. In particular, lately I’ve been extremely aggravated and frustrated that I must take certain medication for my bipolar disorder that has terrible side effects of fatigue, lack of motivation, and some cognitive impairment, among other things. The current heat wave we are having is making things even worse and I’ve felt powerless and depressed.

But then I thought about the Serenity Prayer and how I might apply it to this situation. First, I must accept that I cannot change the fact that I have to take this medication, as prescribed. I’ve done the rodeo of tinkering with dosages on my own, or skipping doses completely, basically not being med compliant and all that led to was repeated hospitalizations. I’m stable now, I’m sane, and that is of upmost importance. My medicine works. So no changing it.

That leaves me with these side effects I can’t stand, a common complaint from those taking bipolar medication. Can the Serenity Prayer be of help? Well, let’s think about courage to change the things I can. I’ve been consulting with my psychiatrist and therapist about things I can do to combat the fatigue and motivational struggles I have. Suggestions include getting myself out of my recliner and taking a walk in the morning; and breaking down chores to short, manageable tasks. 

As for my cognitive impairment, I’m doing things like actively participating in this writing group, working on written pieces to keep the creative juices flowing. Some weeks it’s easier to write than others, but I remain committed to doing the best I can. There was a time when I was on a higher dose of one of my meds and I couldn’t write at all. I’m extremely grateful that I eventually had that med adjusted and I can share my written words with you today. I am also an avid reader of books, and I recently decided to join a book club. I think the discussions will be good for me, and I can further push myself cognitively to engage with others. 

Life is always going to hand you curveballs, and this bipolar medication I have to take is one of them. But knowing that although I have to take meds, I can work to mitigate the negative impacts does give me some of that sometimes elusive serenity I so desperately seek. That’s what brought me back to AA almost 4 years ago, the search for peace and serenity. Thank goodness the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer is spoken at all my meetings, and I’ve learned how to incorporate it in my life today. Chalk this up to the prayer works if you work it. Some serenity granted. Guaranteed. I’ll certainly take that. Wouldn’t you?

Accentuate The Positive

 So I thought maybe it was time to reflect on some positive things going for me right now; I get so bogged down moaning about the med side effects that it gets very depressing to hear. Plus it’s repetitive, it’s the same old bitching about fatigue and lack of motivation, blah, blah, blah. Enough already. Time for a Gratitude List, haven’t done that in awhile, so here goes:

Gratitude List In A Heatwave

1. I’m sane and sober. No wandering outside in the heat; no hungover headache to contend with, or guilty regrets.

2. I’m inside in the AC; completely comfortable and cool. 

3. I’m well hydrated, glass of ice water at my side.

4. My husband Michael is here, taking care of me and Basset Lily.

5. I have my books and the TV to occupy me.

6. Mom or my friends are a phone call away if I start to feel isolated.

7. I can practice my writing.

8. I can create cold dishes for us to enjoy for dinner.

9. I can Zoom an AA meeting.

10. I have a fan in the bedroom so I can sleep comfortably at night.

***

It’s oppressive outside right now but I’m completely comfortable here inside. How fortunate I am. Things appear to be working well with that slight reduction we did last weekend with my Gabapentin. I feel alert this afternoon. I like that. If things continue to go well I will ask Dr. Levy if we can reduce my 4:00 pm dose by 400 mg. I won’t push it, but it might be something we consider. Right now I think my anxiety is well-controlled. What a relief!

I’m making tacos for dinner tonight, easy meal to prepare and I won’t be using the stove for that long. I make a special tomato avocado salsa that we love, I’ve been doing this recipe for years. I know it by heart. Tomorrow is my writing group, we are reflecting on the Serenity Prayer. I suggested this prompt, thought it would be a good exercise for the group. 

Stay cool everyone. This heatwave will end soon. Only a few more days to go. That is, until the next one. But we won’t think about that. Signing off from my corner of the globe. Until next time.

Med Tweaks

 So I had a crappy night’s sleep, couldn’t fall asleep til midnight, then up at 5:00 a.m. and unable to go back asleep. Haven’t had one of these disruptions in awhile, so I guess I’ve been fortunate. Pass the coffee, and nicotine gum, and I’ll try to gut through this first day of a 6-day heatwave descending upon the city.

To combat the sedation and muddled feeling I have from the elephant dose of Gabapentin I’ve been taking for my anxiety, Dr. Levy gave me the AOK to reduce my noontime dose down 400 mg. I started that two days ago and I do feel clearer-headed. No fear or panic in the morning, so I’m grateful for that. I’m keeping a close eye on things, which in a way gets tedious and prevents me from just living life; but that’s the thing with crippling anxiety, it debilitates you. 

But fortunately my status right now is the bipolar is under control; the catastrophic thinking has been arrested; I’m managing to keep up with my cooking and some miscellaneous chores. My husband is doing a lot of the chores I let fall by the wayside, so that’s good, we haven’t descended into complete disarray. I continue to devour the romance novels but I’m taking a deviation into more challenging stuff. I’m joining a book club with the gals from my old swim group. 

What’s left to navigate this week is the heatwave; I’ll be staying indoors in the AC and either streaming Netflix or reading. I’m planning on serving cold dishes for dinner, so I’m not slaving over a hot stove. If my life sounds boring it’s because right now it kinda is. It’s safe, it’s predictable, and honestly I like it that way.

Ok that’s it for now, I’m too exhausted to write any more. Stay cool and all that. Later.

Writing Prompt: The Window Box

 Prompt: Describe a person, place or thing that brings you joy.

The Window Box

German Village, where I live, is known for its historical houses and cottages, and cunning gardens, many of them meticulously maintained. Things are a little, err, looser at my place, with our random pots scattered around our patio, filled with an assortment of flowers purchased at Lowe’s every year. 

My husband Michael is the head gardener, he seems to have inherited a green thumb from his parents. I’m more content to be included on the plant purchasing end of things, and then watch Michael pot them; as I sit back on the porch and look at all the color around me. But there is one particular project I insist on doing myself every year: planting the large, green window box in front of our house.

My flower of choice for the window box is the sturdy but gangly wave petunia, which comes in a beautiful assortment of lively colors. This year I went with a combination of purple and white striped ones, and some solid-colored varieties in purple, white and red. I packed them into the box, along with a green trailing vine plant at each corner. I think this is a rather beautiful composition, if I say so myself.

This window box may be the only gardening project I do this summer, and it gives me immense pride. I gaze at the colorful flowers, now thriving, and say I picked those out, I did the planting, I’m watching out for them to ensure they do well this summer. Sure, there are far more elaborate window box displays throughout German Village, but my simple petunia arrangement gives me all the joy I need.

When things get me down, like they have lately, all I need to do is go outside and see the summer symphony of color around me. One can’t help but feel uplifted by the sight. With my window box, I’m a part of the performance. No, I’m no maestro but I do contribute in my own way. Here’s to the healing power of flowers. Thank you, my window box, for bringing me joy.

 

Rehash

 So I’m trying to kickstart my creative juices, I’ve been slogging through numbness and grief for awhile now and I want to move forward. I know I need to come here more and just keep on writing, it doesn’t matter that no one reads it, I need to keep telling my tale of trying to live some semblance of a life with the dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and alcoholism (in recovery). After all, all I’m left with now is a lot of free time to write. 

I have my monthly meeting with Dr. Levy tomorrow. It will be a rehash of the familiar complaint: meds are perfectly controlling my bipolar with psychotic features and my anxiety, but the side effects are disabling. Fatigue, sedation and lack of motivation, inability to really laugh or cry, no sex drive, poor memory, some difficulty swallowing, just feel like a lump in a recliner with life passing me by.

I’ve been complaining about all this for over two decades it seems, and it’s all because the available medicine to treat my conditions sucks, plain and simple. Are we back to this again, bitching about the meds, it just gets so tiresome. I’m trying to be stoic, accept my situation, but damnit I’m angry. It’s rolling that huge stone up the hill only to have it come crashing back down as you frantically jump out of the way to avoid being crushed.

What am I left to do here? How do I find the strength to keep going forward? I’m trapped, at least it feels that way. I need this medicine yet it’s left me with a life that seems so bleak—at least that’s how it feels this morning. But I have to remember mornings are always difficult for me, things can look dark but they tend to brighten as the day goes on.

Michael is coaxing me to join him on his morning walk with Lily, I want to protest but I think I’m going to join him. I’ve just got to try and break this inertia, some how, some way…this is so fucking hard. But I know I’m not a quitter. I cannot give up. I just wish I didn’t have to contend with these side effects. But alas, it’s what I have to live with. Remember Melissa, things could always be worse. Trudge on, little warrior. 

Troubled Waters

 Troubled Waters

So we have had a second death in our AA family, Dan, Jessica’s husband, took his own life last week down in a hotel room in Mexico. This has severely shaken our sponsorship family, Shawn has lost two sponsees in less than a month. My mornings now are dicey, I’m filled with a mixture of irritability and grief, I’m hating this emotional roller coaster I’m on and I’m wondering if it’s safe for me to get close to people that might one day be suddenly gone.

But I talked with therapist Matt, who pointed out that we are all fucked up in some way, and AA is a comfort for me, provides structure and critical support which I certainly need. So I guess I’ll keep going to meetings, doing AA zooms, and attend my writer’s group on Saturday afternoons. I wonder if others are as screwed up over Dan’s suicide as I am, and I wonder when I will get back to feeling good like I did.

That’s the thing, before these recent deaths last month, I was actually doing so much better, the crippling anxiety was brought under control, thanks to medicine adjustment and eye movement therapy with Matt. I celebrated my 7 year sober anniversary, I successfully attended my 40 year high school reunion, oh, I just felt like I finally had a toe hold in troubled waters.

And now, I’m not so sure.

I’ve been struggling to keep up with my writing, my thoughts are drifting and are a jumbled mess. The best I can do for our writing group this week is this journal entry, I’m hoping that reading it aloud might make me feel better. I guess this is kind of a check in of sorts, just providing a snapshot showing the mess I am these days. 

But let’s look on the bright side, I’ve got lots of support around me, my husband and mom, therapist Matt and psychiatrist Dr. Levy, sponsor Shawn and AA friends. I guess what I do is let the grief move through me, at its own pace, and lean on my supports when I need them. My husband has suggested we go see a movie today, so we are headed out this afternoon. I’m here. I’m alive. Trying to just take things as they come, one day at a time. I guess that’s the best any of us can do.